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What can possibly be going on in here? ADVICE!

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • #123677

    alexa05
    Participant

    About a year and a half ago to two years ago, my boyfriend who is 36 asked me (28) to do him a favor and to please call a female ”friend” to give her an address (which I looked up and it happened to be of a lawyer as far as I can remember). He wanted ME to do it because the womans husband is violent,and jealous even of his own shadow,basically it seemed to me that this woman in in some sort of abusive or toxic relationship she has 2 children with this man, and supposedly this man has even been in jail in the past, so my bf wanted me to do him the favor of calling her, Just in case the husband picked up the phone out of rage, that way he would think I was just her friend, and would not put her in any danger,,, this man has called my boyfriend at midnight to tell him to not engage in conversations with his wife. and also smashed his wife’s computer for talking to much on Facebook.

    So yesterday, after almost 2 years he mentions me this women AGAIN!! and the fact that now she is contacting him because she has ”suicidal” thoughts that she can handle it anymore because she is not happy, so he was emailing her back trying to talk her out of it,and told me that she is a long time friend and he is concerned of her doing something crazy or wanting to kill herself, But I don’t know what can possibly be going on here that after almost 2 years he mentions me this women again!!! I am very suspicious whether this can be a lover, an ex,What do you think can be happening?I don’t want to be played. gives me a weird vibe.

    #123689

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    I would be suspicious too. Reads to me like he has been in contact with this woman for a long time, maybe regularly, maybe on and off. It could be an ex, it could be a present lover, on and off, or regularly. It could be a non- physical relationship. There are possibilities.

    To explore further and get to the truth (would be my aim)- did you ask him about his relationship with this woman? What was his answer or answers throughout time (what was his answer two years ago and what was his answer recently)? Any clues to what it might be taken from his behavior, talk through the years…? Also, how long have you been gf/bf and did he tell you about his past romantic involvements

    anita

    #123704

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita, well we have been together for almost 3 years, and I first heard of this women basically at the beginning of our relationship like 2 months in, and according to him from two years ago and recently as well, she is just a friend from sometime ago and he knows her family and so on, the problem is this women does not live here where we live, she lives in the states I believe in New York, him and I met studying abroad in the Caribbean so right Now my boyfriend and me are here in the Caribbean and she is in new York,BUT she happens to be from here originally as well,SO in my mind I don’t know why I have a slight feeling this girl is an ex girlfriend and perhaps she left to the states when she broke up with him but at the same time how long was it from this speculation am having because she has 2 children with her husband, I just don’t like this sounds weird.maybe i’m just insecure.

    #123708

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    Well, the possibility that she is a current lover is out. She lives too far away to make that possible. Her having two children with her husband, also makes it evident (unless she travelled to the Caribbean without her husband), that if they were bf/ gf that was many years ago (as many years as the age of her oldest child)

    You are wondering if she used to be his girlfriend and if he still has those kinds of feelings for her, and if he communicates such to her- wondering if it is an online affair, correct? Seems to me like the only possibility to warrant a reasonable concern on your part.

    Any evidence for such? Is there a lack of closeness between you and your boyfriend that makes you feel not confident in his love and loyalty to you?

    anita

    #123738

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita, Yes exactly, well we don’t see each other very often just once a week, due to the fact that he studies medicine and it was time consuming, I say ”was” because he graduates soon,and I admit my relationship with him has been not been very common in the terms of how we have handled it , especially since I recognize that I have not taken all the action that I am supposed to make as a girlfriend in the relationship itself, basically believing that the man always has to make the initiative and so on, so yeah Ive refrained back from expressing myself to him many times(just swallowing my feelings which I know is horrible for health and emotions) and maybe due to all of this go with the flow behaviour that I have carried I have develop major insecurity or doubts. The reason I am asking this is because I need to find real answers regarding this situation, cause I don’t want to waste more years being in a relationship in which maybe (speculating) played with and god knows what else.

    #123760

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    Do I understand correctly: you have trouble asserting yourself in this relationship, you are not an equal party to it/ You’ve been passively waiting for him to make the relationship what it should be. But the relationship is not what it should be. It is wrong.

    But you are not sure what is wrong about it, so you are suspecting that maybe it is that woman in the other country.

    Something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is (or do you?). The woman, maybe, “and god knows what else.”

    If I am correct, then my advice is communicate effectively with him. What has been the nature of your communication so far? I may be able to help you to ask the questions that will get you the answers to:
    WHAT is wrong?

    anita

    #123805

    alexa05
    Participant

    Ok my boyfriend has what it is considered to be a ”personality disorder”called ADHD I don’t know if this has something to do with any of this, but most of the TIMES is difficult to have a serious talk/conversation with him ,he has attention and concentration issues, so its difficult to maintain a conversation without him getting impulsive or bored, and it frustrates me, so I have to know what questions to ask without him perhaps getting irritable. So I Would really appreciate if you would help me to ask smart questions to get the right answers.

    #123810

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    Since he suffers from ADHD, it may be a good idea to ask him questions in a written form, on paper or in an email. This way he can read any part of the question/s, take a break, return to it when he is calmer (his ability to focus and concentrate changes, not always the same). Then he can respond to you, in writing, part by part, taking breaks.

    But questions need to be asked and answers need to be given. Both ways.

