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unstable relationships:one second i love him and the next one i can't stand him

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  • September 13, 2019 at 4:34 pm #312143
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    hi everyone,

    im here to ask for help because i dont understand myself anymore.

    There’s this guy which i am sure i have feelings for, we met at school and quickly started to tease each other, a few months later he told me that he loved me and i just didn’t know how to react because i had feelings for him but here’s the problem: i feel like my mind is kinda split, like one moment i love him and i just wanna be with him all the time and the next one i just wanna run away and isolate myself. its like there is a switch or a parasite in my mind which makes me change opinions very easily. so when im madly in love with him, i would go and talk to him all the time and then i would have that “isolation feeling” so i would just stop talking to him, the littlest things upset me and i change moods all the time. but after the love i have for him came back and i became really mad at myself for rejecting him so i came back to him. it kept going on and on like that for weeks/months. its very exhausting for me and for him because he never really did anything wrong. i felt trapped in a vicious circle because when i was without him i felt sad and missing something but when i was with him, nothing ever worked because of the unstableness. i tried to explain to him what was going on in my mind but failed every time, he then thought that i played with him for fun and i tried to explain him that it was false and that i really had feelings for him but he didn’t believe me. now he hates me and i just hate me too for hurting someone i really care about.

    that’s why im searching for help here, if someone has an explanation or could clarify the situation i would be glad to hear it .             thank you in advance

     

    September 13, 2019 at 4:56 pm #312161
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lana:

    Reads to me that “the switch” you are experiencing is the shift from love to fear, back and forth. It is common to crave love and fear it the same time. Love feels so good so we want more of it, but then we get scared of losing it.

    When we fear losing a man’s love, we stop feeling the love for him first, so that we don’t get hurt when he stops loving us.

    Does that make sense to you?

    (I will be back in about 13 hours from now).

    anita

     

    September 13, 2019 at 6:12 pm #312165
    Grenada
    Participant

    Hi Lana,

    sorry don’t know if that’s a L or I . Hopefully spelled your name correctly.

    the switching etc sounds like splitting or BPD which I started studying after someone I Love was displaying Avoidant & Switching behaviors.

    so basically a couple things. People with avoidant attachment style fear engulfment. One way they cope is by pushing people away, doing things purposely to sabotage relationship. Yet like everyone else they need intimacy and crave it, so when the person leaves – they fear abandonment and come back.

    i used to do the same thing. One way I was able to have relationships then (in the wrong way) was I got into relationships with other avoidants so I wouldn’t feel engulfed, but also it re-affirmed my childhood wound of rejection and abandonment. It was familiar and so comfortable and so I stayed in unhealthy relationships. Or I just never allowed myself to get close to people in my relationships even in romance and I was kind of able to wear a mask so to speak and fabricate love and the love experience but all that did was lead to resentment and not being satisfied ,  control issues and transactional love.

    That’s what the push pull you feel is. It’s your attachment style. And fear of engulfment and control.

    When have you felt controlled in your childhood? Or when have you felt your needs not being met, and felt you had to do things on your own?

    If our parents weren’t available in early childhood for whatever reason, we might develop the avoidant attachment style. Basically the “I gotta do this shit alone because life sucks and that’s how it is. And all my partners should know that too.” So we see partners who simply want to show us love as “needy” because that’s how we’d judge ourselves to rationalize the unfortunate fact that our parents weren’t there.

    The splitting may be BPD, if we were in situations in early childhood where we had to be two different people or had to put on a mask at some points we may not integrate in our adulthood.

    with both avoidant and BPD they are both highly sensitive people . Though it may feel like they are playing games or manipulative. It’s not intentional, still not an excuse. Also these people ONLY do this when they are close to someone. They ONLY do this with people they truly love. That’s why I was able to have compassion for someone I love who displayed these signs as well. What these people with these patterns have to realize is when they experience a split, it’s a form of dissociation . When they experience a trigger it’s them treating the person they love as the “wounding parent.” When they can catch the switch or splits or triggers and be educated on the fact that even though subconscious , they’re testing the people they love as a “wounding parent.” Then they can begin to do better like through calming down, slow desensitization, opposite action.

    id recommend a couple things.

