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Uncomfortable Situation

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • June 5, 2015 at 4:08 pm #77775
    Happygirl2015
    Participant

    Hi, thanks for reading my post. This is my first here … I need some external third party views.

    I am married to a man I have been with since I was 18. He’s really my first love. We’ve been married for 10 years but together for 17. I am 9 years younger than him. He has several exes and remains friendly with most of them. But one ex in particular (we’ll call her R) is also a good friend of my husband’s best friend (we’ll call him M) and of the best friends girlfriend (we’ll call her L).

    M&L are a new couple for about a year but dated long ago when my husband was with R. All three (M, L, and R) have remained friends over the last 20 years while my husband has had intermittent contact. However, with the advent of Facebook and other social media sites, there is more connection and contact going on between everyone.

    With the new relationship of M&L there was increased contact between my husband and R and it raised some flags for me. (I am struggling with confidence issues and insecurity since suffering a burn out in 2011 and another in 2014. I also have baggage from childhood). So I raised this concern of increased contact to him last year… he assured me he loves only me, I mean everything to him (we have two kids), and that it’s simply a friendship and even less than that (he tends to poke fun at her). Anyway, we’ve had several discussions on our relationship since then, all sort of intertwined with this discomfort I feel over the increased contact – but it’s not necessarily a jealously thing as I am assured he is not interested in her that way… but I have an extreme discomfort by the whole dynamic of the relationship between M&L, R and my husband. I know my husband finds it annoying and frustrating and I am trying very hard to “be good” about it… (I am in therapy too). But it’s tough and takes time to change thinking, etc.

    So last night he told me that M&L, and R will be in town soon and he wants to invite them all over to our house (he did say if I was ok with it, but in all honesty there is no way for me to bow out of this, if I say no, it will look bad and won’t help me overcome these feelings as I am sure this is not going to be an isolated event). He was hesitant when he told me and even said he didn’t want me to “freak out”… I didn’t freak out but I had an immediate anxious reaction… and today has been very difficult to focus on much else… wondering how I will manage the situation.

    I want to be a strong and confident person the way I was pre-burn out and I don’t want to appear weak and insecure in front of M&L and R… but I also don’t want to embarrass my husband if I somehow can’t hold it together… One part of me thinks this is so ridiculous that I am so worked up cause it’s really no big deal and another part of me can’t imagine why my husband is doing this to me when he knows how uncomfortable it makes me..

    Any suggestions on how to manage my discomfort during this would be great… or any other insights 🙂

    June 5, 2015 at 6:40 pm #77776
    Matt
    Participant

    Happygirl,

    Do you spend time playing with your husband? To me, it sounds like R is not the issue, R is like a thorn that is helping bring the issue to the surface. How do you let go of the accumulated stress of your daily do?

    Consider a day trip into nature, just the two of you. Or more massage time, feet rubbing, maybe have him brush your hair. Give him more chances to express his love in actions. And be sure to do the same!

    As far as R goes, your home is your safe space. Wanting to keep your home comfortable is not bowing out of anything. Its you, protecting what you love. I had an ex that was a friend of mine, and it made my wife uncomfortable. I expressed the situation to my teacher, “how do I deal with her jealousy and discomfort? I’m not very close with the ex, so how do I help her not make a big deal about nothing?” His suggestion: cut ties with the ex. “Is it worth it?” He asked. It wasn’t. Rather than trying to swallow, let go, grow past, and all that…. if R isn’t that big of a deal to him, perhaps he will see it isn’t worth bringing discomfort into his home.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 6, 2015 at 4:24 am #77781
    Inky
    Participant

    Just say “No” and have your husband hem, haw, and make excuses to his friends. He might say, “Her mother is sick”, or “It’s not a good time”, or even THE TRUTH.

    TBH, if I was planning a trip, and the spouse of my friends said “No” to me visiting, I’m the type to get the message that

    1. We’re not that close (the message you want them to get, closer to your goal of no potential shenanigans, yay!)
    2. It’s me (I am his ex, and I want to crash at their place, hmmm…)

    And I wouldn’t look at the spouse badly at all! And P.S., so what if they did? That you are a jealous wife? Well, good! Wives should be, that’s the best kind! It’s like you’re afraid of losing any power or position.

    If they tease you or give you a hard time just say, “Yup, you’re right, I’m a jealous wife. Who wants you little rascals messing up my bathroom and kitchen?”