    He studies medicine- that takes concentration- maybe the nature of a relationship irritates him and that decreases his ability to concentrate.

    To proceed- can you describe what topics/ tone of voice you used before/ delivery of topic- caused him irritation, impatience, impulsivity-

    and what kinds of topics/ delivery of topic (your tone of voice, emotion… time of the day, etc.) – brought about calm and patience on his part?

    anita

    #123839

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita, well I think when I ask him something being irritated myself or in a defensive mode, he gets agitated/defensive or wont give me open ended answer and explanation, instead he will say no o yes or change topic.I don’t know why is so difficult to communicate with ADHDers. when I am calmed and more like sweet I feel I get him to act more normal.

    By the way what I was trying to say in one of the other post’s was that maybe he has an”emotional affair”but I don’t have enough proof, there has to be a way for me to know.

    #123841

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita, well I think when I ask him something being irritated myself or in a defensive mode, he gets agitated/defensive or wont give me open ended answer and explanation, instead he will say no o yes or change topic.I don’t know why is so difficult to communicate with ADHDers. when I am calmed and more like sweet I feel I get him to act more normal.

    By the way what I was trying to say in one of the other post’s was that maybe he has an”emotional affair”but I don’t have enough proof, there has to be a way for me to know. and what bothers me is the fact that this is not something that happened the other days, I knew about this situation with that women since the beginning of our relationship when he asked me to do the favor of calling her, like I said above like 2 months in, so this is something that is not new perhaps he has years communicating with this woman that he calls a ”friend”.

    #123843

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    Clearly, from your own experience with him, if you want an answer from him, your only chance of getting one is if you ask , your question calmly, not in anger/ irritation, not with a tone of accusation.

    You wrote: “When I am calm… I get him to act more normal”- then ask him calmly.

    I assume you already asked him about that woman repeatedly and he said she was only a friend and when he asked again he just said “yes” or “no” and was upset, correct?

    If you put aside for a moment, the issue with the woman online, the possible “emotional affair” you suggested, how is your relationship with him? Was it a good relationship at one point and then it deteriorated?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #124030

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita Our relationship has not really deteriorated in the sense of the word, he has always been the same way (I remember at the beginning of our relationship I felt something was off with him,I felt like he had some type of personality disorder or some weird behavioural thing going on, and well,I was RIGHT! that IT thing that I kept looking for in him ,that I found weird is called: ADHD, and also since he studies medicine all the stress and studying for exams I feel has taken a toll on his behaviour. he is hyperfocus on that.

    But the time I asked him about who is that woman, if she was a friend? and so on, he explained in a normal manner that she is a friend from sometime ago and that he happens to know her family and that he Adviced her to go to her sisters house and all that stuff but he never said ”yes or ”no in an upset or angry tone. just in a normal tone.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  alexa05.
    #124039

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    My guess is your boyfriend is too… ADHD (which is not, by the way, a personality disorder) to carry on an emotional affair with any woman online or on the phone. I understand that he is hardly available to the in-person relationship with you!

    In three years, reads to me, like you hardly know him, other than him being some kind of a weird ADHD mess… like what does he value? What does he feel passionately about? What scares him? what motivates him, etc.?

    Upon his graduation from medical school, will he be working as an MD?

    anita

    #124061

    alexa05
    Participant

    @anita, Exactly, that’s how I feel like I just know the weird ADHD non expressive persona, but not the real him, its either his career he talks about most of the time, or just some weird behaviour due to his ADHD, yeah well first he has to apply and do interviews to see which hospital chooses him and then well he will go to that hospital and do 3 years of residency, I am not very aware of this medical process, and what are the steps exactly but I know its like a journey. this is also something that has created a lot of emotional Inestability in me, I always ask myself what’s going to happen with us when he graduates now in February, we have not talked SERIOUSLY about the future and it makes me feel with: doubts, lots of insecurity,emotional ups and downs,anxiety attacks and so on, all of this unanswered questions are really taking a big toll on me and I can clearly feel it.

    I need to put an end to all of this or else its just going to get worse, I know I sound dramatic, but its how I feel,
    sometimes I have even thought of just Breaking up with him and moving on with my life! and this is why I am struggling cause I don’t know what to do,I don’t know what decisions to make,I would appreciate your honest opinion with what you think I should really do. I really need it.cause I feel STUCK. If you need more answers ask me whatever you would Like to know.

    #124066

    anita
    Participant

    Dear alexa05:

    I think that at this point in your three year relationship with this man, it is absolutely necessary that you and him have a series of meaningful conversation about the present and future plans for each one of you individually and together, as a couple (if there is to be a couple).

    This unclear, vague status of this relationship is not healthy for you, and it wouldn’t be for me, if I was you. You have to know more than you know now, THREE years into a relationship. You can write down a list of questions for you, and as I suggested in a previous post to you in this very thread, you can email him these questions, so that he can answer them at his time and pace (take a few days/ week or so).

    I might give him the following assignment (and take it on myself, so both of you individually do the following):

    1. Describe me, who I am (who alexa05 is) in 1/2 page. (you describe him in 1/2 page)

    2. Describe our relationship, one page?

    3. What are your thoughts about the future of our relationship, 1/2-1 page?

    anita

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