Hi Anita, thank you again for your help, again you give me some good and rational points. I sat and cried reading it. I just cant seem to come to that conclusion by myself. Ive rewritten this many times..my emotions have gone through everything, these days i can only expect more of the same. i cant get a handle on it.

Thing is that i have had some great support from friends, in particular trying to help me get out at weekends but they cant always be there and i need to meet more people. Reaching out to people is hard for me I feel unsure of myself, like my ex said..im a very private person and an introvert..he said I became so cut off at the end, and I know that’s true..i told him that we should have talked it out.

i miss his company so much. I just know from experience how bad it can be alone..even for him, a social extrovert..he said he couldn’t stand it..thats after he said he would probably be alone for a long time!

People generally arent too easy for me to get to know, im not a natural..i end up standing alone quite often.

She has convinced him that he is too old for me.  She said it to me in that kind of pitying, condescending way. and he had also asked me if i thought he was too old, did i really want to sit with him when he was 70.

It makes me feel bad, i said no, i never saw him the way he sees himself and she has obviously played on his doubts.

We were together 4 years. his gf before me was the same age as me and he was with her for 7 years..this woman is just 5 or 6 years younger than him. I hate the rationalisation of that’s why it doesn’t work..its not the age, its how he behaves!!

Meeting someone is going to be so hard. I dont feel ready for it and i dont know where to start having fun when i dont have an outgoing personality.During the time i was with him i NEVER was attracted to anyone else so i am not that easygoing. I must have met him by total fluke because I remember I was really unhappy back then. So i wasnt giving out any vibes that i was aware of, i remember thinking i had given up..i met him at work, it was a social event! can you imagine the torture it was for me to do that work?

I have tried new things, been out a few times with friends, walked all over the place, taken boring aimless journeys alone..but i dont go out enough. My friends are occupied with kids and other stuff they have going. Im really hung up on not having kids too..it suddenly became clear to me that this might have been the last chance I got. I really wanted it all with him but he didnt.

Ive been concerned with money now im alone. I need another job but have not found anything so far, several other things are not coming through for me..it all mounts up.

In contrast, my ex told me not to worry about him because he made a lot of money last year, he bought himself a new car..i dont know why he felt the need to shove it in my face, since i certainly supported him getting there. i told him it was unkind to say it. And interestingly his girlfriend said he was worried about me …so why does he criticise me so much to my face? Since he was making all these stabs..i inadvertently returned the favor and said something unkind about the car..i could see he was hurt by it because it hit home about something someone else had also said..i felt regretful and also just a bit of ‘yeah, you deserved that’.

I know its about making steps forward, i guess i feel i made some and nothing happened, no new connections and no excitement..there is no miracle cure for me im just one girl of many, he had parties to go to, lots of invitations and met her within weeks and she was also outgoing and jumped as soon as she got the chance… i feel im waiting…for them to break up?

But the worst is just that i cant STOP. I think one thing and lay it to rest, but 1 hr later i think ill just text him this..he is sick of it and i am sick of myself. Its not that often, i left him alone for 2 months and only recently got in touch..but he doesnt reply and it makes me crazy. I guess because he didnt give me the answers i wanted i thought i could get them from her…i did, but i regret going now because i was emotional and she looked triumphant which made me feel worse..you said ‘ wow, youre beautiful!’ yeah, thanks but all the guys end up thinking they are somehow not good enough for me? how did i make them feel that? He told me it was good that she on the other hand has had lots of relationships..he said it means she is generous!!

this is my freakshow but not of my choice 🙁

Hi Anita, I am finding it difficult to write answers easily..what i think seems to change all the time. I feel i dont know what i think and then its clear. And it is still very much a rocky road.. i wonder when it will ever end for me, things have been so difficult lately. I have a work situation where i have done my best, i got results from my end but it feels like it will fall through. This happened to me before in a spectacular way..so im scared…its almost like the stars just dont want to let me have any success in life.

Yes my mom was a jealous person and wanted to be in control of everyone. I dont think they said we were luckier, it was implied of course. My parents bought things for us in a seemingly generous way but there were conditions..those things never felt like mine but i suffered guilt of being so lucky as others thought i was. My sister got out and away as often as possible and would have big fights with my mom if not, she now lives at a very safe distance and left me with the hard work! If there are issues she shuts down and disappears, i have always been opposite and faced things head on, needing answers but to my own detriment. I remember very well, as a young teenager sitting for hours talking with my mom about her problems,  how she hated where she was etc.and me trying to council her as though i could do it. It was so draining, she is very judgemental and negative.

