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Very confused and i really don't know what to do

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  • #80576
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello every one

    I really need some help, any help would be appreciated.
    I have been with my bf now for 8 months, we met at a time where i was going through a break up from a 3 year relationship and he was going through a divorce. I only found out about the divorce after, when he saw that we really liked one another, he didnt want to scare me away at such an early stage of our relationship..fair enough. But there was a problem, he was here on business so in a months time he had to go back, we both fell deeply in love with one another, it was one of those whirlwind romances i guess. He sat me down and told me about his life, that he was going through a divorce from a 10 year marriage and that he has a 4 year old son. It was a huge shock to me, i’ve never dated a man that had been married or had to have dealt with a child too. It took me a while to swallow all of this, but i thought to myself whats wrong with dating a man that has been married and has a child, i love children, i would never see his child as anything different or not love the child because it was with another woman. So i accepted it, he went back to his country and for 6 months we both traveled to and fro to see one another. Its been quite a rocky relationship from the start, of course long distance was very hard for the both of us and very new to me as well, sleeping alone every night wasn’t what i wanted in a relationship, there were a few hiccups here and there but we loved each other so deeply there was no way we could have let go of one another. During the 6 months of the relationship ( the duration of time that we were long distance) i noticed he could be quite controlling, jealous and insecure. He would make me feel bad for going out for coffee with friends, or being online (whatsapp) talking to friends, or say ”i hope u love me as much as u say u do, and i know so many guys would be dying to date you” just small little pathetic things. I started to notice after a while that i had literally stopped going out, stopped talking to friends, or telling them to send me normal msgs or speak on Skype so he wouldn’t see me online. I saw his behavior as so possessive, i told him about this and we had fight after fight, and he claims hes never been this way and its because its long distance etc.. i didnt mind if he went out or met with his friends, even though he never did ! Of course i have my insecurities and issues but i keep them to myself and try not to make a scene of it. He came back to where i live about a month ago on business again, and we couldn’t wait as he would be staying with me. 1st week was bliss, pure bliss. 2nd week came, we wouldnt go a day without fighting and im talking about the most pathetic reasons for us to fight. The problem is im very sensitive and u could say something so harmless but if u say to me abruptly etc.. it hurts me, it offends me lets put it that way. He is snappy, moody and loves to be in control. To cut the long story short because im babbling on here is our plan was for me to move with him to his country next month. He says how much he loves me and that he wants to marry me etc.. my family adore him, my friends adore him, but things are really not easy with him and i dont know anymore.. i used to be so excited about the idea of moving to a new country and start a new life. Im 26 and i m deseperate to settle down and have a family..and im scared maybe this is the reason why im settling with all the bad things are going on?

    I dont know what to do.. please help. I am so sorry for the long long story x

    #80579
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexandrav:

    You wrote that your family and friends adore your boyfriend but it is you who is considering moving to another country to live with him, not your family and not your friends. So it is you alone considering this plan. What your family and friends feel about the boyfriend then should not, I believe, be a consideration of yours. Besides, what they feel about him is based on their experience with him- as positive as it is- as positive as yours was before you got to know him better.

    You also write thast you are desperate to settle down and have a family. You mention your age, 26, as a reason, i suppose why it is getting to be too late to settle down and have a family.. you are getting too old…? Desperation is dangerous when you consider making a good decision, sin’t it? It is not so bad to settle down at 30, is it? You have a few more years… and since you are able to love a child of another mother (his own son) or you are willing, then you can settle down even at 36… or older and adopt a child, can you not? Is the desperation grounded in reality or in cultural perceptions that may very well not be necessary to uphold and follow?

    You are asking for help. In deciding what to do, I suppose: to move to the new country and live with him or not?

    Not a good idea, alexandrav, is my input here. Not a good idea. I can only imagine the horror that this move can entail. My goodness, you can put yourself through hell and not only yourself but bring a child or children into the world to the horror that I can imagine. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea, and it seems to be like an irresponsible idea- for yourself and for the child/ren you are considering having.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #80582
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you so much for the prompt reply.

    Yes i completely agree with what you are saying here, it is not them moving to another country its me. Why i expressed that was because my family weren’t ever fond of any of my exes, and this one they seem to adore. My mum has been my biggest support in this relationship, my sisters as much as they love him they have also seen that side of him and have advised me to think about it more. My mum on the other hand is trying to keep positive and saying that its the stress from his divorce, working 12 hour shifts (hes in the military), missing his son etc.. there is a lot that could be contributing to his behavior, and he has also used these few things as a reason to why he acts the way he acts sometimes. I mean i think we all know how it is to have a few hour sleep plus stress hanging over your head, it can make one very snappy and irritated.. but then again this could be me making excuses for him again ?

    I dont think i am getting too old, but i envisioned myself starting a family now. I have had a very dysfunctional family growing up, never met my biological dad till i was about 20 and was raised by a wonderful man who i called dad, sadly passed away a few years ago, and now my step dad has also passed away a few months ago.. which i guess the wanting to settle down and make my own family is because ive never felt i had a family, a proper one anyway. But like you have said dear Anita, i can settle down at 36 or even adopt a child if i wanted to, there isnt such a rush when it comes to these things.

    It doesn’t seem like the best idea, i know. At first i couldnt wait to move, i could not wait for my new life with him. I dont think i have potrayed him as a very nice person to be honest. He is a lovely person, he makes me laugh, hes loving and caring and very mature and most of all very very loyal. My previous partner of 3 years cheated on me non stop throughout our relationship, so trusting any man right now is very difficult, even now i feel like at any given time he can just say goodbye and never contact me or go back to his ex wife etc.. this is where my fears and insecurities come in.