    DBT therapy

    Talking to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication to take edge off intense feelings until you work through the origin of trauma.

    Youtube tutorials and educational videos that are sensitive not judgmental and can give you ways to deal with it. Even if you don’t have BPD researching it will help as they deal with same things you mentioned. Also researching how to work through Avoidant attachment styles.

    AJ Mahari on YouTube

    and Nu Mindfame.

    in your relationship. As I’ve been on both sides. What would’ve helped me with the person I love who Switches is if they would have directly told me and allowed space to talk about their triggers no matter how embarrassing or irrational they think it is. I’m a resource, I work in mental health , I’m a coach and I deeply love them. So I’d think I’d be pretty understanding .

    So communicate. It’s easier to  write for some people , so write to them instead and be direct and open and communicate your love. Best to get it out in open to move past it. Won’t get anywhere by hiding or running .

    much love

     

     

    September 14, 2019 at 7:05 am #312229
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lana:

    I replied to you quickly yesterday and decided to spend more time on your thread this morning. You shared: “we met at school… a few months later he told me that he loved me… one moment I love him and i just wanna be with him all the time and the next one I just wanna run away and isolate myself.. when I’m madly in love with him, I would  go and talk to him all the time and then I would have that ‘isolating feeling’ so I would just stop talking to him, the littlest things upset me.. I felt trapped in a vicious cycle,, without him I felt sad and missing something.. he then thought that I played with him for fun.. now he hates me and I just hate me too for hurting someone I really care about”.

    First, a comment: it is hurtful for a person to be rejected repeatedly, particularly when, as you wrote, “he never really did anything wrong”. A person in a relationship needs consistency, not inconsistency, on-again-off-again. And so, he did the right thing to end the relationship with you, if this is what he did.

    Here are five possibilities as to what has been fueling this behavior, on your part. You provided very little information, so a lot of what follow is my guessing. The truth may in any one of the following or a combination of these:

    1. Maybe you don’t really like him. You like that a guy is interested in you, it feels good to be wanted, but you don’t like him very much. You wish someone taller/shorter/more popular/whatever was after you, not him.

    2. Maybe he did something wrong (although you wrote “he never really did anything wrong”), but you like the idea of a relationship so much that you turned a blind eye to  it. For example, he may be nice to you but he gossips about his friends, being nice to them in person but then he complains about them behind their backs. You figure he may be complaining about you too behind your back. (Again, I am just guessing and this is a maybe-kind of example).

    3. Maybe you feel that there is something wrong about yourself, a defect or an inferiority that if you let him be close for too long, he’ll find out about that wrongness and reject you, so every time you get anxious about him finding out your defect, you isolate yourself from him.

    4. Maybe this “vicious cycle” is an activation of a childhood relationship you had (and may still  be having), as in one of your parents showed you some attention or affection and then withdrew, then after a while, repeated the same. Fast forward, as the teenager or young adult that you are, you are afraid that a boyfriend will withdraw, same as your parent did, so you withdraw first. Then you miss him and repeat. You are not only afraid that he will withdraw, you are also angry at him even though he didn’t withdraw from you yet (before he finally did). The anger is an activation of your anger at a parent who  did withdraw from you repeatedly.

    Examples of a parent’s withdrawal: regularly paying more attention to a sibling, talking about how wonderful a sibling or any other child is, but not about you, maybe even being critical of you while glorifying other children. Another example: a parent being affectionate with you but then distant when distracted by other things- be it the computer, or drinking or anything else they do, not wanting to pay attention to you anymore.

    – if you spent a lot of time as a child in a day care or a babysitter’s home, the affection/ withdrawal may have been done by the caretaker there.

    5. Maybe you are testing him each time you withdraw- will he go after me? is the test, will he pursue me, wanting to affirm and reaffirm to yourself that he really, really wants you or loves you.

    — what do you think?

    anita

     

     

     

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