Hi Anita,

Your point was “what if you ARE good enough?” well, i know i am (when i feel it) and i was…but at certain points in my life i have been weak. i have needed help and havent asked for it. I dont know why my partners always let me down then.

For everyone, the beginning of a relationship is usually when you are in a good place mentally, therefore you are good enough: smiling, everything is new..thats how you attract people, by being happy. therefore seemingly “perfect” just like his new gf told me their relationship now is…of course it is! My ex is a very light and fun person, i never knew anyone to attract people the way he did..so it would not surprise me if several women felt he was being “special” with them because he has to flirt, i witnessed it several times, and the resulting anger and jealousy when they realised i was his gf. I found it fascinating, i never felt threatened by it.

I know she was being defiant, i know it was bravado. It is much more likely that they have already had several arguments… But i am not her biggest enemy..in fact, in a really messed up way..i reached out to her. I dont know anyone who would get that or do that…but it made me feel very strong for doing it, i went straight through my own feelings of pain, anger, sadness and longing and stepped up to her with absolutely none of it there. i guess thats a strength at least. But yes, its so very sad.

It just seems that no one will stand with me through the harder times. What do i do about that? how can i see it coming? The demands are high for me to fit in with their lives. And as i explained above, i already know how to do that…to an extent. But what if i can never be happy with another person and am just destined to live alone? Its not what i want.. i feel so bad about it that i AM really suffering. I feel there is only so much that i can do myself but if the other person isnt willing to it will never work.

..therefore, i am letting everyone else go first..making sure they are taken care of. but who is going to look out for me? I know everyone including my ex feels sorry for me..thats not the reality i want for myself. And all i feel is that i like myself less.

Hi anita, .Im just so tired of myself.

I once again texted my ex today. I cant stop so now im not going to fight anymore although i know its wrong..it hurts, i have to tell him, even if he finds it annoying that i bombard him with texts, he did this to me, thats life. His way of dealing with things is shutting down, cutting off…looking elsewhere for comfort. Pretending it all didnt happen but then i know he sits sometimes thinking it over on his own. There is no communication with him like this and therefore nothing moves forward. And yet…i cant shake that i love him. i just cant. I hate it.

My friends who i have told have expressed some concern that his gf has said to me that she is a witch.  One asked me if she threatened me but it was more like childish bravado. I thought how strange it was she was saying i was too young,. and there she was bragging that she was a witch! They think that she can do some voodoo thing to harm me. Ive never believed in that, .. I think men are led by very few things…sex, comfort, the easy lay, excitement..thats about it. If thats voodoo then it wears off in 6 months when the mundane life starts to bite.  But i did notice a creepy profile that showed up on a dating site i was trying to throw myself on..i have left it now because i dont like the idea of people watching me, it was clearly a fake profile..based in the same location as my ex. with no picture. but i know it could be anybody who vaguely knows us..the internet is a horrible place sometimes.

i have been made unhappy by reading starsigns..some part of it helps me, encouraging to move forward, then when im weak i read his and a few said: seriously considering finally getting married and settling down and its going to be permanent. There is nothing that terrifies me more. I just cant believe that all the worst things are happening..coming true.

I honestly believe now that this woman made damn sure she moved in as quick as possible to get a handle on him..so he wouldnt come back to me so easily. I am about 100% sure he would have been talking about our problems, her counselling him and saying it was for the best that we broke up, that i was too young for him. She put a wedge between us to secure her position, even leaving her child behind with her ex so she could pursue him.

No, there is nothing else i can do. I am trapped in this situation. Waiting to sell my apartment, but its not happening, trying to arrange appointments that wont work, do sports i cant do or things i cant afford. Everything else in my life is constricted and just not moving forward and i cant help but feel..this is because i am holding it all in..im waiting… Im really trapped.

I am learning now..its moments, maybe hours and days spent in the agony of my mind..then there is exhaustion and i have a day of just numb bliss..where i even feel happy enough that i will get through..then it hits again harder. Its like standing in surf. And i just want it to destroy me, i have no resistance to cruel words…i feel i have a heart that doesnt know how to be closed at all…the arrows fly and i just stand there. I have no idea how to protect myself, it doesnt come naturally. Maybe i will just fall eventually and that will be it. But other times i feel i am stronger than ever because of it. My starsign the phoenix rising from the ashes…you have to see that it does ring true sometimes..

Hi Anita,

What a lot of work i am for you..definitely a casebook nutcase. My ex was too..for a while i felt normal.

I think i just came to the conclusion…i cant stop trying to communicate and get through to him..he wont reply. As long as he has someone there in his life he wont. But i cant silence myself. And i want to be free too. I dont want to feel trapped like this..so maybe i should just do what i feel? Since the other way was making me ill.

