Dear miyoid:

You want love and you are afraid of being hurt again. The need for love, for affection is mixed with fear. Fear causes confusion, it is like a fog in the brain. So you have a mixture of the natural need and want of affection, a boyfriend who will express affection for you and you are afraid of him hurting you and you are confused. Am I correct?

“Do I need somebody who shows affection with  behaviors all the time”- no such person exists. But you do need a man who is honest with you and who is affectionate some of the time.

“is that just a thing I have to work on?”- yes, work on alone and in a relationship- most of the work cannot be done alone. You will have to work on it with your partner as a team. Your future partner will have his own problems to work on. The two  of you will help each other learn, identify problems, experiment with different solutions and always treat each other with respect.

“And deciding on people I’ll invest, how should I make my decisions?”- interview this or that man for the position of your future partner, ask them questions (gently, not like a police interrogator) and in a casual tone (not like an employer, perhaps, interviewing potential employees). Ask questions, evaluate the answers you receive and go from there.

You can interview your “kind of ex” as well as the “new person” for the … position of your future partner. Did you ask them questions in the past for the purpose of such interviews? If not and you think it is a good idea, I can help you come up with questions to ask them.

anita