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What Can I do when I've trust issue with her?

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  • #144825
    Sakib Hasan
    Participant

    We are in a relationship for 9 months. Everything between us was going completely fine from the very beginning. We’ve shared some great moments, dreams together. I didn’t find any troubling behavior from her except her addiction to the social media. This always made me uncomfortable. I was telling her almost everyday that, please come forward, put away the phone from your hand, take a look at the real world around you, try to enjoy the real life, real friends. I didn’t ask her to stop all of her social media activity, I just asked for a limited, controlled activity in social media.

    But things begun worse when I found out that, at the very midnight, while I was talking with her over phone (we have long distance relationship) she actually  was in  her FB account and surfing the news feed, chatting with others. I felt ignored, told her not to do the same again. Without any anger, very gently. But she did it over and over again. So I sat with her, discussed the matters deeply and  knew from her that there is a guy in her friend list who proposed her to marry him. After knowing that, I told her not to get close anymore with that guy as she is committed with me. At first she refused and told me she wanted to maintain friendship with him. Later I observed that the intention of that guy to her didn’t change a bit. So I asked her strongly to avoid that guy. She promised and after a month of her promise I found she actually broke the promise and continue the chatting. I broke into anger, felt insulted, felt broken. After seeing my reaction, she promised again the same and you know what broke it after the very next day. I know it again after weeks, told her, why???? I cried, I felt completely broken, the feeling was like she insulted all of my love, care, dreams, everything!! Then she told me to calm down, told that she understood her mistakes and promised for the third time that it won’t happen again.

    After a month, two days ago, I found that she is in touch with that person, still, after all of those promises! And you know, the person still wants her as his GF/Mate. She is now telling that, what massive wrong she did? She just talked a little bit with him, it’s not a crime! I said, yeah! But you promised again and again not to do that “little bit of talk”. She said, I didn’t gave him the place where you are in my mind. I wasn’t in a relationship with him.

    I know, I know she wasn’t in a relationship. But, didn’t she saw that actually I couldn’t take that persons intention to her? Didn’t she found that I was actually hurt? If the love was worth didn’t she put that person away for the sake of my tears? It wasn’t a domination. I never force her to stop spending time with friends n’ family. I just want her to stop making contacts with those person who’s intention is to make her their partner/gf. Did I do anything wrong by that?

    Now, again she is telling me that she did wrong and want to make promise that she won’t make contact with him. But honestly, I’m broken, my trust is broken. how can I be ensured that she won’t do the same? She won’t broke the trust? She won’t hurt me again by same behavior?

    I’m going down. It feels like I’m breathing but I’m not alive. Please tell me what can I do now? forgive her? I don’t know. Help me please!!

    #144905
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sakib Hasan:

    In your first paragraph, you wrote: “I didn’t find any troubling behavior from her except her addiction to the social media”-

    Well, now you did find troubling behavior from her, other than her addiction to social media:

    – she makes promises and doesn’t keep them.

    – she makes promises she doesn’t intend to keep. How do I know that? Because after breaking her promise, she told you that she “just talked a little bit with him, it’s not a crime!”- meaning she didn’t intend to keep her promise to begin with.

    – she is aware that she hurt your feelings, and she continues to do so.

    Now that you know, what do you believe is the right thing for you to do?

    anita

     

    #144929
    anjum niklo
    Participant

    Hi sakib

    I had a compulsion to reply to your problem.

    Because I went through similar situation except I was at your girlfriend’s place.

    My boyfriend is very loving and a one woman  man . He doesn’t like social media and doesn’t have many female friends. The old classmates etc are there but they are not in any special touch . They only exchange wishes when they meet .

    And he hardly like post ,pics on social media and comments except mine. He has been always like this from start.

    But I’m on other hand is very out going  having lots of male friends as well as female . Constantly on social media.  Sometime chat with people when I know their intention that they like me and wants me as there mate . But of course I don’t reciprocate to their feelings and have not cheated him and I have no intention of doing so because I really love my boyfriend.

    I’m like this because it’s my nature . I have a world apart from him. It’s my indivaulity  .I’ve been always like this before I met him  and no matter how much try I can’t change drastically for him or anyone. But with him it’s different  I love him and I don’t love anyone else  .

    See if she is not happy with you and wants to leave you for any guy she will leave in any case.  You can’t stop her by telling her not to chat with guys . She will find a way to go out from your life. But if she wants to be with you trust me no matter how loose you let her she will  never go anywhere .

    I can give you few reasons why Im like the way I’m

    1.ive been very social, extrovert ,outgoing and got lots of attention since teenager .so May be I’m use to it . But this doesn’t make me a cheater or something  else

    2. I missed this connection of chatting and sending meme ,troll , tagging  on social media with my boyfriend . I told you already he doesnt use social media much.  And this is such a time where social media is very much part of your life . when i do  it with all my friend I feel like doing it with him also but he isn’t available so I just brush aside my feelings and do it with others .

    May be if she was present in on social media like I’m I would have been busy with him and would be left no time to chat with any other.

    3. She can be bit insecure And this is the case with me too . Though I know he loves me a lot but insecurity can stem from very subtle issue and can be very deep.  Like she might be insecure you guys won’t be together after  few years etc or like anything can happen to relationship.  So its her defence mechanisms to prove that she is not alone and she won’t be vulnerable.

     

    End I would like to tell you …if you really love her . Just let her know what bothers you and don’t give her ultimatum or think of breaking up etc because it will be like forcing her to stay with you . She she really  loves you she will never go anywhee and do anything Beyond her limits.

    I know this because I would never do

     

    #145125
    Mia
    Participant

     

    I also felt inclined to imply to this as a few weeks ago I ended a relationship with a man who I didn’t feel respected or loved by as a result of his behaviour, which in some ways is similar to what you describe of your girlfriend. I can say that although things aren’t all rosy now I certainly feel much more empowered in my life for making the decision to love and respect my own needs by choosing to leave. Similarly, I felt dead on the inside after months of staying with him as my self-esteem continued to plummet.

    I tried to be loving, supportive, fun, exciting and all the rest while telling him calmly what bothered me. I knew that I couldn’t change his actions but hoped that he might. It just becomes exhausting after a while and giving up on that relationship has relieved me from so much daily anxiety and heartache.

    I believe it’s important not to let insecurity get the better of us by creating problems that aren’t there, but I also feel like it’s important to value your own intuition as clearly there is a reason why you can’t trust her- perhaps that she keeps making you promises that she continues to break.

    I know its agonising and as cliqued as it sounds nothing lasts, you will be happy and free again no matter how dark things feel at the moment. Sending you lots of strength and good vibes <3

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