In any case now im older i see some unpleasantness about how she would interact. She supposedly wanted us to do well but when we did we were torn down, there must be a problem somewhere. She would act jealously. I see now, how messed up that is..

I generally feel let down by both my ex and my mom, as i see them as similar people who act selfishly. Their own behaviour ends up hurting themselves…they dont see that at all, they have no vision of the bigger picture and how it will affect people. its almost like they are compelled to make the mean comment, do the mean thing..but they do regret it later.

Last night i was thinking of how confidently his new gf said i was too young for him. I was watching a film called 20th Century Women which contradicts the premise of age.with a familiar line, “age is a bourgeois construct”.  There may have been 11 years between me and my ex but he was the younger one in the most sense. To say i was too young for him is to be blind and determined to change him. He is really in every way, a young man…except in looks. I remember him getting his skateboard and going down the road a couple of years ago..he only realised he shouldnt do it because he fell off. He surfs and hangs out with younger guys..this is also his life spirit and what makes him happy. I cant believe that he would now want the opposite. he told me many times that he didnt like women his own age because of their mindset.

if we were constrained by our concept of age then nothing amazing would happen. And France would probably not have a new president.

Hi Anita,

The issue of age for me is very relevant because it seems to be used often to make snap judgement of my ability and relevance. Just yesterday someone guessed me to be 10years younger..again! a broken record that i cant do anything about. It will come up again..and it certainly seems to have been used to rationalise the break up with my ex, seemingly his gf cemented that view in his head. It bothers me a lot.

I suppose i did, like any kid look for approval from my mother…and was always found not quite there, lacking. A bit like looking up to the popular kids in school or wishing you were outgoing i just couldnt be accepted. Striving for approval from someone who will never ever be happy enough is painful. It was the same with my ex who also critical of the things i did, they both had to be the authority.

I guess i wished too much that i was “good enough” to meet the approval, to finally be the right person. But there is always something in my relationships, an earlier ex said i wasnt ready for settling down and getting married when i was really perfectly ready, again i guess he just didnt trust and believe in me..thereby killing the relationship dead, another was ready to commit but only if i made all the effort and had overbearing family who were too controlling of him and bullying so i couldnt face a future effectively with them. It seems i always fall short of being the right jigsaw piece.

With my ex’s family i got on well with his mother, his step dad and his son..i thought that was pretty good going, in fact i was really happy. He had a younger brother who was a bit skeptical of me but ok, he met his partner just about the same time as us and his girlfriend also didnt really want to know me at all and instead would just meet up with my ex when she was in the area but not with me, which i found a little cold. i remember dismissing it that she just couldnt be bothered to relate because she probably felt we had nothing in common.

I see how some women really work at cementing their position in a new relationship. To be taken seriously women have to show they can cook, be helpful, clean and take care of any kids…i guess i just fall short too much. Not having kids myself at my age makes me much more of the outsider.

i never knew that life could be so difficult, that i would be told no so many times. it leaves me self-critical, confused, unsure and disappointed. So finding peace of mind …is nearly impossible when those things that i know other people take for granted as basic..family, love and commitment just arent available to me.

Hi Anita,

I know i cant stop obsessing over things but in this case it simply feels like….something has been wrenched out of my hands..my dream of a future, a woman came and placed herself physically in between me and my ex, because she knew if she moved in quickly that should work. And my ex, well..instead of communicating his unhappiness with me he just looked elsewhere and was easily led by fun because that is his motivation.  I feel like i failed because i wasnt smart, i didnt pay attention, i didnt do the right things, i wasnt good enough. It was ME who had to be stronger.

The starsigns have been rather accurate…in the positive sense, they have saying i have to let go and move on. that i have suffered too much. Its all very rational.

I know im not the only one, people i know have had similar experiences and worse, men they loved who let them down. I feel resigned to that fact for my future. I guess my ex decided he didnt cheat on me because we had broken up already.. he had met her, but then wanted to start something with me again and was very frugal with the truth, leading me along so i had hope. When it came down to choosing between us, he chose her…surely that is me losing in life. I just get run over by everyone, its like i am holding the door open for everyone else to be happy.