Both of us are 60ish. I was married once for 24 years, 2 adult children, and have been divorce for 8-9 years. Him–married once for 10 years, 2 adult children, and he has been divorced for 20 or so years. We live a couple of states apart–but I am moving to his city soon (was planned before I met him, as my sister lives there). We had a unique story–met on a dating site during Covid, went on 6-7 dates, and just hit it off, lots in common, many of the same life interests. I met his kids, who live within 3 blocks of him, during that time (mine were in another state) During date 2, he mentioned that his ex-wife was his “best friend”.  When I inquired as to what that meant, he stated “that she would pick him up at the airport or take him to the hospital if need be”.  He took a call from her in the middle of our second date (asked if I minded, I said fine–her dog was sick, he was concerned about the prognosis), AND I wasn’t super invested at that point.  I was leaving soon on a solo pre-planned extended trip to Mexico,   We had hit it off so strongly, that I casually invited him to come with, spur of the moment, and he jumped at the chance.  We laid down some ground rules for his week long planned trip:  if either of us wasn’t feeling it, or having fun, or whatever–I could ask him to leave, or he could leave if he wanted–no harm, no foul.  We had a great time, totally vibed, and discussed regularly whether we should give it another week (we were both retired) joked about “renewing our lease” and we ended up staying 2-1/2 months together, and got to know each other well, it was a blissful “honeymoon” period and pretty perfect.

We have been together for 1.5 years now, and I’m in the process of finally buying a house in his state.  I had planned to move there before I even met him, just to clarify.  We’ve decided to do the “living apart together” route, as we are both used to our independence.   I’ve lived out of a suitcase for a year and a half, between his house, my sisters house and my home in another state, and am ready to get settled.  I feel that he is completely devoted, loving, and adores me, and the feeling is mutual. He’s not the best communicator, but that is minor, and we are working on it.  I look forward to a future with this man, but cannot seem to wrap my head around one thing–his feeling of responsibility/friendship/closeness with the ex-wife (she’s never remarried, no relationships, and lives close by him.). For the past year and a half, we have had numerous arguments about  things that I find weird.  I’m divorced, adult kids, and have not spoked to my ex husband for literally 8 years, nor have I needed to, kid-wise.  We had an easy divorce, no real drama, just were done. I don’t have any reason to communicate with him. I acknowledge that it works differently for different people.  His divorce was 12 years ago, she cheated repeatedly, and he hasn’t really had much interaction with her other than kid stuff for the last ten years–up until 3 years ago, when she was his realtor for a house purchase, which was also before he met me, and suddenly, they are close friends, where they weren’t, even when they were married.  They’ve since started doing family holidays together, he helps her with house projects, she calls him for advice on literally everything–from, “my car sounds funny” to “remember that color we painted the living room”, “I’m bringing some soup for you” to sharing cooking shows/ideas, “hey, are you busy–can you talk?” late nights.  Constant texts and cozy convos.  I know this, because he let me read the text messages, which he insisted “wasnt that many”.   I was shocked to find that there were literally hundreds of texts over the year we’ve known each other, 95% of which have nothing to do with the kids, which was his first explanation for the frequent interaction–keeping connection with his (adult) kids. One was particularly sexy, but the rest are benign–it was just the volume of texts that were concerning, and most were very “coupley” and cozy, sort of inside jokes, like they had a close relationship–he insisted they didn’t, he is just a nice guy and likes to help.  For most of the family holidays I have been back in my home state, so they get together usually at his or her house, or a restaurant.  I have just recently met her, as I was invited to two family functions.  She is fine, I don’t see a weird vibe between them, and I am very friendly to her.

We’ve had a couple of major fights about their interactions.  For example, when I’m out of town, we usually talk daily…typical- “tell me about your day” stuff.  Many times, he has neglected to mention that she has come over for something, or they have gone for lunch, bike rides, etc.  She calls and texts a lot, and he does not offer that, even though he knows it bothers me.  I just want to be in the loop.

1. They had Thanksgiving at her house, (I was out of state).  Relationship was new, I wanted him to have a good holiday, so didn’t put too much into it at that time.

2.  The first weeks we were in Mexico, he texted her a photo I TOOK of him (not of US) to her.  I must have seen it when he was looking at texts, asked him about it–he said it was innocent, just showing her what a good time he was having.  I still don’t understand why that was necessary.

3. He had a Fathers Day party at his house–did not tell me he was inviting her, and did not volunteer that information until I SPECIFICALLY asked the next day, if she was there.  She brought all the food, he grilled with the kids, the whole nine yards, happy family style.

