To start off, I want to clarify that what I’m writing below is in no way comparable to some of the other things people are going through… My crisis is my own but it is also a fragile little critter that fades in comparison to the troubles of other people…

This is my personal issue that I’m having difficulties with… I try my best to smile, be nice, caring but some raging fire has been ignited in me since the start of this year… I’ve changed so much from that innocent, altruistic soul that strived to help people… Now, I don’t know if I can trust people or whether I am worthy of their trust? Recently, there is this one person that I’ve grown to dislike (even despise). Yet, in all my years of my life, I have never been able to admit that I disliked someone truly… In some ways because I was naive, and in some ways because I was always introverted and I didn’t really clash with anybody (I kept to myself mostly). This year, I tried to change that by talking to more people but needless, I keep seeing their flaws? And I keep worrying that I might upset them while on the inside, I’m getting frustrated with them? It’s like all this time, I promised that I would help others because I thought that everyone was so caring and such but I feel so alone… And I don’t think anyone cares about me. I’m really sensitive so I take a lot of tiny expectations to heart (like people not noticing whether I’m feeling okay or not). No one ever asks me if I’m okay when I’m feeling down but I always did try my best to comfort them when I saw their facial expressions were sombre (I have a tendancy to notice these kinds of things). I’ve given up trying to care for other people because they don’t do the same… My parents do care about me but at the same time, there was a period of time when I fought constantly with them… My mom has to have it her way, and now that university is rolling around the corner, she’s shouting at me to choose the career that she wants me to choose when I made it clear that I wasn’t interested. I even compromised and signed up for it but she is not satisfied. I understand that it is for my best interest but… Does she have to get mad at me everytime I’m feeling down? When I had a hard time fitting in at school, I used to come out with a glum face. I understand that she is human too but she would always shout at me, asking why I was like that and why I was so strange… Don’t take it the wrong way, I love her very very much and she is the most caring mother on Earth… There are just instances that are tattooed onto my heart that I simply cannot forget…
I’m pondering whether or not I actually want to help people now… Because some seem so ungrateful, and some seem so greedy. And of course, I am a hypocrit who is also ungrateful and greedy and unkind. I want to be nice to people but I have a tendancy to be mean to people I don’t like (for instance, not replying and such). But I have extreme shyness so I have a hard time breaking out of my shell (like as in, I get anxious asking questions to a teacher that I’ve had for most of the year and that I have seen everyday). So… Back to the topic about that person I really dislike. So, not to try to justify my case here or anything… But I just really straight out don’t like them. Try as I must to be nice to them, whenever I see them, I go back to gladiator mode. I tried giving them the hint to leave me alone but they just don’t get it. Once, they were insecure about something appearance-wise so I told them that I thought they looked fine. They replied coldly with, “I don’t need your opinion”. Okay fine, I became a bit icy after that but I still tried to be nice because I felt horrible everytime I gave them the cold shoulder. The next time, they texted first. And then I texted, and they said, “I don’t feel like talking to you.” and there were a few other instances when that person said things like that to me (etc. Calling me a man when I am a girl). I always ignored the words and I never made fun of them. Today, they told me I was ugly so I glared at them. And then, they had the nerve (although I was pretty sure that I gave the hint that I wanted to be left alone) to come to me when I was with a friend and started accusing me of being mean. Not a single appology. And I look like the bad guy in this whole situation. Though I tried and tried to be at least humane to them, I really can’t hold it any longer. Although I am even sensitive when my friends or family make fun of me, I accept it because they are close. But this guy is in no way a friend or family so I personally don’t see this as acceptable.
The worst thing about this whole thing is that it’s not even a big deal but I’m so furious with myself. I feel like an absolute monster for seeing other people in a worser light and for disliking some of them. I’m always saying that I wouldn’t hurt anybody and that I really want to do things for other people but I’m contradicting myself by having these newfound feelings of despite towards others… I don’t know how to get better… It’s bothering me that I can’t be liked by everybody although I know that it is not possible. At the same time, all of my old friends are drifting away. I’ve known them for a long time but they’re becoming so different and I don’t know how long our friendship can hold up… I’m afraid of this monster…
Lastly, I don’t know if anyone will have read this large hunk of crazy emotions but if you did, I’m very thankful… Please give me some tips on viewing society in a positive light and being a good-hearted person. And also, on being less sensitive.. (You see, I have ghese days when I’m very very happy and days when I’m biting my nails in insecurity. There is no in between… I always regret things that I do when I’m in insecure mode, and I find that I’m too sensitive about other people’s feelings towards me. Like if they don’t reply to me when I’m in insecure mode, I worry about it to no rest, thinking that nobody likes me. People have even commented that I appear very cold on the outside so that doesn’t help with my friendships either?) I would love to work on improving myself if the rest of the world won’t change for me… I have to accept that we’re all humans but that is very hard for me to do.. It’s hard for me to lower my expectations. So please? Give me some tips on acceptance, being nice to others, coping with the inner monster and being overly sensitive about things… Thank you