I’m cynical and “experienced” enough to know the internet is rarely a place to throw open your heart and let complete strangers take a look at all the madness that’s going on inside it … But I also know that with anonymity comes the unique opportunity to solicit opinion and seek a different perspective without worrying about it all coming back to bite you in the real world. With that said, I’ve been twisted in all manner of directions lately and it’s not something I think I can “solve” – if it can even be solved – on my own.

I don’t have any real reason for why I’ve been a bit unlucky with relationships in my life. Yes, I’m reserved and very guarded (a little like my dad) and I’ve made what has turned out to be some very poor choices in love (who hasn’t, right?). I went through a bit of a torrid time with bullying in my youth, but I know a lot of people have had it worse than me, so that shouldn’t really be an excuse. I also had a weight problem that meant I spent a very large percentage of my adult life out of shape and very unfit. I know all these things have combined to produce in me a number of character flaws that make it very difficult for me to trust, in a romantic context.

I’ve been single for seven years (in January), since my last ladyfriend cheated on me unfortunately. It’s happened before, but those are all in the distant past so shouldn’t be such an issue. In that time I’ve watched good friends get together, get engaged, get married and buy houses. I saw strangers get together, and fall apart and repeat that cycle. As the years passed by (too fast, as they tend to do) I felt like I was missing out but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t find that special lady.

I know you’re reading this without context – what kind of person am I? What are my drives? And I know that makes it hard to understand this and differentiate it from any other “Woe is me, where is love?” So you can only take me at face value when I describe myself as “The go-to guy”; the World’s Greatest Wingman, etc. I don’t trust easily but when I do, I will do anything to help you. I think every woman knows that kind of guy, the one they describe like this: “Oh, he’s lovely. So trustworthy. So reliable, etc.”

That never unduly bothered me, because like I say over the last seven years I’ve built my fortress very high upon the rocks and hidden behind the walls. I can’t say anyone’s tried to “get-in”, but equally, I haven’t really allowed myself to imagine anyone would, or could.

So what have we got? Someone who’s been a bit unlucky with love, has had a few hard bruises and has become a bit tougher and reticent on account. What does any of this mean?

So fast forward to about a year ago, when to accomplish a life-long dream of joining the military, I shed 35% of my bodyweight, got fit and got in. Halfway through my training I get to know a girl who over the course of this last year has ended up being one of those “One-in-a-million” types. We share a lot of common interests, she is absolutely wonderful and I could wax lyrical for paragraphs about all the positives she embodies. I won’t; let’s just say that she’s confirmed I’ve been telling myself a seven year-long lie. I said I didn’t need anyone, wouldn’t let anyone in.

Maybe it’s because hope never dies no matter how much you starve it, and maybe it’s because she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe both. Either way, she’s inside the fortress.

I can’t get across in words how hard it’s been to let her in. I can help people, but I can’t let people help me. I am so perpetually ready to be disappointed, or cast aside, that I built all my reactions to romance around the idea of not letting it happen.

So, there’s the context you need … Except there is of course one more piece of the puzzle. She has a partner.

Life in the military is such that you can spend a long period of time away from your loved ones. I don’t want to delve too deeply into her life here because it’s not her problem, it’s mine. Sufficed to say that they’ve been together a long time, and there are signs that he’s begun to take her for granted, and assumed she’ll always be there for him. It’s also her first serious relationship, so she has never known anything or anyone else.

Anyway, we’ve spent increasing amounts of time together and we’ve grown closer. I’ve gone from encouraging her to improve her own fitness and competing against her in athletics, to arranging trips to see interesting places and helping her with her hobbies. Essentially, I’ve almost taken on the surrogacy of her partner by doing the things he can’t – or won’t.

I want to make it clear that it remains a friendship, and nothing more. She often uses me as a sounding board about prospective problems or issues with her relationship, and I would never – and I mean ever – do anything to risk this friendship because firstly, I very much like her and secondly, I would never inflict on her partner what’s been inflicted on me twice.

So that takes us to the present. If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. At this point, I’m not even sure what I’m asking advice for.

Truthfully, I know what I want to do. I want to cut her off; I want to stop speaking to her and I want her to go away so that I don’t need to deal with this. I can’t think of a more perfect torture for me, personally, than having met someone who somehow gets past my defences, ingratiates herself into my heart whilst being unobtainable.

I can’t cut her off though, can I? I think this whole rant suggests I can’t. So what am I asking advice on? I don’t know. Genuinely, am I just a cynical nearly-thirty-year-old who enjoys torturing himself on some bizarre level?

She’s not going to be mine, but that spark of hope that she could somehow one day is absolutely killing me. I want to get rid of her, but I can’t. I absolutely cannot, will not ever make my feelings known because I will not do to her partner what has been done to me. I’d rather suffer than inflict suffering on someone else like that.

I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. In a juvenile way, I just want it to go away.

And so ends my anonymous, sorry tale. If you made it to the end of this, I truly thank you because I barely did so myself.