April 16, 2014 at 4:04 pm #54899StefanieParticipant
I’m in total agreement. It is an addiction. It does take time. Every day gets easier.
But of course easier said then done especially when it is yourself that is going through it.
Don’t think of it as losing. We are the winners cause after we get through this we will be better off.April 16, 2014 at 6:41 pm #54914
It is so nice to hear all your stories and know that I can relate. It hits close to home for me as it is something I am currently struggling with. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. In the beginning, I was young and naive and went against my intuition. I saw the red flags and knew deep down that this was not the man for me. Now, I am 27, have essentially thrown away my twenties for this man, and and struggling with a relationship that is unfufilling to me. What makes it so difficult is the fact that he is a wonderful person who has the sweetest and kindest heart of anyone I have ever known. He loves me more than his own family, and he would never do anything to hurt me, I know this for fact. Yet here I am trying to figure out how to leave him without breaking his heart into pieces. I do think the reason that i have stayed this long is due to being comfortable, scared to change, and the dread of hurting him. He really is my best friend, he knows me and loves me like no one else. The problem is, we are just not right for each other. We want different things in life. He is now mid-thirties, living at home. He has no drive, no sense of purpose, no ambition. He doesn’t like change, he is not open minded, he is controlling and insecure. He wants different things than I want, and lately (like for the past couple of years) I find that I am simply not attracted to him anymore. I see him more as a dear friend or brother whom I love dearly with all of my heart… but not my romantic life partner. Despite all of this, I am still struggling to do what I feel in my heart is right.
I don’t know how to even begin. But the thought of staying another year makes me physically sick. I don’t want to hurt him, yet I know in the long run I am only hurting both of us by staying.
Praying for courage and wisdom, and seeking advice.April 16, 2014 at 8:08 pm #54927TParticipant
Thank you to everyone who has shared their story or given advice! It’s been really comforting to know I’m not alone in this.
I ended up leaving our home tonight. I told him I needed some time and space, and that I was going to stay at my moms. I’ve actually already done this multiple times in the last few months. He of course was extremely angry. He started yelling at me and kicking the coffee table. Honestly, I go to my moms because I feel comforted, loved and safe there. I’m sure it sounds like I’m running away from my problems, but it’s just that I can go there and actually feel at peace.
I explained to him my feelings again.. That I can’t be the only one who is the “glue” keeping us together and functioning. I can’t be the only one who is making the important or emotional decisions, the only who is providing financially, the only who is making an effort to nurture our relationship. And that my heart has just not been 100% invested in us. I don’t think he understands what I mean when I say these things. He just immediately starts yelling “I don’t know what the f*** you want from me!” and tries to manipulate it into being victimized. Every time, I very calmly explain to him that while he has every right to be hurt and angry, my feelings matter and they are important to me. Tonight, he kept saying that I’m a quitter, that I’m quitting on him. Abandoning him. And that by me walking out on him, I am making his life hell. I just simply apologized, gathered a few things and left.
I felt like a terrible person while driving away from the house. But honestly, now that I’m sitting here, writing and reenacting in my mind what happened.. I can’t help but think that I am making the right choice. Everyone in his family has enabled him in so many ways for his entire life. I, myself, have enabled his behaviors for years. I just simply cannot do this anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent. <3April 16, 2014 at 8:44 pm #54939
It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. You have spent a lot of time trying to make it work, and you are certainly not guilty of quitting on him nor do you have anything else to feel guilty about, do not let him make you feel that way. I am struggling with a similar situation right now with my boyfriend, and it is really hard. Every time I think I know what decision is right, I end up second guessing myself. I have been second guessing myself for years, and guess what? Seven years later nothing has changed. I am still unhappy and dissatisfied. The only difference is that now, I am seven years older and I have wasted most of my twenties. I advise you to really try and imagine what your future looks like, with him in the picture, and with him out of the picture. In which scenario are you happy? I advise you to really follow your heart and have no regrets. I know how hard it is from personal experience, but try not to second guess yourself. Three years turns into five, five turns into ten, and before you know it you have lost a huge chunk of your life and have nothing to show for it. Life is too short as it is, do not let fear hold you back from following your intuition. It will hurt temporarily, but it will be well worth it a few years down the road when you have found the love of your life and you are happy and at peace.April 16, 2014 at 8:46 pm #54941
PS- I am really sorry that you are having to go through this right now.
