Home→Forums→Relationships→Want a relationship but i don't like letting people in
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Anonymous.
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August 20, 2017 at 8:14 am #164794
TomParticipantI’ve been wanting a proper relationship since i was 17 (I’ve never had one and i’m now 24) and i’m turning over a new leaf and am trying to have a more positive outlook on things; i was the biggest pessimist you’d ever meet because to me that was the logical and practical thing to do. However because of one shit experience 7 years ago i find that i really struggle letting anyone in, someone has to be a metaphorical battering ram to get anywhere near to my heart, i’ve built up so many barriers and walls over those 7 years that it can be a real struggle for even my closest friend to get through them at times.
Even then i’m scared they’ll leave when they see that at my core i’m a heartbroken (well just broken generally) young guy. Don’t get me wrong i have a huge capacity for romance and love, but i never show it because i’ve learnt that showing emotions just gets you hurt. In fact i think i’ve subconsciously numbed myself to all positive emotion; i don’t smile anymore at least externally
I don’t know what to about this, i do wanna change as i got a glimpse of what i could turn into if i stay like this (strangely it was a mixture of chat with a LD pen pal and watching the live action version of Beauty and the Beast)
August 21, 2017 at 5:08 am #164898
AnonymousGuestDear Tom:
What broke you, what caused you to be a “broken generally) young guy”?
That which broke you, was it the one experience seven years ago, or was it before?
You wrote that you were the ” biggest pessimist you’d ever meet because to me that was the logical and practical thing to do”- how was it logical and practical for you?
anita
August 21, 2017 at 5:30 am #164906TomParticipantMy first love not only rejected me but then proceeded to use me as emotional support when she couldn’t get it her her bf at the time; she let me kiss her with her bf present (which i only realised was basically cheating when a friend told me; even though the guy did ‘apparently’ gave his blessing to do so). Even when i wrote this girl a love letter pouring my heart and soul to her she didn’t even reconsider. (I wasn’t expecting her to fall for me then, but i was at least expecting her to at least consider the prospect of maybe trying something before making the decision she ultimately made which was still a ‘no’)
That was the single thing that broke me. But my brothers suicide did add onto it, but i was already broken by that point (that happened 6 years after the aforementioned incident) To me i’ve dealt with so much crap in my life that i’ve learnt that life isn’t fair and it is never sunshine and rainbows and to believe in otherwise isn’t seeing life for what it is. Thus my reasoning for being pessimistic. Life isn’t a fairytale the more practical response will be crappy as life is basically unfair
August 21, 2017 at 5:53 am #164912AnonymousGuestDear Tom:
I agree: “Life isn’t a fairytale” and “life is basically unfair”. I do understand why you “don’t like letting people in”, being afraid of being hurt yet again. This is why it is crucial to be selective as to whom you consider letting in and to what extent, at any time.
It is not rational to just …let people in, not in this unfair world. You have to learn, over time, who is this person, who is that person. Listen to what they say, ask questions, what do they value? What motivates the person? Is he or she consistent, reliable, dependable (although reasonable imperfect, as all humans are)?
anita
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