This is a very painful process. of course you could say, you will meet someone else and it will be over. But every day i wake up and think of him, think of them..come to some conclusion..go about doing things..change that conclusion about 50 times and cry and so on. It is on my mind non stop and wont budge. then when i get to forget..i see something connected to him. I wonder what the universe is trying to do and stress that i am doing the wrong things all the time. So therefore..i become exhausted mentally and physically. I have had a few times where i just feel really good..and peaceful, that there is some hope. but it goes away again. I have friends who have been through similar pain…one of them is STILL pining for someone they love from years ago. I dont want that. I want closure of some kind but my mind is 150% sure that i am supposed to be with him, why is that?

Hi Anita,

Thank you as i dont think i would have been able to get through this without your help.

I dont think of being with him as the only way, its just the way i really wanted to go. I say that past tense now because i know he doesnt want me back. I think he feels guilt about it..but i guess he stopped loving me, i think i said before..theres some anger he has about me, i dont know why he cant just work that out. I have really gone to town on trying to communicate, i guess i really look like a loser. And hes not interested..he wants to stick his head in the sand. But he meant so so much to me. He was my home.

I wonder if this means im weak in the mind..not being able to let go, always failing in relationships..there ALWAYS is some girl who then sashays in all fun and fresh, without fail. That is definitely going to create a deep fear for me.. Im afraid of meeting someone new who will do the same thing again when i really love them. Its not fair to hear couples who fell in love..and then the guy pursued and pursued until she would marry him..WOW! that has never happened to me! Im 40 and people say im good looking. Maybe that has something to do with it, guys often say im too good for them..so therefore there is no one for me.

But in a strange way, i feel i am stronger in myself than before, that something will come from this, something creative..i have to survive but the best way for me to do that is alone, it always has been the best way for me to get stronger..to go through the fire alone. Still, i know my life could really be so much easier. How i wish that things were different! but this is what i am dealt.

Hi Anita, I dont think there is any improvement at all. For instance, just now i saw that my ex had changed his facebook status to be in a relationship with her…these are small stupid things i know. Both of us were never into social media at all..but she seems to use it and has obviously urged him to change it to make it all official..i know psychologically its an ownership badge, she wants everyone to know. I need to use facebook for my work and now get constant friend suggestions of this woman popping up on my phone (i have stopped it now). It has put me into total despair.

Also, I had tried to go on a dating site..a few times i have tried it and then removed myself because i get people saying hi but cant bring myself to answer, i dont want to.. i feel im forced by this awful situation and it makes me feel cheap and lonely..like i have to sleep with someone to get rid of it. but there is no way to meet guys here otherwise….

not so long ago, there was a new profile that had ‘liked’ me. it was clearly a fake profile..no photo, no information but the name and few details were creepy. This appeared after i had texted my ex following the visit to his gf saying i knew he had lied to me. It doesnt seem like he could do it but i could be wrong? could she have done it? who? It makes me feel sick to feel someone watching and laughing at me…for my failed life. I was really so happy when i was with him. Now, i had to take myself off again..i feel paranoid.

I also cant stop myself from trying to communicate and reason with him..the more i hear nothing the more i want to speak its killing me. i called him today about the dating website thing and i feel like such a loser..he wont reply. I know also that perhaps i just make him run more to her because he just wants to forget me. Why cant i?

Anita, its escalated in a way i didnt imagine. He has told me that he put a harrassment order on me with the police ( i dont know if its true). I havent received anything but he has sent a message threatening me that he is going to contact my parents and a put a lawsuit against me.

This kind of threatening behaviour has actually happened before..i didnt take it seriously because i just couldnt believe someone who loved me would do it but i am realising now, hes got some mental problems, he doesnt know what to do with emotions and has no empathy at all for the pain of others. I have to stop dreaming because he is getting aggressive.

He once kicked me out of his house when we had an argument while i was cooking, early on in our relationship. i was cutting up vegetables and he was goading me, saying nasty things. I was crying but that made him much worse, it always did. but i think you can guess by now, he likes to be cruel. much more than any boyfriend i ever had.  He told me that i had a knife in my hand and i was threatening him, i never did..he was threatening me with the same issue. He said he would call the police if i didnt leave..Instead he called my parents and they told me later that he said some extremely erratic and abnormal things about me, very strange things. They told him then and there that this wasnt the kind of thing you called the police about, that is was a matter of discussing it between the two of us. He couldnt seem to handle that, he didnt understand.  They took me back to their place. We lived apart after that, i had gotten back with him because by then i loved him so much i guess i thought it was a blip.  My parents recently said they wished i had just moved on from that point. But i loved him too much. It was stupid, i thought there was a way round his behaviour. i see now, the new woman is probably thinking the same thing!

