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Unable to make a decision

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  • October 9, 2018 at 8:19 am #229977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Littlered:

    Congratulations for doing what is right for you and for him. I understand you feels sad and quite empty because you lost something today. You let him know marriage/ romantic relationship with him is not what you want and he told you that friendship with you is not what he wants, at this point.

    This sadness, it will pass. It is like the sun hiding behind a cloud. It is a matter of time before it comes out from  behind the cloud and shines.

    anita

    October 10, 2018 at 11:12 pm #230259
    Littlered
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I wanted to update you on the situation. Since I last wrote that I told my friend no and he cut off the friendship from me and I was really very sad.

    Now he called me again and begged me to reconsider. Said he would keep me happy always and that he has no one else. He says he doesn’t have the strength to be alone and since we both always used to share our problems and support each other he is unable to cope.

    I am really confused. As a friend I do want to help him and support him. I know how it feels to be hurting and alone. At the same time I am scared what if I, in my moment of weakness, and trying to rescue him develop any feelings or try to support him and get confused again?

    What would be your advice? I really really really don’t want to lose our friendship. We both have been through a lot together and he has helped me a lot too.

    This issue has been causing a strain in my relationship as I have started comparing again and really feel pulled between things.

    I don’t want to be miserable again

    littlered

    October 11, 2018 at 7:03 am #230321
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Littlered:

    “I don’t want to be miserable again”- this is your number one responsibility, to promote your own well being. To sacrifice your well being so to promote another’s, on the long run (beyond an act of sacrifice here and there), is a mistake.

    It may be a good idea to talk with him and set of expectations and ground rules to a friendship. You can prepare your own, he can prepare his and then you sit together and agree on a set of expectations and rules. These expectations and rules should protect you and him, making a friendship helpful for you and for him.

    What do you think?

    anita

    October 11, 2018 at 8:21 am #230347
    Littlered
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    That is what I want – to go back to being best friends and just that. Not him hurting, not me confused. I understand it might be tough for him, but I wish it will be alright and we don’t lose our friendship and good bond that we have.

    Guess I am again losing sight of my own self.

    Will discuss again with him and update you.

    Thanks for being patient with me and supporting me during this difficult phase.

    littlered

    October 11, 2018 at 8:32 am #230357
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Littlered:

    You are very welcome. When you talk to him let him know that a friendship with him, if it is to be resumed, needs to be a win-win situation, a win for you and win for him. It has to help both of you. If it is not a win-win, it should not be. Then figure out how can it be a win-win.

    Once you figure that out, evaluate the friendship over time, is it working for the two of you or not.

    Looking forward to your next update. Have patience, figuring things out will take intentional (planning and evaluating) work and time.

    anita

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