What can possibly be going on in here? ADVICE!

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This topic has 24 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 31, 2016 at 8:40 am #124067

Lostbutlearning
Participant

Just from my experience I once experienced something similar, my boyfriend at the time was friends with a woman who was also in a relationship with 2 kids. He started telling me also how suddenly her boyfriend started to hit her ect then the next minute I know my boyfriend at the time and this woman started having an affair, the woman left her boyfriend and her 2 kids and set up home with my boyfriend and started a new family.
Luckily for you the woman does not live in the same country but I think we need to remember that guys like to feel needed, and if this woman is confiding in him making him feel needed then that is what forms there connection. If guys don’t feel love or affection all the time they do look elsewhere. I’m not saying that your not showing it, but maybe because you are independent and you have your life together or makes it seem that way maybe your boyfriend feels like he cant really add to your life and make a difference but with hers he can. Its just a thought.

Me personally I would just be completely honest with him about the way it makes you feel, don’t accuse at all just say it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would rather him not be involved in it, if he loves you he should be able to understand that, if not find somebody who can.

January 7, 2017 at 8:28 am #124759

alexa05
Participant

@anita, So I asked him again nicely and he said she is just a friend that I know from long time ago and I know her family and so on,, but honestly he seemed reluctant to give me a good ol clear explanation, it just does not satisfy me , I asked’ why can she get help somewhere else in a suicide hotline or a psychiatrist and he is like” well she feels that since I am a doctor I can help her”. and then he comes with the BS that:”if I would be doing something shady I wouldn’t have told you anything about this in the first place” I’m just tired of not getting a decent explanation. I don’t understand what is the big deal with this whole thing,supposedly she does not have money to go to a psychologist or some type of help, and she remains with her husband because he has money, she cannot maintain herself and she has not finished college yet.

I At this point I AM exhausted mentally and emotionally(neutral) and I don’t know if he is being truthful or not but I think I should just breakup with him, I’m not feeling this relationship anymore, from some time ago,my body,my heart and my soul just wants freedom, this guy is an idiot I don’t need this crap in my life. and believe me its not going to get better, at the beginning I though he would be a different person.but turned out to be completely different of what I expected nevertheless I decided to give him and the relationship a couple of shots, to not judge right away! But its been 3 years and I can’t handle this anymore, Plus also his career(medicine) consumed too much time from him and he could not give me the me the time that was right.

January 7, 2017 at 8:32 am #124760
alexa05
Participant
@Lostbutlearning So I asked him again nicely and he said the same thing: ”she is just a friend that I know from long time ago and I know her family and so on,, but honestly he seemed reluctant to give me a clear explanation, it just does not satisfy me ,Maybe im to insecure, I asked’ why can she get help somewhere else in a suicide hotline or a psychiatrist and he is like” well she feels that since I am a doctor I can help her”. and then he comes with the BS that:”if I would be doing something shady I wouldn’t have told you anything about this in the first place” I’m just tired of not getting a decent explanation. I don’t understand what is the big deal with this whole thing,supposedly she does not have money to go to a psychologist or some type of help, and she remains with her husband because he has money, she cannot maintain herself and she has not finished college yet.

I At this point I AM exhausted mentally and emotionally(neutral) and I don’t know if he is being truthful or not but I think I should just breakup with him, I’m not feeling this relationship anymore, from some time ago,my body,my heart and my soul just wants freedom, this guy is an idiot I don’t need this crap in my life. and believe me its not going to get better, at the beginning I though he would be a different person.but turned out to be completely different of what I expected nevertheless I decided to give him and the relationship a couple of shots, to not judge right away! But its been 3 years and I can’t handle this anymore, Plus also his career(medicine) consumed too much time from him and he could not give me the me the time that was right.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by alexa05.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by alexa05.
January 7, 2017 at 8:37 am #124763

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alexa05:

Reads to me that it is time for you to end this relationship. The issue with the woman is far from being the only troubling issue, to you, in this relationship. It is lacking on all fronts, it seems.

anita

January 7, 2017 at 8:56 am #124764

alexa05
Participant

@anita, Exactly, I just feel scared that I end up hurt, so there is something inside of me, that just wants out I can’t control it.

January 7, 2017 at 9:00 am #124765

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alexa05:

You feel scared staying in the relationship or ending it… or both? Can you explain this point?

anita

January 7, 2017 at 10:16 am #124774
alexa05
Participant
@anita,I think both, because you always have that little feeling of what if he is a good man and I break up with him for nothing.
its like a back a forth cycle.I don’t know what direction to take.

I know this sounds a little crazy but I feel that If I dig deeper and get to the bottom of this whole situation of the woman etc,I can perhaps continue happy. But I need to do something cause I am sure he wont tell me anything else.

I was thinking of sending him an email pretending to be her and see how he acts. yesterday I was with my boyfriend and he said he had call her many times and she did not answer, so maybe I can tell him in the email,pretending to be her that I saw his missed calls but could not answer cause my husband was closed by, and see how he reacts. what do you think of this idea?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by alexa05.
January 7, 2017 at 10:26 am #124776

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alexa05:

I don’t understand, technically, how you can send him an email pretending to be her. I wonder if such can backfire at you.

What I do understand is that you are feeling that there is something very wrong with him and with the relationship, but you are not sure, so you are looking for a proof. Maybe I can help you… maybe it can be clear to me, being outside of your confusion, to clearly see what you don’t-

I will ask you a question and try, if you will, answer it without thinking, type away whatever comes to mind, okay?

Here is the question: what is wrong with this man? And what is wrong with this relationship?

anita

January 7, 2017 at 10:53 am #124777

alexa05
Participant

@anita he acts weird,he is complicated,as I said before he has ADHD!!!,childish at times.
we don,t see each other often, I feel alone. and also I have restrained back from being a little more active in the relationship,
since I am scared of what will happen after he graduates or for just for the fact that perhaps i’m being used.

January 7, 2017 at 11:26 am #124778

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alexa05:

I read your posts from the beginning of the thread. Here is some of what you wrote:

“I remember at the beginning of our relationship I felt something was off with him,I felt like he had some type of personality disorder or some weird behavioural thing going on, and well,I was RIGHT!…I always ask myself what’s going to happen with us when he graduates now in February, we have not talked SERIOUSLY about the future… all of this unanswered questions are really taking a big toll on me and I can clearly feel it.
I need to put an end to all of this or else its just going to get worse.”

This is my understanding of your situation: this relationship was troubled from the very beginning. From the very beginning you felt something was off and weird about him. The title “ADHD” didn’t make his off-ness or weirdness any more tolerable for you. I believe you: something is off about him, but I don’t think that ADHD explains away what is off or weird, and so, there is no comfort in it.

What is off with him extends beyond the title. I am thinking, you postponed your judgment, maybe because he was studying medicine and that made you think he has promise and so, the relationship has promise. You are panicking now because he is about to graduate February, and that is some type of a time limit for you- get married or break up.

What is off with him- I don’t know, but it extends beyond ADHD. What is off with him makes it possible for him to study medicine and maybe to graduate in February, but it doesn’t make a healthy relationship with a woman possible. I think you felt it from the start, ignored it, and you can’t ignore it anymore.

My advice is to break up- should have broken up long ago.

anita
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