Wants to talk, but she hasn't called…

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    The Poet

    Good evening everyone!

    Earlier this month, a friend of mine from New York told me that my ex supposedly wanted to talk to me to “find peace.” She said that we don’t have to be friends, but she wants to find peace.

    Here’s what happened: about four months ago, in September of last year, she broke up with me via text. (We were in a long distance relationship since June of 2013. We both met in college in New York, but I temporarily moved to Boston.) Prior to the break-up, we always argued because either her mother was too much of a fuss (she’s a religious fanatic–a Catholic–and I don’t really believe), and my ex-girlfriend forever worried about us ending; so much so, that I was always miserable and was forever sad because that “fear” never seemed to have stepped aside for a minute of our days as a couple.

    Moving forward to the break-up period: she basically got all of my “friends” from her school to go against me and now nobody speaks to me from there. Before that all occurred, the night before, her mother basically influenced my ex to leave me because I was not worth it.My ex started calling me a mama’s boy because I wanted my mother’s advice and I put her first (all rational children put their parents first), and I was basically a waste to her. She started acting very sanctimonious, or self-righteous, discounting me as a guy who can’t get better than her.

    My friend, who graduated from that college and knows how they all are, told me not to not worry about them, which I haven’t. However, when she told me that my ex wanted to speak to me but is afraid that I’d get “angry” and say “mean things,” I feel as though she’s using that as an excuse to take advantage of my sensitivity and have me approach her to feel empowered and her perceiving me as the weak ex-boyfriend who can’t live without her.

    I’d love to have some opinions from the members of this site. This is my first post, and I’m hoping to get fresh perspectives on how to get past this situation. I can do so much better, but I knew how to love–and I’m afraid that she, on the other hand, did not love me.

    Does she want me back? Is she using my friend as a liaison to make me think that she wants me back? Is she manipulating me?

    Help! Please and thank you all!


    Hey poet

    In my opinion, I think u shud just stay and watch.. By ur sayings, it seems tat ur ex is manipulative and she MIGHT be playing with u.
    If she really wants to talk to u, she should call u, not the other way around. At the most, u can ask ur friend to tell ur ex tat u won’t be angry by her calling u( if u really won’t be angry). If she calls, u will get to know what she wants..
    So I think, u shouldn’t call ur ex..
    All the best

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by smit.

    Hi poet,

    Many times an ex will want to talk to you to get “Closure”.

    Closure, though, is an inside job. You can’t give her closure. She can’t give you closure. It’s something you can only give yourself.

    Don’t see her.

    It’s a trap,



    Dear poet,

    First and foremost, kudos to you for staying so positive and strong while in the midst of healing or even coming to terms with fear. So anyway, here’s my two cents worth. Hope it does shed some light for you.

    From your information that you have shared, I sensed two very distinctive features from your ex. First would be insecurity and second would be taking for granted.

    Insecurity–from all the things that she has done(taking your friends away, calling you names, fear of relationship would end…) all these, are evidence to her insecurities. She is unable to love unless she gives herself a chance to do so. Sometimes, people have to learn it the hard way because I believe you have tried to help her grow but matters would not gain any ground if the self is unwilling.

    Taking for granted–well, due to the fact that she couldn’t see the issue is with her, whatever good that people do is often seen as she deserves all of those goodness. Thus, she might feel that you should do what you were doing for her.

    Hence, my question to you is this: When she appears in your mind, what is the first thing that you see and feel? That will guide you to your subconscious(which to me, is “the inner voice”). Listen to it. It never lies. Sometimes we just choose not to hear it. After which, you will have the answer to your doubts. 🙂

    I’d be praying for you, Poet. Just listen. 🙂

    The Poet

    Smit Jain, Inky, & Este,

    Thank you all for your opinions. I have held ground and I won’t even bother calling or texting.

    I have been working out a lot and writing (I write a lot of poetry, hence the name, hehe).

    Este, to answer your question: she’s pretty, but she’s not drop-dead gorgeous. I’m 6’0″; she’s 4’11”. I do have physical standards she’ll never meet, but I forgave all of that because I believed that her and I would go somewhere. However, a lot of the negative comes to mind. We barely had good days. Whenever she was happy, it was like she was a manic or just high off some massive dose of oxytocin. Other days (which were the majority) she’d be moody, paranoid, and just downright sad. It annoyed me later on in the relationship because I held in the sadness and frustration because I felt impotent and helpless. Finally, I snapped…

    When she left me, I felt relief and a sense of freedom. Why was I sad when my friend told me that my ex wanted to speak to me? Because I actually cared. I actually grew to love her. But she did take me for granted. When I become an attorney in NY and she hears about me, she’ll know then what she’s missing out on.

    I can fly again. That’s what comes to mind.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by The Poet.

    If your description of her behavior is accurate, has anyone considered she could be bipolar? Years ago, I was involved with a man who turned out to be borderline; relationships with those with a personality disorder is VERY challenging and sometimes just not worth it. BTW, I’d watch the “she’ll know then what she’s missing out on”; sounds like you haven’t really gotten closure yourself.

    The Poet

    Hey Katlyne!

    Unfortunately, her mother does not believe in therapy. They’ve never gone to any kind of therapy, so she’s never been given any kind of psychological evaluation. I offered to go with her, but that didn’t seem good enough.

    As for me, I have yet to fully grasp closure because I still love her. She will know what she’s missing out on because out of the many men in her past who have done her really wrong, I was the only who actually tried to put her first. I made a great move by handling all the bullshit all relationships go through here and there.

    Closure will come. But I don’t think I’ll get it if I ever talk to her.


    Poet, yeah, I know it can be hard to just switch off our feelings, even when the relationship isn’t healthy. I’m sure you know that the ONLY person whose behavior you are (or can be) responsible for, or in control of, is your own. Of course, that’s easy to say, much harder to put into practice. We tend to want others to act the way we want them to, and continue to do this even in the face of contrary evidence (they never acted that way, and we have no reason to believe they ever will). Expectations…sigh…can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.

    I agree that you probably wouldn’t benefit from speaking with her. Perhaps she feels that you are (too successfully) moving on and wants to re-establish the hook…not that she “wants” you, but she wants the attention, the feeling that you “can’t live without her.” The best thing you could do is to demonstrate that you have moved on and can live without her–not to try and get back with her, but to truly move on. Hey, I still love some people that I no longer see or hang out with, but I’m not hooked into their bu**sh*t anymore.

    The Poet


    I’ll do exactly that. Thank you!

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by The Poet.
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