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What Am I now?

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  • #367523
    Vaishh
    Participant

    Trigger warning: Rape, sexual and physical abuse. I don’t know where I need to start. I posted on this site for the first time, 2 years back. I tried looking for it, but it’s gone now. I’m 19 now. I’ve come a long way, from these two years, a lot of things had hurt me, a lot of things changed me, a lot of things made me stronger, but still there a lot of things that haunt me till date.
    All the life changing things started happening to me when I was a high school kid; there is this one factor that always restricts me in my life. My parents. They are really strict and would always hit me, my dad is physically, mentally and verbally abusive. They always hit me for the tiniest mistake and are highly restrictive. And I never had privacy when I live with my parents.

    All the things that made me for what I am now, started when I was in last 2 years of high school. I had a ‘friend’ who sexually harassed me for a few months, and secretly hated me(she later revealed this to me). I was this one girl in the school, who guys thought that I was ‘easy’. I always hate unwanted attention, for the introvert I am, especially, the one from men. I used to date a guy, and we were just this on and off thing, but he was a bit more clingy and insecure about me. Eventually, we broke up once we graduated high school.

    One of my schoolmates raped me almost every 2 days for nearly a year. At a point, I got pregnant and went to the guy and told him about it, I got hit brutally and was abandoned. All the mental pain caused a miscarriage, though I did not want to have the kid, it caused a huge impact on me. A lot of threatening and blackmailing happened to me in the mean time. I had no one to tell what I was going through. I endured the mental pain, by myself. I shifted to a new city for my college, wanting to start afresh, but all of the pain weighed me down in the beginning, though I never showed that out. I always listened to my favourite artists when I feel all the pain and that kept me strong and made me want to move forward in life.

     

    Things changed, when I met this one senior in my college. He listened to me rant for weeks together, calls me cute and says that he likes me. We do have sex once in a while, but only when I had consensual sex for the first time in my life, I realized that I felt disassociated from my body and I hadn’t gotten over the fact that I was raped. I realized that I can’t consciously touch myself and fear that my body doesn’t belong to me. I feel like I’m a nobody, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, i get hit by this sudden wave of fear and i cry a lot, I fear being touched. He understands most of this, but we’ve been together for a while now and I’ve got comfortable being touched by him, I feel safe around him, but these waves of fear hit me often and I randomly burst into tears. I used to tell him about that, but, now I feel like I’ve been hanging on to it for a while or he might get frustrated and feel done about talking about the same thing for months. I love him now, but he told me that, he wanted to have sex with other women too, since we live in a distance now during COVID-19, my parents won’t support me dating anyone, so my relationship is a secret, and we have different ranges of sex drive. My sex drive has been really low, and he is just the opposite.

     

    We talked about this and we decided that we will be okay with he having sex with other women. I don’t tell him about how I feel about it, but, I am okay with his decision. I feel jealous, I feel lonely, I feel unloved and I feel like something is wrong about me, and I lack something and that’s why he goes to other women. I really wish I could tell him how I feel. But, I don’t want to be clingy and annoying. I feel like I’ve been a burden to him by ranting to him always, and being stuck on to the past. I’m really trying, but those sudden strike of fear and bodily disassociation still hits me hard. I cry helplessly, wanting to be protected, wanting to feel safe. Since that we have decided in this, I’ve realized that I’ve been mentally distancing myself from him, because I don’t want to hurt myself by being attached to him emotionally. We say that we love eachother, but that isn’t too often.

    What do I need to do to feel less away from my body? I feel like I don’t belong to my body and I have no right or control over my body. I’ve been depressed for a while now. I’ve been told by my doctor and a few other acquaintances that I might be depressed. But, I feel like this is something beyond depression;maybe I do have depression, but this is something more. I have body image issues too. I know that this isn’t the same, but what am I?

     

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    #367581
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vaishh:

    You shared that your father “is physically, mentally and verbally abusive”, that your parents often hit you, “for the tiniest mistake”, that they restrict you a lot and didn’t allow you any privacy when you lived with them. Currently, you are 19 and they (still) do not agree that you date anyone.

    In the last 2 years of high school a “friend” sexually  harassed you for a few months, and one of your schoolmates raped you “almost every 2 days for nearly a year”. You got pregnant, told him about it, he hit you brutally, causing you to miscarry, and he threatened and blackmailed you.

    For college, you moved to a new city, “to start afresh”. In college you met a senior, he listened to you “rant for weeks”, called you cute and said that he likes you. With him, you had “consensual sex for the first time” in your life. During that experience you felt disassociated from your body: “I felt disassociated from my body… fear that my body doesn’t belong to me.. like I’m a nobody.. like I don’t belong anywhere… like I don’t belong to my body and I have no right or control over my body”.

    Even though you fear being touched, you got comfortable and feel safe being touched by him. You “love him now”, and sometimes you tell him that you love him, and he tells you that he loves you. Because of Covid-19,  the two of you live a distance from each other, your relationship with him is a secret because of your parents’ disapproval, so you don’t have as much sex with him as he wants to have with you. Therefore, he told you that he wants to have sex with other women.

    As a response to him wanting to have sex with other women, you feel jealous, lonely, unloved, and “like something is wrong about” you. You don’t want to tell him how you feel so to not be annoying, and to not burden him. Those “sudden strike of fear and bodily disassociation still” hit you hard, and you “cry helplessly, wanting to be protected, wanting to feel safe”.

    You asked: “What do I need to do to feel less away from my body?… what am I?”

    My thoughts/ my feelings: a little girl is born to belong, born to be loved, born to be respected. The girl needs gentle hands to feed her, to clothe her, to brush her hair, to touch her forehead gently, to touch her gently with the unspoken-but-felt message: you are precious, we respect you, we know that you are important, and we value you; we are here to love you, you are safe with us.

    What happens when the girl is touched instead harshly, with hands inflicting pain, with hands delivering a different message: we don’t like you, we don’t want you, we hate you, you are of no  value to  us.

    What happens is that the little girl believes the message delivered by the harsh hands. She then looks at her beaten body and says to herself: I don’t like me either, I don’t like this body. I don’t want this body. I hate this body, it is of no value.

    Next, this girl grows up and she notices that boys are interested in her body, they want her body. She wants to be liked, so she lets them use her body. She found out that to the boys/ men, her body has value: it gets them excited, their excitement builds up, they then get a relief and they feel so much better. So she lets them. She gets a little bit of what feels like a much needed loving attention (she feels their touch and it doesn’t hurt, different from her parents’ touch).

    Her parents are strict, they don’t want her to date.. if they only knew that she was having sex, what would they say, what would they do.. she feels shame and fear. She doesn’t understand. She feels like a freak, like something is so very wrong with her.

    How strong is the will to live, that a girl hated by the people she needed to love her.. her body being hurt by hands supposed to love her.. her body being used by men who need to be sexually served… this girl, as separated from her body as can be, still wants to live, and to love. She still wants a piece of a good life.

    And she can have a piece of a good life, love and safety. She already had moments of it, she can grow those moments to months and years, but it will take time and work. Life is incredible this way, how a girl born into misery can survive and with ongoing healing, she can thrive.

    * The current man in your life, he is not the one for you. He is better than others you had in your life, but he is not good enough for you.

    If you want to, let me know what you think of my response, and we can communicate further.

    anita

     

     

     

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