Hi there,

I have wrote on this before but deleted it after reconciling with the person in question and agreeing to dating. However, I cannot seem to shake the lingering voices of doubt that continue in my head and heart.

Basically, I have been friends with a guy for a long time (around 6 years). When we were first friends, he reminded me a LOT of my first love, he was painfully shy and reserved but was also very willing to change. I always felt guilty for being so critical with my first love (I used to criticise him for being quiet/ passive etc. despite me being the same way), so I felt like helping was the right thing to do. I wanted to help.

For years, we remained friends, and things worked fine. No issues. He had a girlfriend which meant things between us were “safe” from complications.

The first time we had any sort of issue was when I started seeing one of his friends. He became jealous that me and his friend got on so well, and he basically felt rejected and “pushed out”. During this time, I got involved with somebody else who convinced me that my friend wasn’t adding any “value” to my life (his jealously, insecurities etc.) so I cut off contact with him. I felt a bit sad for doing this, but I also felt that perhaps it was for the best. (in hindsight perhaps I just needed to assert boundaries).

Fast forward, a year later, we became friends again. The person I was involved with, dropped off so I suppose I naturally went back to reconcile. I guess I knew he probably wasn’t adding a lot of value to my life, but I did value him as a person and I valued helping him enough to at least want to be friends. In this time, due to circumstances (I was out of work due to leaving my job, then subsequently quitting other jobs due to insecurities/ he later moved into the same building as me) we grew a lot closer. He held me as I spoke on things, and we greatly understood each others fears and insecurities. I felt understood in a way I never had before. I felt comfortable and safe.

Then him and his girlfriend broke up. I remember feeling a wave of dread and anxiety as I realised boundaries had been crossed (through intimate hugging and cuddling). I guess I panicked there wasn’t a way back/ I felt out of control. I started to notice I felt almost compelled to see him, despite not always wanting to initially. I became obsessed with his attention and approval. His ‘love’ became very important to me. Fast forward to later that year (2015) we were drinking at my parents, and he kissed me. I didn’t want to, but I kissed back. I felt sick the next day when I thought about it, he felt like family and I felt sick that I had ruined a good friendship. We spoke and I explained I wanted to keep it as friends (he agreed, explaining he could control himself for the sake of our friendship), but something stronger kept dragging me back. I wanted his love. Subsequent intimate sessions were initiated by me (usually after a drink or two).

Basically, ever since then, since late 2015, it’s all been a bit of a mess. Because of me and my issues. I saw him nearly every day around autumn/ Christmas 2015 and I started feeling really depressed, because he wasn’t in a good place (because of his own issues, his break up etc). and I was tuning into all his negativity and absorbing it like a sponge. I started to become really frustrated with him because I wanted more from him, and he wasn’t able to give it.

Fast forward to now, the ‘friendship’ has been very on and off. We cut contact around April this year and I moved back with my parents, but of course I was still unhappy and still carrying around all these unresolved issues and burdens which I felt so heard by him on. It didn’t help we live in the same village and I have to walk past his every day to work. Recently (within the last couple of weeks) I saw him to ‘reconcile’ things, we had a lovely chat and he said it’s completely up to me if I want to be friends or not. He just wants me happy. Last Wednesday I saw him, my parents were away so I asked him round (he also asked if I wanted to do something which I suppose sowed the seed). He looked so amazing, more amazing than I have ever noticed before, I couldn’t keep my hands off him!

I am so conflicted. He seems to mirror my inner most demons. He has issues himself, he has low self esteem and can be negative about things (although this has significantly improved). He reminds me of my mum and how she criticises me, yet she does love me and obviously I want her love and approval. I am so unsure what I feel. I can’t seem to escape this situation, even when he says I can go. I feel like perhaps I should go, but I am also drawn to him at the same time?

What do I want? What does one do in this situation? I have read about codependency and how the only way out is to work on ourselves? I really do care for him, and I feel so incredibly guilty for putting him through all of this if this isn’t really what I want.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks 🙂

Jackie