4.  Multiple birthday parties for the adult kids, involving many texts between the two of them regarding logistics, can you pick up the pizza, I’m running late, etc.. I remind you, the kids are 30+ year old adults, and live within 3 blocks.

5. He invited her over (while I was out of town) to try out “the girls bike”–my bike–as she was interested in buying one.  He’s into bikes.  This was in a text, and somehow it hurts that he didn’t mention me by name, like “Mary’s bike”…as it was my bike.  She came over, they tried out the bike, probably went for a bike ride–and he didn’t tell me.  I found out by reading the texts that he volunteered.

6. They continue to go on bike rides, family get-togethers, out for lunch, he helps her move/fix things, in addition to helicopter parenting the adult kids, etc–and every time I ask “tell me about your day?”  He always neglects to mention these outings, until I question him or somehow find out later.  I think this is deceitful, and do not trust him any longer.  We were driving one time, my cell service for the map was bad, so he hooked up his phone to my car—and up popped her name at the top of the list of phone calls on the screen.  He had insisted that he had not talked to her recently.  When pressed, he said that it was about fixing the adult daughter’s car, which didn’t “count”, because it wasn’t a social call.

7.  This last Mother’s Day–I’m with my kids in another state, he hosts the party for her at his house.  Also did not know that until I specifically asked.

8.  Lots of her running over to bring him soup she made, will you fix my bike, here’s a cool Netflix movie you’ll like, do you remember how much that guy quoted me for lawn care, can you help with with this or that….mind you, she has one other ex husband, 2 adult sons and at least one brother that she could ask for assistance, plus she’s a grown woman and a realtor that I would assume has a long list of handymen.

8.  One very hurtful time, I asked why she has such an important role in his life, even after they’ve been divorced for so long–he replies, “she is the mother of my children, and will always be, I’ve known her for 30 years”…..and by comparison, “you’re just a girl I met on the internet.”  “Why should I give up a 30-year friendship, when I’ve only known you a short time?”   Ouch.  I tried to explain how hurtful that is, I’ll never know him for 30 years, or be the mother of his children–I’ll never have that “relationship cred”.  He knows that was a hurtful statement, apologized, but I can’t seem to shake it.

9.  Recently, she bought a new Audi.  For a week, he studied and considered the for sale ads for Audis to buy for himself…a brand of car I had never heard him mention before, as he’s kind of a car guy.

On a couple of occasions, he has lied to my face about his interaction with her, omitting that from his daily happenings, probably because it will end in a fight between us. I’ve asked him to keep me in the loop as to their interactions,  not to completely cut her out of his life–I understand that it won’t happen, no do I think it should, necessarily.  He has told me that it’s “none of my business what they text each other about” and it’s just like any other friend he would text.  He now hides his phone from me.  I have given him the password to my phone, as I have nothing to hide.

He has told me that: He is devoted to me.  She is just a friend.  Some people get along with their ex’s.  They will always be a family.  There’s nothing going on.  She’s like a sister. He has few people he can count on, she’s responsible.  It keeps him in touch with what the kids are doing.  It’s nice just to have someone to do things with.  etc…..I have met her a couple of times, she seems fine. I have no problems being FRIENDLY with an ex–it’s the best friend thing that I can’t deal with.

He has also told me that she has asked him twice to get re-married–once for tax purposes (capital gains exclusion on a house) and once for insurance coverage.  He declined both times.  Her last relationship was with the guy she cheated on him with.  She hasn’t dated anyone for years.

So…even though we really enjoy each other, get along shockingly well when together 24/7, and want to pursue a committed long term relationship…I can’t help but feel like he already HAS that emotional support and stability from her, they just don’t live together–I feel like I’m the shiny new object, but he’s getting the other stuff from her–she just “doesn’t have to live with him ” (his words).

It’s really starting to affect my self esteem–I feel like I’m doing my best to deal with something that has never been a part of my experience, neither with my divorce, my mother’s divorce, or anyone that I know personally–once you divorce, you move on.  I feel pressure to be the “evolved, cool girlfriend” who is ok with this, but I really feel their continued close relationship is disrespectful to my feelings–as he knows I probably won’t be happy that he went to lunch with her–but he does it anyway, and most of the time, hides it–because he says that it will start a fight.  I feel that he is not willing to adjust the level of interaction with her, and it is up to me to deal with it.

What is your take on all of this?  I fell hard for this guy.  I’m getting far too old to be dealing with such uncertainty, and may just swear off any future relationships other than superficial ones, if this one doesn’t work out.  Although, in all other ways, he is the closest match for me that I have found since my divorce. and I am happy and feel loved otherwise.  I am hopeful, that once I move at least to the same town, I will not have the long-distance anxiety that seems to breed insecurity.