So I wanted to give a update and as always get some feedback on my situation. This weekend I had a conversation with my fiancé and we discussed what happened and her actions. She told me it was the biggest mistake of her life and if she could go back and change it she would. That she did not appreciate me or my family back then and made a bad decision and had regretted it. I told her I hated the idea of her being with men who did not respect her; her response was she hated it more and didn’t know any better at the time. That she thought she had all the answers and was running the show, she said she was evil and arrogant and got exactly what she deserved; misery. None of this made me feel any better, it actually made me very sad. She traded her youth for “money/lifestyle” and was emotionally abused the entire time. It is hard for me to understand that because the dynamics of our relationship where that of equality and she left me for the hopes of landing a old millionaire. She treats me incredibly well and I could not be happier with the relationship. I have accepted that she gave away her prime to someone who did not appreciate it; but that is a hard pill to swallow. I was there when she left me and I was there to pick her back up again when things did not work out the way she had anticipated 15 years later.

What I do understand or at least have a greater understanding is the mentality she had at the time. Yes, she was closer to me than anyone she had ever been with; and it scared her. She was molested by her grandfather who was also a preacher from 7 to 11 years old. I can only imagine the psychological damage that did in regards to her views on me. Then combine this with being dirt poor, a mother who was getting closer to death each day and you have someone who is in constant survival mode. Like she said, the old man with money she could handle, she could control that; she could not control the emotions and love that we had. It was a I’ll get out before you can hurt me.

You see I supported us for 1.5 years, I owned a business and she stayed with me the entire time, we were never apart. I was 21 when she left and it devastated me. My parents were about to buy us a home, she had no idea; at the time. We were set up for success and her decision killed that world and created a new one for us both. I hated women, I hated them and used them. I became a horrible person and wanted my pain and suffering to affect other people. I remember saying tonight I will kill my conscious; this was my motto. It is sad how pain and suffering is passed from person to person. How deceit and lies have a way of creating a alternate world where actions are justified if they feed your self loathing.

I left the country for almost 10 years, I have 3 passports full and have lived in some of the most beautiful places imaginable. I have been to the Buddhist temples in Cambodia and Thailand. I have traveled and lived in the Middle East and all through Africa. I have sowed my oats enough for 50 men. While she was living in misery, I was truly exploring the world and myself. I know I should be grateful for this. I know she is sad for the time and memories she lost with me. We joke about the next lifetime and how we will live it, but for today we just love each other the rest of this one.

So no more upset for me. No more rehashing what could have or should have been. I will only truly understand the whole picture when I am dead and speaking to the Man. The story is sad, lessons were learned that did not need to be and were more costly than anything.

Thank you for reading and for your input…