Dear Chelcie,

Your name is very pretty. Just wanted to throw that out there.

As with any belief system or belief at all, it is difficult to simply walk away from it. Many of us have beliefs that are embedded within us from our experiences and practices. Religion is one of those things that can affect you long after you stop practicing.

You already know that the shame and guilt you feel is that belief making a self-fulfilling prophecy. But this can also be healed on your own terms. The most difficult thing when leaving a belief is finding something else to believe in more. Otherwise, you will feel that guilt from leaving. If I were you, I would explore other belief systems, compare them, see how they are similar and different and choose which one you believe in the most. There are many paths like buddhism, hinduism, science, etc, or you could simply believe in your present moment. Whatever you decide, it is your choice which is ultimately what you’re after. You’re tired of following, that much is true. Christianity is all about sheep and shepherds.

Be free and be healthy, Chelcie

Hi Chelcie.  I actually just registered today so I could reply to you.  I went through exactly what you described, but had absolutely no one to turn to when I walked away from Christianity for the last time.   That all happened to me 25+ years ago.  At the time, I was a bit older than you are.

Based on my experience, I don’t think going back to church will help you feel better.  It might make you feel worse.  I tried that, actually, and people treated me horribly after I came back.  How dare I question anything?

I lost the people who claimed to be “friends” and, for the most part, my family shunned me.  It was tough to feel so alone, but I had to be true to myself.  After I got healthy, I realized they never were really my friends, anyway.  Family still keeps me at arm’s length, but that sting dissipated, too.

The churches I was involved with all used guilt and shame to control people.  When I finally decided that I wasn’t going to be guilted or shamed, I had control of the situation.  I had nothing to feel guilty about and did nothing to be ashamed of.  I was simply being true to who I am.  Perhaps ironically, that is the truth that set me free.  The process did take a few years, though.

By suggestion is, be true to who you are, and be very kind to yourself while you work through this.

Hi!

I have a slightly different experience: my parents were at odds with the versions of Christianity they were taught, and as a result they as believers in Jesus were actively looking for a version where they could find a congenial community. They wound up as Pentecostals! Back then, they sensed an integrity and freedom in that tradition that was different from the more intellectualized versions of the rituals they were raised with. It’s hard to believe now, because the “brand identity” (if I can put it that way) of different traditions change.

The result was that no matter where I worshiped, I looked at it critically, like an outsider. Sometimes this made me feel like an oddball, but the result was good: I had to constantly compare what the worship and teaching was like with what Jesus actually taught. This meant that no matter where I worshiped, I agreed with some things and disagreed with others, but I could always find people to love, serve, and learn from.

One thing I’ve noticed (I’m 56 and have lived in different major cities as well as smaller towns, although never out of the US) is that what the different versions of the Bible say about Jesus is pretty constant, but that Christianity has changed drastically over the millennia and from culture to culture. One city I lived in was San Francisco, and they have EVERY flavor of Christianity there, often at odds with one another. From this I concluded that the various “Christianities” are simply a variety of human cultural responses to what Jesus wanted to tell first-century neighbors about God. First century Christianity in Antioch was different from first century Christianity in Corinth. Neither of those was like Christianity once emperor Constantine got a hold of it. Evangelical revivals in the third world, or secretly in places where they are forbidden, bear very little resemblance to suburban American worship.

If you are having trouble walking away from Christianity, and are subject to negative emotions signalling your discomfort with the process, maybe you can notice what specifically you feel bad about abandoning. Being a follower of people because you seek approval? (Yes, I do that, too.) Being a follower of God because you sense a need for wisdom and humility? Maybe that’s a warning you can heed without backing down on your personal growth. Do you feel bad leaving what the media calls the religious right? Is the media usually accurate about what it says large groups believe? Maybe you can ignore those labels. Are you afraid mobs of thought-police will come to your house and guilt-trip you back? (There are denominations where this is an actual policy.) Maybe you need a restraining order–for real! The difficulty is figuring out what specifically is triggering the guilt and shame.

I find in my own faith that there have been times when the best way to walk TOWARD faith is by walking AWAY from religion. I say this is a committed shower-up, who helps out at the church I go to. You are the only one who can answer the call of integrity, which is one of the voices God uses to get our attention. If Christianity–or any other system of worship–is obscuring that voice you can walk away without guilt. Sometimes “Christianity” is an idol we realize we can no longer worship.

Cheryl

Dear Chelcie, just a few words. The irony is I believe this is actually you spiritually evolving.

I have family who are devout Christians and if their not arguing amongst themselves which flavour of Christianity is most relevant, they are projecting hate towards people born with a different sexual orientation or worshipping God via other faith systems etc. Despite claiming they are “deeply religious”, they’re actually spiritually asleep. How bizarre is that.

The thing that frequently amuses me, is how at odds much of the Christian religion is actually to the teachings of Jesus. When you  read what Jesus said in isolation from the rest of the bible, you can feel it resonate in your heart: Love, forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, kindness. Note how different this is to much of the bible and some of the crazy doctrine within the church.

The man we call Jesus today did walk this earth and was probably the most spiritually evolved being yet to do so, but remember Jesus did not write the bible. (and nor did God via holy dictation or some nonsense). This was the work of men, who in the early years tried to capture the teachings of someone who was quite frankly on a different spiritual plane. They then tried to fuse it altogether with other doctrine into something vaguely comprehensible. But even then, its so full of contradictions and teachings that are not congruent with those of Jesus, that when you step back as your doing now you see the truth. This is why the Church tries to guilt trip people, because when your shine the true light of reality on it, you see it for it truly is.

However I fully appreciate how unsettling it can be stepping outside the framework your previous church offers, but what I say may surprise you; because I actually recommend you turn to Jesus on your own terms. He is there for you within your heart and let me assure the church does not have exclusivity on God!

I was brought up a Christian and have studied all the major religions and read hundreds of books on spirituality trying to find my way over decades. For where you are right now check out Eckhart Tolle books particularly a New Earth. There is also a wonderful free series of 10 talks by him on Youtube (the Oprah show / New Earth) where you will encounter many people calling in with similar dilemmas to yours and Echart really gets the challenges of letting go of the church. This may be of help to you. Also do not be afraid to check out Buddhism. If you find the right community it can be fantastic and a spiritually enlightening way to live your life.

All the very best

Tim

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Humanoid.

Chelcie:  mine is a simple suggestion. Have you ever thought of attending a twelve step group?  They are not just for addictions but for “life” recovery.  There are many different types out there.  There is even one for recovery from legalism. They can be very helpful in healing damaged emotions as well as teaching or giving you tools for help in moving forward and making choices and decisions. Just a thought.  I was once caught up in a very legalistic religion which constantly condemned and made you feel guilt and shame in various ways. It’s been quite a journey to deprogram my way of thinking as a result of those teachings.  And I still struggle in different areas of my thought processes even to this day and it’s been over 20 years. A twelve step program can help you sort that out. I wish you well.

My reply is super late I know. But there might be someone who reads this later and will see that there is a large group of people who understand what they’re going through.

I officially left the church early this year after realizing that I had lots of questions that Christianity could not give me the answers to. It’s been an interesting process. On one hand I feel free. It’s one of the most liberating feelings I’ve had in my whole life. (Though I’m only 23!) But I also miss the sense of security that came from being in a community. And I miss the feeling of safety that came from believing I had a personal relationship with God. I was never alone when I was a Christian and that was a huge source of comfort.

I’m happy now and I wouldn’t go back to the church for anything, but it is a bit lonely on the outside I’ll admit.

Lots of love

Terri.