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Unsure about everything and scared

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  • #85363
    Lidewij
    Participant

    Hello guys,

    I’m a keen tiny buddha reader, and this is my first venture out on the forum.
    I’ve been trying to figure out my situation using this website as a tool and have also tried antidepressants and a little therapy in the past. Neither of which worked that well for me. The therapy did a little, but I could not afford it regularly.

    I need a bit of help/advice because I feel very lost and unsure about pretty much everything in my life.
    I’m a Dutch girl living in London and I’m 26, and I’ve been living here for 5 years. I kind of ended up here by accident and am not happy anymore with my job. I live with some friends (a family not my age) who are very nice and doing me a favour but cannot really afford a place of my own. Also recently, I have lost two of my best friends which is very painful because I never had friends back home and these guys were like family, until one day they were not. I feel very lonely about that despite having a boyfriend who is lovely. I’m kind of worried about losing him too sometimes, like everything is great now but nobody knows what happens in the future. We’ve only been seeing each other for about four months.

    I am going away in December for three months to volunteer in Bolivia, which I have dreamed about for a long time and I am hoping that it will turn into more opportunities for me as the volunteering is in line with what I would like to do as a job someday. But instead of being really excited I feel worried about what I’m going to do when I get back, I don’t even know where I would live. Moving back to Holland does not feel good, but London does not feel good either.

    I feel a bit like a failure because I have no degree and no prospects at the moment. It would be nice at least to know which country I would like to live in but everything seems so uncertain. I’m kind of also scared about being disappointed and finding out that the work that I want to do is just not going to happen. And I’m too weak minded to have that mentality of just making it happen.

    I’ve always been insecure and unsure of myself, and have never really believed in my abilities that much. If there are any positive things I think about that I have achieved I feel like I’m lying to myself and that they are not that good. There are some things that I would like to do like starting a blog and getting into photography, but I only kind of know I want to do those things, they don’t fill me with excitement, nothing seems to. I just start feeling fear and dread. And then I achieve nothing, over and over every day.

    Sitting here typing all of this out makes me very sad and feel hopeless. But I am hoping that maybe someone on here could give me some pointers on how to turn things around. I don’t want to be weak anymore, and I want to stop slipping in and out of depression.

    to any who have taken the time to read this thanks very much

    #85364
    Lidewij
    Participant

    I should also add that I have started practising yoga and meditation back in February, but despite these two practises that are really helping I still struggle

    #85365
    jock
    Participant

    Your writing standard suggests you would handle college/university no problem. 26 is not, I repeat, not old. You have plenty of time to turn things around.
    You may have to return to your home country for a while at some stage, in order to get some perspective. (also University costs would be cheaper there, no?)
    I’d say after the Bolivia trip reassess. As long as you have enough money to survive. Finances really do control a lot of our decisions in life.
    I’ve lived overseas for up to 15 years, and you reach a point where you can’t be totally happy anywhere. So don’t expect it. Life is often a compromise and happiness is what you make it. Learn to see the positives in any country you live, would be my advice.

    #85366
    Brian
    Participant

    Lidewij,

    Forgive me for the format, but several things you said jumped out at me, which I’ve put into two categories:

    “nobody knows what happens in the future”
    “everything seems so uncertain”

    “And I’m too weak minded”
    “I’ve always been insecure”

    The first set is actually an expression of fact: nobody knows what happens in the future. Life could end in 30 minutes. Or it could go on for another 80 years. “Good” things could happen, “bad” things could happen. As a worrier myself, I’ve struggled to accept these facts, though I’ve worked to help myself do so.

    Which leads me to the next set: perhaps you *have* always been insecure. I have. But I would say that you’re not weak minded. That might be presumptuous on my part, but I think how you talk to/about yourself can really affect your mood and therefore your life experience.

    So, since the future is inherently uncertain, and you’re having trouble with hopelessness and depression, I would try the following, on a daily basis at least:

    Each night, before you go to sleep, breathe in for 4-5 seconds, visualizing the number “1”, and then exhale for 6-7 seconds from your mouth, feeling the air escape, and seeing that “1” in your head. Maybe even saying it quietly aloud. Repeat this for 2 through 10. Make sure to focus on the numbers (or your breaths, whichever you prefer); focusing on them means you’re not focusing on what may or may not happen in the future. Do this every day for a week or longer (I’ve done it nearly every single day since early September, and it has become part of my routine so that it doesn’t feel foreign or silly anymore). Also, envision yourself triumphing, succeeding at whatever you’re doing and whatever life throws at you. Do this daily too, or more than daily. The idea is to establish a routine and accept your reality as it is, without trying to change it. If you’re worrying, acknowledge that you’re worrying, and do your best to let that thought go in favor of practicing being in the moment.

    How often/how long do you meditate? The mind can go all over the place of course when meditating, depending on how much worry there is and what the circumstances are. This doesn’t mean that you fail at meditating. It just means that you’re still learning to live.

    Letting go of worry isn’t an easy thing. But the methods of getting there are simple, if not “easy”. Meditation/mindfulness helps people grow. I think it’s a lifelong thing for some of us. I know it is for me.

    #85368
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lidewij:

    Unsure, insecure, weak, lost are four adjectives you use to describe yourself. You would like to change yourself and become sure, secure, strong and feel comfortable where you are with what you are doing, even excited and motivated, goal minded, have friends, be involved etc. When you look at where you are mentally in comparison to your ideal. how you would like to be, the gap is huge, isn’t it? you want pretty much the opposite of what describes you, don’t you?

    This is where the trap is, the comparison you make between your state of mind and affairs as is and what you would like your state of mind and affairs to be.

    Once you accept your state of mind as is, unsure, insecure, weak and lost with peace of mind, once you relax into what is and stop wanting to change what is, you will be transformed. You will be transformed into what you are not imagining right now. I don’t know what that would be. You will exit the trap of comparing what is and the ideal in your mind.

    Resist the temptation to continue to compare yourself to other people as well.

    Can you repeat: “It is okay to be me. It is okay to be unsure. It is okay to be weak. It is okay to be lost. I am okay with who I am. I am okay with where I am. I am okay.”

    If you repeated that and breathed in the words, how does it feel?

    anita

    #86105
    Lidewij
    Participant

    Thanks to all three of you who have taken the time to answer and put effort into helping

    Sorry I haven’t replied before

    #86112
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lidewij:

    You are welcome. It is okay with me that you didn’t reply before. Any feedback on the replies you got? On how helpful or how not helpful?

    anita

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