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Vulnerability and Forgiveness

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  • December 11, 2014 at 1:43 pm #69120
    Nicole
    Participant

    Good afternoon!

    Fairly often, I have found that I am having issues trusting and forgiving. This phenomenon I know is pretty normal. Just let me break it down a bit further as well. As much as I try to not live in the past, I feel that some unresolved issues are stemming from there.

    1. I have been unfaithful in all of my relationships, with the exception of my current one.
    2. I have a long history of not feeling accepted. Mainly (I believe) being due to my mother being abusive to me as a child.

    These two things make I know are affecting how I see the world, trust, forgive, and deal with intimacy and vulnerability. In my current relationship, I am experiencing trust issues, and am starting to feel closed off for no reason. My boyfriend is not abusive, has never given me reasons to not trust him, and does a lot for me. My theory is that possibly since I have never allowed myself to be 100% vulnerable with anyone that possibly I am putting emotional blockers up in our relationship. These feelings are usually when I’m feeling hormonal and emotional. This isn’t a thought process I go through on a regular basis.

    My second issue with forgiveness; I know that I ‘should’ really forgive people who I am upset with. I am upset with my mother for being abusive to me and for not ever trying to make amends or be supportive. My mother and step dad go to different states to see friends, but won’t travel the hour that it takes to spend time with me. I am upset with my father for always expressing what I deserve, telling me that my “day is coming”, and for complaining that he never sees me, but not actually coming to visit. We always go visit him. I feel resentment for all efforts being spent on my sister when she was on drugs, but I never got rewarded for always being good.

    I know those are two separate issues, but that is a lot of what I am dealing with. I am having a hard time wanting to forgive, because I feel I deserve better than how my parents are treating me.

    The main question that I pose here are if there are better ways to deal with feeling these emotions and would just love some support overall.

    Thank you and have a great day!

    December 13, 2014 at 9:17 pm #69216
    Steve
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    I have a few thoughts on these issues, but you may not like them…and that’s fine. At least you’ll have the opportunity to hear another perspective. I’ll take it step by step…

    First…TRUST…the age old biggie. My general definition of trust is the ….”need for everyone else to act as I anticipate and believe they should”. I don’t care for the term trust. If I did, I, in turn would have to accept that I must act as others anticipate and expect me to act. I don’t care for that either. I make my own decisions, for good or for bad, based on my assessment at the time…not on what others expect me to do. I also believe others are likewise entitled. Our decisions may displease others at times, but that’s their problem. They are then entitled to react how they deem appropriate.

    For example…you said that you had been unfaithful in all your relationships. You obviously made those decisions for good reason. How did you expect your, then, partners to react? Should they have TRUSTED you not to be unfaithful?

    Once again, your Mother…you are expecting her to act as you believe she should. Is that realistic or fair?
    I believe in respecting other people’s decisions…even if they are not in my best interests. We don’t know why other people make particular decisions, but they obviously have a good reason…in their minds. If I don’t like how it affects me, I either “make other arrangements” or live with it. it’s MY problem, not theirs.

    As for deserving….where is that written? How many brownie points do we need before we are entitled or deserving?
    No one is deserving. The Universe will decide how we are treated…irrespective of our evaluation of our worthiness.

    The bottom line….as I see it….we don’t deserve anything, we are not entitled to other people acting in line with our “wants” and do we really need to forgive other people for living their lives how THEY want to?

    As I said…mightn’t be what you want to hear, but it’s what I think….

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