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Uncommon, and sometimes Uncontrollable, Anxiety in my Relationship

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  • #164334
    Michael
    Participant

    Hi Everyone!

     

    I began dating an incredible guy 8 months ago. But before then, I had been through a series of relationships that ended badly, causing me develop relationship anxiety, because of what I believe a loss of self-confidence and ability to live my own life. I spent about four months after my last relationship recovering, however, the anxiety stuck around. For the most part, I spent a lot of time overthinking my past decisions and relationships, trying to understand what went wrong and what “love” is and so forth. I got past that though and began to slowly become more confident in my ability to be in a healthy relationship.

     

    Then, 8 months ago I met by current boyfriend. I’m being honest, setting aside any infatuation or attraction, he is the one for me. My brain says it and my heart says it. He has a good heart and strong mind, and he’s very good at loving me. When are relationship began, I was confident and happy in it. Then, people from his past that he had had sexual encounters with began show up in a coincidental manner (there weren’t many). He’s the type of person who can be friends with anyone, and values all of those friendships. That being said, he hadn’t shut those people out of his life or ghosted them persay. I suppose I should see that as he doesn’t use people or have sex irresponsibly, but my anxiety tells a different story. I began having terrible thoughts and even imagery over his past sexual history with theses people, questioning who he really was and if I could really trust him. I knew it was all in my head, so I pushed it away. But it kept coming back, to the point that I couldn’t even rest easy if he was hanging out with other gay men or traveling somewhere far away. I discussed these feelings with him, and he had simply had random sexual encounters within the last six months before we met. Possibly as a result of moving 2,000 miles away from family and having been recently single. So, I can relate to why he would do that, and of course he was single, so why not? I’ve had my history as well.

    But ever since those thoughts began, I became consumed with insecurity, freaking out at ignored texts, and when he didn’t seem to want to call me (He lives two hours away, so we only see each other on weekends). It got to the point where he would only do things for me out of fear of me getting upset. In other words, the relationship became more about my needs than his. Fast-forward to now, and we’re taking some space because he became so overwhelmed with the emotional manipulation I was forcing upon him.

    To be honest, he was probably the most innocent guy I’ve ever dated. And I know it probably has something to do with my past relationships (I was only cheated on once though). So, I’m not really sure why the sexual history anxiety is the one anxiety that is so hard for me to overcome. And that anxiety just opens the door for so many others.

    Since we began taking space, I’ve evaluated how to really love someone, and the difference between healthy love and selfish love. Because despite the anxiety, I somehow managed to provide enough for him that he’s still with me. I’ve owned up to that fact that I messed up, and I’m taking steps to correct my behavioral pattern, and giving him space to heal his sense of self, so he doesn’t feel like his life revolves around just us. And I’m doing the same, focusing on my confidence levels and living my own life, hoping that it will help me to prevent over-obsessing over stuff.

    What I’m stuck on right now though, is how to prevent those anxious thoughts from hurting my confidence or putting me back into a cycle of unhappiness and neediness (I hate being needy). Because I know that’s all it is, anxiety. I’m also trying to rediscover the line between anxiety and my actual needs and desires that I should fight for. Nevertheless, there’s never been a moment I haven’t truly felt loved by him, so I don’t understand how my anxiety can take such a hold on me. Please help!

    #164360
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi Michael,

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    Well, you definitely aren’t the only one who feels these levels of anxiety in a relationship! I have experienced that anxiety in a relationship, especially regarding the sexual history of my current and previous boyfriends.

    First of all, consider whether you are self-confident now, to the extent where you could be single and happy with who you are without feeling the need to please anybody else. The reason why I ask is that if one is truly content with themselves and confident in who they are in their own skin without needing anybody else to validate them, then we are on the right path to love someone else and be a part of a healthy relationship with heaps of trust in each other.

    It sounds like your boyfriend truly cares for you and isn’t afraid to show you that he loves you, you both have a past but the longer that you hold onto these anxious thoughts, the harder your relationship will be to sustain. He might feel like he’s at a loss over what to do as he doesn’t know how to relieve you from the anxiety you feel, but he can only help you to an extent, which is by showing you he truly loves you and by having an honest and communicative relationship.

    If he wanted something with somebody else, from his past or not, he wouldn’t be in a relationship with you or be so loving with you. The anxiety you feel could very well be due to the bad endings of your previous relationships and if they have dented your self-confidence to the point where you might not feel like you’re ‘enough’ for someone which is definitely something I used to feel, then you two definitely need some time apart so you can unpack any past or present feelings which you may not have dealt with.

    Don’t let past issues affect your present, you’re taking control of the situation which is a very good thing and this relationship definitely sounds like it’s worth fighting for – it’s repairable for sure.

    Good luck to you both!

     

     

    #164384
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michael:

    You wrote:  “(I hate being needy)”- can you elaborate on what “being needy” means to you and what you hate about it?

    You are stuck on “how to prevent those anxious thoughts from hurting my confidence or putting me back into a cycle of unhappiness and neediness”- will attend to this later, if you respond.

    And you wrote that you are “trying to rediscover the line between anxiety and my actual needs and desires”- our actual need is to be well, to experience peace of mind, reasonably, to be okay. Anxiety is not congruent with well-being, peace of mind. So your actual need, I believe, is to manage and heal your anxiety.

    anita

     

     

    #164508
    Michael
    Participant

    Dear Lucy,

    It’s good to know I’m not the only who has faced anxieties in relationships before. I’ve definitely been suffering with this form of anxiety since before I began my relationship with my current boyfriend. I thought I was in control when we began, and perhaps I was, I simply found my way back to that level of insecurity and have had a lot of trouble getting out of it. I’m definitely embracing the space we’re taken as a way for me to really find myself and focus on building my confidence, however, it still comes with the difficulties of trying to stay focused on moving forward. My anxiety has definitely made me believe he isn’t giving me enough love or showing it how I want, however, I notice a different pattern between my last few relationships and ones where I was confident. I agree I need to be confident and validated in myself and am currently working towards that. I think time and dedication is the only way to truly switch these automatic thoughts that cause me anxiety.

    Dear Anita,

    I think by needy I mean always seeking love from him to feel better. While it may not always seem that way, oftentimes I feel as if when I’m unhappy for any number of reasons, I seek his love, or attention, to make me feel better. I like being in a state of mind where I don’t need others to make me happy, where I can be happy and content in my own self. While I don’t think it’s bad to seek help, I don’t like being accustomed to always looking to my boyfriend to feel better. I definitely agree what I need right now is healing, I guess I’m just confused between what I actually need from a partner to have a healthy relationship, and what is simply anxiety/insecurity making it’s way through. Perhaps managing and overcoming the anxiety will make that clearer.

    #164560
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michael:

    You wrote: “I’m just confused between what I actually need from a partner to have a healthy relationship, and what is simply anxiety/ insecurity making it’s way through”-

    This is how you can tell the difference: if you look up to him to make you feel better, like a child looks up to a parent for comfort, than it is not a healthy relationship, and it is the anxiety of past operating. On the other hand, if you look to him as an equal, asking for and receiving comfort from him, on one hand, and on the other, he is asking you for comfort when he needs it, and he receives it from you, then you have a healthy relationship.

    You wrote in your original post that before this boyfriend you “had been through a series of relationships that ended badly, causing me develop relationship anxiety”- what is the history of the most powerful relationship/s in your life, the ones with your parent/s?

    anita

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