    What shall i do? Shall i wait a little longer? Shall i say i need more time to consider this?.. or shall i just give up. I hate giving up on anything 🙁 He does make me happy, just some of his issues that he has pushes me away and i dont know if i can handle this in the long run.

    But i totally agree with all you have said Anita, thank you so much !

    #80587
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexandrav:

    I think that it is very important for you to make your own decision on this, not being affected by what your mother thinks. You wrote that you had a very dysfunctional family life. This means that your mother did not make good choices herself, so please do not be swayed by her feelings on this- she keeping a positive attitude is of no relevance to you. Again, she has no good choice making record to qualify her to make good choices for you, does she?

    If you make a good choice- or a bad choice- let it be your choice.

    Regarding your boyfriend being stressed as the reason for his… troubling behaviors: does he plan for immediate or soon to be changes in his life that mean less stress? Is he ending his military career and planning on a relaxed one? If he does, why don’t you wait to see how he is under the relaxed life he is about to lead? If he is not planning so, what is the point of considering his stress level? it is not about judging him- whether he WOULD BE behaving differently under relaxed circumstances, it is about LIVING with him and having to endure his behaviors- or not.

    You are fortunate, if you take advantage of this, that you do see how he behaves under stress- and unless you see a good reason why his stress level is about to significantly diminish, this is how he will continue to behave.

    And if you live with him, you may try to reduce his stress level so he behaves right for you. And you may diminish yourself, making yourself smaller and smaller, more and more invisible, more and more about getting along with him for the sake of peace, losing yourself in the process.

    You ask if you should just give up- I say yes, give up on any and all delusions, false beliefs, unreasonable expectations. See reality as it is. Then decide based on reality. If you need more information about the nature of reality, reality with him, get that information, study the reality of it, and base your decision on accurate information-

    If you are distressed at the moment, reach a state of calm, be it later today, tomorrow or next week- clear your mind. Do not rush. Wait for all the information you can get. Not for your mother’s opinion or your sisters’- or anyone here or there- make an educated decision.

    Separate fantasy from reality.
    anita

    #80653
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Sorry for the very late reply, i have read your message over and over again and at first it was a blow to the face, i guess because no one has told me to actually give up on him. I am not saying what you said was wrong, this is your opinion of something i needed help on and i cannot thank you enough for taking the time to reply and help me. I guess the saying is right.. ”truth hurts”

    I agree on the fact that my mother did make very bad choices in her life, so did everyone in my family.. this isn’t why i am sticking with him or have done till now, the fact is i do love him and i love him very much.Despite his faults i dont think any man has loved me as much as he does. Like i said previously every man i have been with has cheated on me, i feel because i trusted too easily and i am very naive, i believe that there is so much good in everybody. No one have ever pushed me to do something i wouldn’t want to do. My mother just wants me to be happy i think and she knows how much i love him but she also knows how deeply emotional i am and that i can sit and over think so many things and in the end push good people away.

    He will not be ending his military career any time soon , but when back in his country the hours are a lot less and there are days off. Right now he is working 12 hour shifts 7 days a week and i know it is tough on him. I know this is no excuse though to act the way he does.It is not my fault, and as a gf of course i can be the one he can vent out too and tell me his problems but i shouldn’t be the one that he takes out all those problems on. I have lived him when he has been a lot more relaxed and he is a lovely person, but this side of him does scare me a little and pushes me away slightly on the fact that i may be moving country for this person, can i handle him being this way? Will he treat me right or will he cast me aside once he has me where he wants me.

    This is something i don’t want to do Anita ”losing myself in the process of trying to make him happy” i tend to do this in all my relationships as i always put them before me, and they know this and they take advantage. In the beginning when he knew he had done something wrong he would instantly apologize, now everything seems to be my fault. Past few weeks he has been waking up a little moodier than normal and tell me the reason behind it is he keeps having dreams of my ex and i. I mean this is ridiculous, am i meant to feel bad for him dreaming of my ex and i? He makes it look like it is my fault.

    You say yes in giving up.. giving up in the sense of i shouldn’t be thinking that things will get better if i move, or he will become a better person etc?

    Hes not very good at talking, i don’t know why this is, but hes terrible and confrontation but brilliant when talking via messages, he will open his heart out to me. Is there something i could tell him via message, about my fears and insecurities and what i think should be? Or is this yet again a loosing battle?

    Love and peace

    x

    #80654
    anita
    Participant

    Dear x:

    You wrote “truth hurts”- this is why we all tend to change the truth we see, make it more palatable but it is only what we see that we change, not what is there. Sooner or later the truth will make itself clear. Why not see it now, even though it hurts and it is scary…? Later it will hurt more and will be more scary.

    You wrote that you love him and that is because you saw parts of him that are loving to you, loyal to you; parts of him that are precious and beautiful. You also saw that at first he apologized to you for things he may have done wrong and now he points to you as the one in the wrong, automatically pointing to you as the wrong doer, even for … bringing about his dreams (about you and your ex). See both, see his loving self and his “you-are-wrong” finger pointing at you. See both.

    You signed out “love and peace,” not “love and war.” Do you want a life in a new country of love and peace or of love and war…?

    And if it is war you are moving to another country for, is there any other outcome of that war but a “losing battle?” If it is going to be war: his anger, your efforts to calm him down, to keep the peace at the expense of you, is there any other outcome but a loss for you?

    It is my feeling that it is not a good idea at this point to move so to live with him.
    anita

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