***hugs***April 17, 2014 at 8:45 am #54958AnonymousInactive
I have been following this post and girl, all i can say is: You rock! Life is way too short to not listen to your heart.
Let him grow up already! Maybe this will knock some sense into him. Its his life, he needs to take care of it. Dont let him manipulate you otherwise. You’ve made a good choice. It will feel very confusing and painful now but brave it out. This will indeed help you in the long-run.April 17, 2014 at 8:49 am #54960KellyParticipant
Please don’t anybody think about time spent in a relationship as “wasted”. It was a lesson in what you desire in a relationship and what you can or can’t tolerate. You’ve experienced love, struggle and loss. All these things stay with you as you continue on in life. I sometimes catch myself falling into the trap of “if only”, but I have to believe that every person comes into my life for a reason. It’s not a race. Everything happens in its own time.April 17, 2014 at 10:59 am #54965SuzeParticipant
T, I am so glad you have moved out and moved in with your Mum; my boyfriend says similar things to me when I try and split with him; he can’t believe that he isn’t everything I need; he doesn’t want to hear that we have cracks that are turning into huge chasms. He says he thinks the world of me, he loves me to bits, he can’t see his world without me, why can’t I just see all the good things between us, that he doesn’t worry about us like I worry about us.
I don’t think my time with him has been wasted. I think it has given me the experience to understand what I could have from a relationship which has turned into what I don’t want from a relationship too I know what I may like in a new relationship.
I’ve heard that the news from the hospital isn’t good but I’ve decided not to get anymore upset about this (his dad is a lovely guy) as it’s not my cross to bear and my mental health is much more important.
During the past family visits I would speak to his dad A) because he was a lovely guy and this is where my partner gets his good qualities from and B) so I could zone out from his Mum. She can’t stay quiet for longer than 5 minutes and I only talk when I am interested in the conversation or have something to add.
One thing our mutual friend did say which is so true is that we spend too much time together and we don’t go out separately. What this friend doesn’t truly realise is I have no friends & I have hardly any family contact. I’d love to be able to get out an about doing fun things but I have no-one to do it with. The first few days after we split in March I got internet access at home and I joined a local female friends website but fear got the better of me and I didn’t do anything else apart from join.
I’ll be hoping that you stick with your decision. One of the posts said something along the lines of are you just settling? I know I am and I think you would be, soon like you I will walk away and have o fear and have strong faith and determination for a greater future.May 12, 2014 at 5:12 pm #56180SGParticipant
I am so glad to have found this forum, reading your experiences and challenges reminds me I am not alone and wherever we are in the world there are people/women going through the same struggle.
Ino I’m a month late into this discussion but I hope you’ll read and find words to respond.
I am 3 weeks into a ‘mutual’ split from a challenging and difficult 5 year relationship – Throughout our time together it’s been tough, eventful, painful but love is the glue that held it all together. We’d gone through many rough patches, a few examples being trust issues, breaking up and getting back together, issues with differences, times when we’d broken up and he’d go and get the nearest girl he could find that showed an interest in him. This broke me in two and he knew it. But he was emotionless towards it and selfish. We would get back together and try to work on things – fast forward a year or two, after spending 9 months apart after a horrible break up, I had lost both my grandparents in the space of a month and, I believe, was staying with me out of pity, he broke up with me and three weeks later was sleeping with another cheap girl – this completely broke me, I wondered why someone who loved me completely and ‘saw noone after me’ would do this to me?
I was on anti depressants for a long time, I lost a lot of weight and my confidence (which I’ve never had much on) was completely shattered) But I started again at college, found my feet slowly but surely, and made some wonderful friends.