    If it makes you feel any better, I told my DH “NO” when he wanted his druggy friend crashing at our place for one night. He wanted me to give “reasons” and kept turning it around on ME. I just kept saying, “No. Nope. A galaxy of Nope.” He gave up and had an awkward conversation with his old friend. Old friend was left with the discomfort. So what? My home was mine. No past precedent was made.

    I have another story too, said “NO” to an old friend who was becoming obsessed with my family. The sky didn’t fall. All was well.

    June 6, 2015 at 6:13 pm #77798
    Happygirl2015
    Participant

    Thanks Matt and Inky for your replies.

    Matt: Yes, my husband and I do things together and he is very committed to our family. Our relationship is pretty solid which is why I am not thinking this is jealousy over R because you are right she is just bringing up my own issues of insecurity and such even though I have nothing to be insecure over. I don’t handle my stress well at all (hence the two burn outs) :/ But I am working on trying to get better at that. Sigh…. My husband is stubborn though and my asking him not to have contact with this ex would probably not fly… cause he cannot understand what the big deal is from my side… he would probably view it as controlling and it would make for awkward times with is best bud… dunno… If i said no to having her and them here at my house, he would go to them likely. I would be ok with that I guess but would then feel excluded! Ridiculous I know but there it is… I can’t have it both ways…

    Inky: I can appreciate that view and wish I could adopt that wholeheartedly… but I am just not there yet. I recently discovered that I am an approval seeker and have issues with people things badly of me or causing waves… it’s uncomfortable for me to admit that but I am working on it now… I wish I didn’t care what they thought but I do for now… probably cause it is also linked to my husband and what he thinks.. groan.. Our house has always been open to the best friend… it would likely bother my husband a lot of he wasn’t welcome by me because they are like brothers…

    Anyway, thank you for the comments. I am feeling better about it all.

    June 6, 2015 at 6:48 pm #77799
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    I think it’s interesting that R is not only playing the role of the third wheel, but she is also the fifth wheel (whether L thinks of it that way or not). Not to be all Noah’s Ark about it, but… MAYBE you can casually invite one of your single guy friends over while she’s at the house. That will distract her enough that some red flags might turn to yellow… I do think it’s weird that she follows M and L around constantly.

    You are definitely picking up a vibe, or you wouldn’t be AS insecure about it. You know, just as long as you’re there with your DH it should be OK.

    What you don’t want (what happened to me) is for R herself to be all, “Let’s get together!” With our third wheel, what I did was say “SURE!” She came over… a very awkward silence… then… “Where’s your DH???” and I was all, “Who needs the guys, let’s have girl night!” I ALWAYS made sure he was on a business trip. After a few tries she blocked me on FB, proving I wasn’t imagining things.

    June 8, 2015 at 1:42 am #77839
    Emma K.
    Participant

    Hi Happygirl2015
    I fully agree with Inky. I would say No too if I am not comfortable with the person coming into my house. You know women has this instint that something not right may be brewing, that is women gifted hunch. And if you feel uncomfortable with this person invading your personal space, then you should not allow her to come in at all. Your husband needs to respect your feeling of your uneasiness of having her in the house. You got to be honest with your husband that you are ready or comfortable for his this group of friends to come to your place, instead suggest that you join them in their outings so that you could get to know them better and probably next time you could host a party for them when you have bonded with them. Your husband may feel happy to hear that you wish to bond with his friends rather than rejecting them outrightly.

    Just to share with you my experience in the past. I always say yes to my in-law side for them to come to my place to do whatever they want regardless of how unwilling i was. I ended feeling very stressful prior to the event and feeling very miserable after the event owing to the mess they created at my place. In reality, nobody knows how you feel unless you say it out. I now say No firmly to any situation that I am not comfortable in or with anyone that i do not like to associate with. I am definitely happier now as I could control how I want things to be.

    I wish you all the best.

    June 8, 2015 at 4:17 am #77845
    Inky
    Participant

    Yes, emmak, 1000 times yes!! Happygirl, the absolute worst thing that can happen is that the other person feels uncomfortable. This feeling

    1. Will cause them to self examine themselves whether they want to or not and

    2. Let them know you’re on to them if indeed they harbor intrigue in their hearts.

    Our men sometimes are all, “If I’m not interested in her what’s the problem?” but what they have to understand is that we women Don’t Want That Energy Lurking Around In Our House/Life! It’s no fun having a chick watching from the sidelines hoping our marriage will fail/you die, ready to swoop in. Kind of like you see your dream house and patiently wait for it to come back on the market, even if it’s 20 years later!!

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