At this point..i dont want to see him again. He says he has used the texts i sent as evidence. I can’t actually believe this is happening..he is frightening. I guess i had hoped he would have some mercy on me..recognise that i was saying those things out of despair..but instead he reacted this way.

My work is based in his area. He moved about half an hour away to be nearer to me..at least thats what he said 6 months ago.  he immediately dumped me as soon as he got here. Im scared now that my only income will be affected by his extreme behaviour. I sent a lot of texts to him…it was wrong i was emotional…. i thought it would be cathartic…i instead received the brunt of his anger.

I had contacted his son previously to say goodbye, his son is adult and replied just fine, i was in touch with his father in law too..he didnt ignore me either. But then i went to see his gf at his house. He is using this as evidence of harrassment. I only wanted to know the truth, and i finally got if from her.. he cheated on us both. He definitely lied. she seemed to want to stay despite the fact but i think this truth must have angered him more than i realised. He wanted control over us both. He didnt like that i had gone on my own and found out the truth. Im guessing this is typical narcissist behaviour.

I am lucky to have friends to help me, and they know the police. I am definitely not going to contact him, or go near him. but it is very upsetting that he has taken this stance when i live and work here, he can live and work anywhere he wants because  he has money. I am the one struggling to survive. I feel he wants to destroy me?

Hi Anita, i dont intend to contact him anymore. He did send a text to my parents, they told me this morning. i know it was my fault for getting out of control with texting him, i wanted answers that i just wont get from him..its been really so so difficult being alone, then to get the creepy profile when i tried online dating…he makes me feel trapped.

I dont love him anymore, ive left nothing lingering to chance for sure its extreme..this was clearly my closure.

The disturbing part of the story is him..a normal person would not have done what he did, my family are not used to dealing with police when they disagree, he is and has always had issues with other people and jumps to extremes.  there is evidence to the contrary of what he says, both from witnesses and from texts on my phone. I remember he had a verbal fight with a business connection..the guy told me to my face that he had threatened him..at the time i was shocked but again, why did i not see it as a pattern? because it was the first time.

But i have learnt my lesson the hard way, I am not going to contact him again or any of his family. He is sick. I have been nostalgic for our life but it was probably largely in my wishful thinking.

I just have to make a mind block for myself, remind myself of his dangerous side everytime i feel sad. If his own family said i was better off without him, i should believe them..he can rant all he wants. I know full well that they have seen it all before.

The upsetting thing is that he has moved to live in my area.

Im sorry for the shock

Thank you Anita,

You are right about the feelings of powerlessness..it makes me so angry and so helplessly miserable. Its true that i dont believe i can make a meaningful change. Things i have tried to do just have not worked out..i get so depressed, tired, disappointed and angry that the feeling of failure just rises to the surface and stops progress..i dont know how to change that. This is despite the fact that i had a success at work recently..i worked hard for a result and it worked. I just dont feel like i can ever celebrate anything, there is always an overlying problem. My success feels totally void.

I think i was also used to being abused for so long, 4 years, that it became normal to me to hear cruel comments and constant rejection.(also based in my experience with my mother) Now, i cant think of ever being with a guy again..there is just no way i can trust them to be fair or honest with me. I guess i cant trust myself to stand up for myself either. But if they fight dirty with me then i feel justified in doing the same back. I guess that people are always surprised..they expect me to stay meek but if they make me angry, they will feel it.

I never grew up with any confidence..it just doesnt come no matter what i achieve. i think this has caused a lot of my feelings of low self worth to be ingrained, ive learnt watching other people..that they challenge what they are given, i never learnt to challenge or question anything to defend myself. People put me down easily and i hate it. But i have never been clever in speech, i can only write.

I thought i wanted him back. but, i know now i just miss the physical comfort of a companion. Life with him in reality..was one crisis after another, he was angry a lot and needed all my attention, nothing was good enough, even though his friends thought he was lucky to have me..he found fault in everything. towards the end i bore the brunt of his anger..no longer on the pedestal he put me on in the beginning, i think he feared me leaving him a lot, he feared aging. It hurts horribly of course..maybe i am extra proud as a person to not believe it could happen this way..but i begged and pleaded without shame but purely from my feelings. I just didnt want to go back to the terrible isolation i had had before. Now i am here, i have to face it, feeling alone and unwanted is miserable for me. But i hate him and perhaps i had stopped loving him a long time ago but didnt want to leave.