Hi Felita,

I have always been one who protected myself from becoming attached and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I molded as need with each relationship. It was convenient at first , but as I  matured and started venturing independently more and more into adulthood I realized that I actually could be comfortable hanging out with myself. I could enjoy my own company. I also found my voice but much later. I found the courage to stand up for what I believed to be right and fair. I no longer feared that I would become too attached, because for the first time , I was allowing myself to take control and responsibility for the person I was. What you do in life echoes in eternity. Your name represents the strength of your energy and that is what you are. A name , a memory. Everyday you leave behind an echo. Only you can control what sound is made. You already know it is a crazy way to think and to have a relationship. So stop. You can do it just like that. Mind over matter and strength of will. If you want to get back to being confident and independent, beat yourself out of the funk and show everyone that you are stronger than that. You don’t need anyone ! No one needs anything from anyone else. Because you are just as capable at giving yourself what that is. You are better than that because you are aware. You got this!!

Dear Felita:

You wrote: “do I really have feeling for her or is it just an unhealthy attachment”- an emotional attachment is an emotion or feeling. It is what most people call love. A baby first feels attachment to the mother and it is a very powerful feeling for the baby and the growing child.

When you love someone, considering the best interest of the loved one is what I call love. So, in my interactions with a person I love, I want to benefit myself and the loved one. I want it to be a Win-Win interaction/ relationship. Both parties to it should benefit, or win.

If it is not a win-win, then attachment is a problem.

anita

Dear Felita,

I am sorry that you must be so confused and torn right now. Since this is still fresh, I understand your feeling of “crazy,” “dying inside,” and wanting to scream. I understand that once you are attached to someone, it is hard to not try to find them on social media, and I know personally how you can find out if somebody has blocked you or not. I have done that kind of sleuthing myself, and finding out that that person has done so does spin you on your head.

I am reluctant to analyse the situation (what she meant by what she said, and did, etc.) as it may not be helpful to you right now. Can you tell us what you need the most now, so I or somebody else can be with you / sit with you (figuratively) in this moment?

(I am hoping my post doesn’t have the html codes that hinder reading. What’s not helpful is that I only started having them show up in my last few posts).

Gia

Dear Felita,

I am glad you are staying on this supportive form of communication on this forum. Your relationship was not known to anyone, not even your family. It was only between the two of you. It would be hard, maybe it may even feel like it is impossible to break it to anyone when it has come to this stage (the drama: the split-up) — where would you begin, when you are overwhelmed by negative emotions at the moment? I understand that.

I sense from your writing that you are eager — maybe desperate — to “shake off” this attachment. Felita, if I, someone who has never met you, and know you a fraction of what you know of yourself, can (and I do) empathise with your situation and your mental anguish at the detachment (complete opposition to attachment) from this person, why don’t you think you can empathise with yourself? What I mean: can you look at the sad, “crazy” Felita who is suffering, what would be going through your head?

Stay here a while,

Gia

Dear Felita,

Can you think of someone you admire, respect, love (apart from the person you had trouble with), going through what Felita is going through, what would you say to him / her / it?

Gia

Dear Felita,

In an earlier post, you said when you tried to look at yourself, Felita, who is suffering, you judged her, that she’s “having mental illness or so what.” You asked me if the fact that you “want her attention, to make [yourself] feel good again” doesn’t make you a bad person (I think you already had an answer for yourself). I don’t think needing attention makes anyone a bad person. To me, a bad person is one who derives joy and pleasure from causing or seeing someone suffer.

You said something very important in your last post. You said that you “will love the person no matter how bad the person is.” Let’s imagine if Felita were a bad person like you say you are, you, the wiser Felita, will still love her like she’d love other, “better” people. That “bad Felita” needs someone to “love [her] no matter how bad [she thinks she] is” and to “cherish [her] and make [her] smile again.” Why can’t you also love, cherish, and hug this “bad” Felita?