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Unsettled life.

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 21 hours ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #212235

    bunny
    Participant

    I am  50 years old, have been with my son's father since I was 18years old.We got married when I was 22 and he was 25 years old.Since than I left him  7 times always me leaving him,and turning back to him too.While I had another two affairs during this time.We have been together again for one year now.But I feel totally lost, unsecured ,unhappy and can not take a decision in my life .In the past year our son got married .We have been in silent mode for the last 6 months.I feel thorn between my son and my x boyfriend,whom I still have contact as he wants me to go and live with him.We also have passed through a lot cause he was very aggressive with me pushing him away due to me leaving him to go back to my marriage life.Because I missed my son terribly and felt guilt as well.He has changed in many ways as he does not feel unsecured anymore.But I am afraid of trusting him ,and am afraid of leaving my son .As I was brought up that we keep a very good contact with our family as much as possible.I feel i made a mess out of my life and my sons life.

    #212285

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bunny:

    Retelling your short post so to process the little information I have:

    At 18 you met a 21 year old man, married him four years later. In the 32 year relationship (28 year marriage), you left him seven times and had two affairs. Last time you returned to the marriage was a year ago, at 49. The two of you have one son who got married in the last year.

    Currently you are still in contact with an ex boyfriend (the second affair you mentioned, I suppose). The boyfriend wants you to leave your husband and live with him and was somehow “very aggressive” with you when you returned to your marriage a year ago. You are afraid of trusting the boyfriend following his very aggressive behavior and you are “afraid of leaving (your) son”.

    For me to understand better, I ask:

    1. If your son is an adult who is married, isn't he living with his wife separately from you? If so, how is it that if you leave your marriage you will also be leaving your son?

    2. How was your boyfriend very aggressive with you, what did he say/ do that was very aggressive?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 7 hours ago by  anita.
    #212365

    bunny
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Yes the first part of the story is as you wrote.

    And yes i am still in contact with the second affair .We have known each other for nine years and at the beginning of our relationship he was aggressive e.g. he kept me closed in his bedroom flat against my wish .He tried to scare me by taking me in the dark where no people pass by and took my mobile not to be able to contact anyone .

    Not the past year he was aggressive in the beginning of the relationship.

    I am afraid that my son will not talk to me since I have left so many times.Yes he lives with his wife but he has his workshop in the house where we live.So he comes every day .

    Bunny

     

    #212415

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bunny:

    I suppose if you do leave the marriage the eighth time, it should be the last time.

    If your son was angry at you because you left the marriage previously, then he wouldn't like it if you leave it again. But maybe he was angry that you left and came back, left again and came back yet again. In the second case, if you leave and not return, he may be okay with it…?

    Which brings me to the question, if you would like to answer, why did you return each time… and why did you leave every time that you did?

    anita

    #212495

    bunny
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I always kept on dreaming that by going back my husband will learn how to treat me better,since he was always possessive .I was never allowed to do anything by my own.

    I have never excepted that my marriage was a full unsuccessful.

    Never until today still dreaming to make it work.

    I feel so unsecured and do not know what is next to do…I live day by day with no hope for a better future.

    Bunny

    #212551

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bunny:

    You don't share much, very few words. I have questions and very little information. When I asked you why you left your husband repeatedly, you answered that he was possessive, that is all you wrote. But how was he possessive, what did he do or say that was possessive, did you talk to him about this problem, what did he say to you in return…. being possessive, how did he accept you when you returned to him.. does he know about the affairs…

    and if he was possessive and you were never allowed to do anything on your own (“I was never allowed to do anything by my own), how did you manage to have two affairs, one of which went on for years (if I understand correctly)?

    anita

    #212609

    bunny
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry for  my short reply.What I mean possessive I was not allowed to dress what I liked  was not allowed to go out with friends ,was not allowed to get a car licence  and was not allowed to take trips by my own.

    The second affair was based on going out during my days off and a few hours after work while he was still at work,and chatting .

    The first affair was someone i worked with so we  use to see each other everyday.

    Yes when i spoke to him about the problem he denies it.When I asked him if he had any affairs he says no.

    Yes I told him about the affairs cause ,I thought we are starting a new  life together.He accepted the situation but when we fight he mention my past ,and tells me to go back to my x boyfriend.We went three times to a therapist but still it did not work.He says I am the problem,and its me who needs therapy not him.He says he is fine and he is a loyal man and has nothing to be fixed.

    Hope I made you understand a bit more my situation.

    Bunny

     

     

    #212615

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bunny:

    Yes, you helped me understand a bit more of your situation.

    I understand you are still employed, working, correct?

    Here is a suggestion and do let me know if it makes sense to you: leave your husband for the last and final time. Move to a place of your own, living by yourself, not with any man. Let your son know that you are leaving his father for the last and final time. Tell him you regret for having left and returned so many times before. Tell him you love him and you don't intend to interfere with his relationship (personal and work relationship) with his father.

    Settle your “Unsettled life” by living your life as an independent woman, not possessed, not harassed. Live with self respect, dignity.

    What do you think?

    * Will be away from the computer soon for about 14 hours.

    anita

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