For some reason we ended up talking again, talking led to meeting up, meeting up led to getting back on an old path we’d both missed and were used to being on, and eventually we decided to give things another shot – this time round I honestly thought he had changed, he was living in another city, he was making more effort, we had grown without each other and time had moved on. A few months in I had found a job in the city he was now living in, I wanted to be closer to him and I wanted to make a life for us, for awhile it worked, I stayed with him when I had work, we regained our love and trust, we enjoyed being in each others company and were building new memories but we slipped back into old issues and habits, we are completely different people (I forgot to add) we come from different family backgrounds, we have different beliefs, different views, everything. But as they say, opposites attract. I began to feel like he didn’t want me around, he would only see me on his terms, he never answered his phone to me, he told me he didn’t want me to live with him it didn’t work, we never went on holiday together because he felt like if we’d spend a length of time together we’d just end up arguing and it would be shit, it felt to me as if he was calling all the shots in our relationship, he was controlling what I did, when I saw him, where I could live and he also put us on a break twice, without any explanation or reasoning.
After being put on a 3 week break, true enough, he ended it. I asked him why he’d carried it on for three weeks when he knew it wasn’t working and he knew he’d end it, he said ‘he didn’t want to make a mistake’ ‘i love you and i want to be with you but it’s not working, after years of trying there comes a time where you have to stop.’ ‘we bring out the worst in each other, it’s going to suck but you’ll be ok, i want you to be happy.’
I was, and still am, completely and utterly devastated and heart broken. For five years this man is all I’ve known, all i’ve wanted. I feel like I tried so hard and all the effort came from me, yet it wasn’t good enough and I’m left to pick up the pieces. I can’t bring myself to move on, I am crying every day, I have lost all motivation and drive for everything. I feel like I don’t know who I am without him and I can’t see myself loving anyone else the way I loved him and I also can’t see anyone loving me the way he loved me. I feel the relationship was very much controlled and he was very selfish.
I don’t know how to get out of this rut I am in and move forward.
I can’t stop thinking about him, I’m replaying everything over in my head, every conversation, every memory, everything that went wrong, I need help, I need advice. Please, I ask for words of wisdom and help.
I’m in a very dark place and can’t see a way out of it – how do I move on? how do I stop thinking about him? I am still in love with him, and can’t see a way out of this.May 14, 2014 at 2:05 am #56248SuzeParticipant
This will sound cruel but I am glad for your sake that he has called it a day. It sounds like he knew he couldn’t love you properly but when you were around he would take advantage of your love for him.
Being in love is addictive and takes away your notion of who you are and what you want. Us girls are brought up on fairy tale romances (Disney, rom-coms) and we all want the happy ever after. It sounds like you put a whole lot of feeling into a frog who would never turn into your prince.
Before this relationship happened, where & what did you want to do with your life? Can you try focusing on what matters to you.
He is not worthy of you holding love feelings for him, 5 years has shown you it’s not gonna work out (unless you want to accept mistreatment).
You are capable of a whole lot of loving and another guy will come along, but don’t rush in (this is how I got into my current possible ‘dead end’ relationship).
Those first 6 months to a year of a relationship make us blind to the potential relationship faults as we are enjoying sharing fun times, cuddles, flirtation.
I’ve just been diagnosed with severe depression and I so want to be out of my black hole but it takes time and learning to be kind to yourself. Replaying conversations and times together won’t help unless you are concreting the thought that he just didn’t love you enough. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but these things happen, 9 years I stayed with the last boyfriend, deep down knowing that I wouldn’t ever truly be happy as I never had any say, the final straw for me was when he wanted a Rottweiler dog and I didn’t (we lived together) because I’ allergic, I’d end up doing all the cleaning up (as he was lazy) and because I was a bit frightened of having a big dog around. He got the dog, I moved out, we saw each other a few times after that but after I’d just end up feeling disgusted with myself for allowing myself to carry on thinking that our love was going to conquer all the problems.
Today, I will write a list of all the things that make me happy, soaking in a bubble bath, being by the sea, painting, etc. Maybe you could try something similar.May 14, 2014 at 3:12 am #56250SGParticipant
Thank you so much for your reply – it was brought me to see the light and help me view things clearer.
The moving on and letting go is the hardest part, as I’m sure you will agree. Learning to love yourself and see the bigger picture is also hard, but I’m definitely finding the help I need on these forums so thank you again.
I really hope you get out of your black hole soon – I too have also gone through severe depression, but as they say ‘time heals all wounds’ which I truly believe does work. It also sounds like you are better out of that toxic relationship and I hope you find happiness and peace within your life.