My bf and I are in a very high desire relationship. Despite us still being virgins, I’m always very much wanting to be pleaured and he’s the one who’s usually more reserved and hesitant. He’s always been really respectful of me and we even have a safe word in place that he came up with. We use that word in place of no. As soon as the word comes from our mouth, we stop, both of us. I’m a past SA survivor, no penetration or anything, just some nonconsenual touching from a same age family member when I was 13. We’ve established we use our safe word instead of no because in the heat of the moment, no can be misheard. Our safe word is funky enough in which it can’t be misinterpreted.

He has autism and thus, our safe word is what we always use in every sexual encounter. He’s already told me that he’s not ready to have sex yet, so we’ve been doing fingering and handjobs solely.

Anyway, we’d been wanting to get sexual for an entire day, but since we’re at my house and I have siblings, it’d be too hard. As luck would have it, my siblings ended up having an activity and that meant we’d have the house to ourselves. We immediately agreed that we wanted time to get sexual and he said he’d do me and not to worry about him. I told him I was gonna get a shower and we’d do it as soon as I got out.

Anyway, I ended up finding out that I’d have a therapy appointment and told him that I wouldn’t have time. He told me to get on the couch and I said we probaly wouldn’t have time. I said that I didn’t want to while I stank. He told me to follow him upstairs and I listened, knowing what he was implying. He said he wanted to pleasure me and I said I felt embarrassed because I smelled bad and I didn’t want him to think I stunk. He said he didn’t mind my smell, that he loved it in fact, and I began to become self conscious because I didn’t want him to gag, but he said it was ok and to follow him.

I listened and followed him into my room and he told me to go on my beanbag so we could get started and I said ok. He said that despite my self consciousness, I didn’t seem to be fighting my desire and I said I wouldn’t fight it or him, that I just felt stinky. He began to grind against me and I asked him if he were sure, that he was ok with my smell and he told me to stop asking questions and worry about how I was feeling.

I told him, jokingly and smiling, that no means no, and he stopped and began to pull away, teasingly said “he guess would he stop if that was what I wanted”, and began to sit up, but I pulled him back, also joking. I wanted the reassurance that he was listening to me. I told him I wanted it and he continued. He asked me during if I wanted more and I said yes once more. Once I was done, he cleaned me up and I got in the shower, but felt shaky. I told him I felt weird about what happened and he apologized. He said he didn’t want my self consciousness about my body to get in the way of my pleasure, and he apologized once again for not understanding. He said with me and hugged me and kept asking if I was ok. He said that he never wants me to feel embarrassed or that I can’t say no. He said he wants me to be confident in my body and not embarrassed on what he thinks.

TLDR: My bf and I had a sexual encounter that I was unsure about given my smell. I wanted to get sexual, but I felt that I stunk, so I was hesitant, but my bf said he loved my smell and wanted to pleasure me. I’m feeling conflicted about my feelings and how to communicate with him, and even shaky.