So the conversation started (on Facebook btw) bc my bfs sister in law posted something about how she knew which one of her dogs was guilty of tearing something up bc of how she looked/acted. Well,  I’m a veterinarian with a strong interest (but not a speciality) in behavior issues. So I tried to show her, using what I know and links to reputable sources, that what her dog was doing was showing appeasement behaviors,  not necessarily “guilt”. It’s not known for sure if dogs do feel guilt… they likely do not…but our behaviors/tone of voice/body posture clues them in when we’re upset/angry…so they then show appeasement… they show the whites of their eyes, tuck their ears, tail tucked, lowered head, etc…. this is meant to show us humans that the appeasing dog isn’t a threat… they’re basically asking us to not hurt them or threaten them anymore. It’s basically dog language for “I see you’re upset. I may not know why that is,  but don’t take it out on me please”.

Somehow,  they twisted this into thinking I was saying that they hit their dogs, or were bad pet owners somehow.  All I wanted to do was show them that there was a key difference between what they called “acting guilty” and what is actually just appeasement. Not all dogs act this way…more timid, submissive dogs will do it much more commonly than a confident dog, even if the confident dog actually was the “guilty” one who tore up the house. And just bc a dog is timid or submissive doesn’t mean the owner beat them or did anything wrong at all. Some dogs are just naturally, genetically made that way.

Ok… so long rant on dog behavior and not really relevant to this forum. But I guess my point is that this sort of thing happens to me a LOT. I say something I think is great and wonderful, educational and useful, and/or being kind and thoughtful.  But instead, people think I’m just trying to make myself look better than them,  that I’m somehow insulting them.  That I’m stuck up and snobbish. So I’m at the point I don’t want to talk to anyone unless it’s about nonsense like the weather, or in a professional capacity where I’m expected to give my expert advice and it’s not seen as condescending.

So last night,  when I found out that my bfs family still resented me for what I’d said months ago about the dogs,  it hit me like a brick wall…if I can’t even talk to friends/family about stuff,  even stuff I know well and have science to back me up, without ticking them off so bad they unfriend and block me on Facebook,  and still hold that resentment months later when I thought it had all been forgotten about and over with… well,  I’d better just not say anything anymore. So I sat in miserable silence for hours last night with them,  in their home. Unable to escape, barely able to keep from falling apart in tears the entire time.  Bc my bf didn’t tell me they still felt resentment towards me until we were halfway there (right before we picked up his daughter though).   And we couldn’t turn around bc his daughter wanted to go so bad to see her cousins and grandparents etc, and his whole family was expecting them. I was trapped in the situation. I seriously couldn’t risk saying more than Hi to anyone there…just utterly panicked inside that anything else I said might be taken the wrong way again, and knowing the whole time that they didn’t want me there anyhow.

The one brief attempt I made to interact was immediately met with disparaging comments against vets by one of my bfs brothers as they talked with me standing next to him.  As soon as I came to where they were talking, he launched into a story about his sick dog, and how vets just want to rip people off with unnecessary tests and recommend “crappy” prescription dog food.  As soon as I realized what he was doing,  I walked away again, without even having said a word. As soon as I left and sat down away from everyone again, he changed back to a neutral subject. It was pretty clear that he wanted to drive me away, that he was using a thinly veiled story about this other vet to get at me.

I can fake being “normal” in most social situations, such as work, or little get-togethers… but I can no longer fake my way when I know I’m not even wanted there.

I wish it were possible for me to find that cabin “off the grid” someone on another thread spoke of. But my life is too entangled with responsibility….I have 2 kids, an ex that I’m paying child support to, my pets (at least they don’t judge me as long as they get their food,  water,  a warm bed,  and some snuggle time). I’ve got too much tying me down…student loan debt, car payment, house payment, etc. Even if I could leave behind my family, my debt would haunt me and keep me from starting over. I’m trapped like a bird in a cage.  My options are to keep everyone at a distance just so I can feel like I can keep surviving without the constant hurt they inflict on me whenever they get close, to commit suicide (I almost did this several times before my divorce), or to just throw it all away and live homeless (which is looking more and more attractive all the time).

See Peter….I know I’m intelligent (I got my veterinary degree and was near the top of my class),  I’m pretty (I’ve been asked to model several times), I’m successful (Good career, nice pay and benefits,  I’m ahead on all my house/car/student loan payments, no monthly credit card payments that I don’t pay in full each month to avoid interest). On the outside, I’ve got the American dream, other than that I’m divorced and my ex got the bulk of custody (thanks to a greedy lawyer who convinced me to settle instead of fight since I paid a flat rate instead of hourly… and I was depressed and vulnerable at the time).

I thought I was doing great. I’d even pulled myself from the depths of suicidal depression during the end of the marriage, and life was looking better all the time.  I had more money and security than before. I have (had???) this amazing boyfriend who is everything I could have hoped for and more… but he’s probably leaving me over all this now.  He’s already said he’s staying with a friend this weekend and he’s moving out as soon as he finds a place. He says he wants to help me, he still loves me…but he can’t be with me if I can’t change and be more….hell, I don’t even know what. More social? More intimate? More open? More of not who I am.

I’m the freaking Barbie doll… I’ve got everything on the outside, but I’m nothing really but an empty shell. People seem to love me for a while,  then toss me aside bc I no longer interest them, or my freaking head falls off, or the paint that made me look desirable wears away and they see how worthless I really am.

I don’t function like normal people.  I don’t want someone to get close or intimate, to know me, to see my flaws. The only way I know to keep going is to keep that facade up around everyone,  and not let them in. Whenever I’ve let someone get closer, I get terribly hurt…and it gets worse every time it happens. So I won’t risk it agaain.  That’s why I’m unlovable.