Dear Sherry:

I just noticed your thread and didn’t read all of it, but I read enough to know that I too would be bothered by his so-close relationship with his ex wife. (The suggestion that she is an “ex” anything doesn’t sound right: she is very much present and involved in his present life.. more like The Return of the Wife, than an ex-wife (?)

anita

Dear Sherry:

I decided to reply further even though you did not reply to me by this time. It is early morning where I am at, so I have the time and the focus to study your long original post.

* You: 60ish, married once for 24 years, 2 adult children, divorced for 8-9 years, haven’t spoken to your ex in 8 years nor do you feel the need to,

* He: 60ish, married once for 10 years, 2 adult children (30+) living within 3 blocks of him, divorced for about 12 years (or 20 years), ex wife lives close to him and hasn’t dated anyone for years. He refers to her as his “best friend” and is in daily contact with her.

* Relationship history: the two of you met on a dating site during Covid, went on 6-7 dates and “hit it off so strongly” that you offered him to join you on a trip to Mexico. He “jumped at the chance” and the two of you  “had a great time, totally vibed”, so much so, that you decided to extend the vacation for a total of 2.5 months, “it was a blissful ‘honeymoon’ period and pretty perfect”.

For more than a year following the vacation in Mexico (since the two of you lived in different states, and since your sister lives in his state and you had plans to move to his state prior to having met him), you lived “out of a suitcase” between his house, your sister’s house and your house in a different state. You currently feel that the two of you are devoted to each other, loving and adoring one another. Your plan is still to settle in his/ your sister’s state and to have a future with him.

But in the last 1.5 years, during almost the entire relationship, you and him had “numerous arguments” and “a couple of major fights” about his relationship with his ex wife.

* The ex-wife: during the 2nd date, he told you that she is his “best friend”. He told you that when they were married she repeatedly cheated on him, that for the first 10 years after the divorce he “hasn’t really had much interaction with her other than kid stuff”, and that it was only in the last 3 years that they became close friends, something they were never before. They spend family holidays together (in his home, her home, or in a restaurant), they talk to each other late at night, “constant texts and cozy convos”. When you confronted him regarding the frequency and sheer volume of their interactions, he told you that the reason for it was “keeping connection with his (adult) kids”. But you found out that “there were literally hundreds of texts over the year we’ve known each other, 95% of which have nothing to do with the kids”.

Most of the texts you read (he let you read them all), were “very ‘coupley’ and cozy, sort of inside jokes, like they had a close relationship”, and one conversation was “particularly sexy”.

You recently met her and you were invited to two family functions: “She’s fine. I don’t see a weird vibe between them”.

I read #1- 10 (you numbered 8 twice) and the entirety of your post for the first time this morning and my understanding is different than it was after I read only part of your post.

You asked: “What is your take on all of this?” My take is the following: (1) the fact that he doesn’t keep you in the loop regarding his interactions with his ex-wife and that he hides that kind of information from you is understandable: he knows the topic angers you and that it therefore leads to arguments and fights, so he wants to avoid the arguments and fights. I don’t blame him for it and I do not see it as him being dishonest. Different things he told you suggest to me that he is an honest man. Thing is, most, if not all men- honest and dishonest- will go to great lengths to avoid arguments and fights,

(2) Seems to me that he does indeed love you and is invested in the relationship with you. He also loves his ex-wife IN A DIFFERENT WAY and he is invested in a close friendship with her,

(3) You are driving him away with your jealousy and efforts to micro-manage him,

(4) You wrote: “I feel like I’m doing my best to deal with something that has never been part of my experience, neither with my divorce, my mother’s divorce, or anyone that I know personally- once you divorce, you move on” – this is the common experience, but only yesterday (!!) I had a conversation about a divorced man I know, he’s in this late 60s, I think. His ex wife is currently visiting him from another country WITH HER BOYFRIEND, her life partner with whom she lives.  And he has no problems with it. I met his ex-wife and talked to her last year, when she visited him alone (her boyfriend remained in the country where they live together). I detected absolutely no discomfort on her part or on her ex-husband’s part regarding her relationship: no jealousy, no lingering feelings, nothing. He referred to his ex-wife as “family”. It is as if their past sexual and husband-wife  relationship is completely in the past and nothing of it leaks into the present. I didn’t know that it is possible until I personally saw an example of it in real life,

(5) As to why they are close friends now when they weren’t before, I am guessing the following: on her part, she had troubled relationships with men. She gave up on romantic relationships (haven’t dated for a few years), and so, following giving up on dating , she had the time and energy to invest in a non-dating, non-romantic relationship with a man: her ex-husband. On his part, following his divorce and some time later (before he met you), he was lonely and she filled in his time and social/ family needs,

(6) You showed up in his life but he didn’t see the need to show her the exit because their friendship really is good, for the two of them and for their adult children. Their friendship is so good that he doesn’t want to limit it, end it, or change it. I think that you are quite safe in regard to your relationship with him (if you completely end interfering with their friendship) BECAUSE he is best friends with his ex: * he was never best friends with her before, * being best friends with her feels so good and he can see that it’s good for his kids as well, *  I don’t think that he will be willing to risk this wonderful friendship by changing it into a romantic/ sexual relationship,

It will take you some time to adjust to this new-to-you reality: that two people who were married before really can have a friendship, and nothing but a friendship,

(7) It is possible somewhat that he and his ex will get back together as romantic partners (I don’t think it will happen but I can’t guarantee it, of course), just as it is possible that he will resume a relationship with an ex-girlfriend or start a relationship with a woman he hasn’t yet met. It is a risk that every woman lives with because there is hardly ever a zero percent risk of such kind.

Also, it is possible that their friendship will change and the two will withdraw from each other’s life if and when she starts dating again. Friendships often change. If I was you, I would stop all efforts to limit their friendship and let it evolve or devolve by itself, as it will.

If you find it too painful to co-exist with her in your life, as your boyfriend’s ex, you have the right of course, to end your relationship with him. But it will be tough to give up on a good thing, especially later in life, wouldn’t it?

anita

Dear Sherry,

Like Elisabeth, I don’t like his extreme closeness with his ex-wife either. There is something not quite right there…

I don’t know about her motives, but she could be using him as a handyman and someone to seek advice from in technical matters (car, home repairs, helping her choose the best bike etc). This is very practical for her as she doesn’t need to pay for those services. In the past she wanted to use him for financial benefits too, and for that purpose she even asked him to get re-married – twice. So she might be simply using him for her selfish purposes, because it makes her life easier. He is a reliable source of help and advice – a handyman/expert on standby, who is eager to help at any time of night or day.

And that’s what actually problematic – that he seems to actually enjoy helping her and spending time with her, and being available to her at all times. It’s not that he sees her as a nuisance but can’t say no to her requests – he seems to genuinely like her company. So the question is, if they are already so good together, enjoy each other’s company and spend so much time together – why aren’t they a couple?

I could think of 3 reasons. No1) she really isn’t interested into becoming his romantic/sexual partner, and when she offered to get re-married, it was purely for convenience. And he is aware of that. 2) The fact that she cheated on him left a big scar and he doesn’t want to put himself through another such humiliation. So even if she might be open for a romantic relationship, he doesn’t want it, out of fear and hurt pride. 3) They are like brother and sister and there is nothing romantic between them. But for two people who were once married, where there was chemistry and sexual attraction involved – I don’t believe that there can be such strong and pure “brotherly” love between them. Maybe I am wrong though, I don’t know.

If they are really like brother and sister, and enjoy each other’s company without any desire to be romantically involved, then you probably shouldn’t worry about it. Still, I would expect that once you move to his state, he would want to spend the majority of his time with you, not taking his ex-wife along, like the third wheel.

The way I see it, the biggest problem is if he still needs some kind of validation from her, e.g. that he is a good father, a good handyman, in good shape, good looking etc. He must have been hurt by her cheating, and now getting acknowledgment from her might mean something to him. I would worry if he has this kind of emotional attachment to her – even if he doesn’t want to get romantically involved with her. If he needs her validation to feel better about himself, then that’s a big problem for your relationship.

I wonder about one thing: you said he is a poor communicator (“He’s not the best communicator”). What do you mean by that? Perhaps that can give us some more clues about his personality and his motives in this triangle.