October 2, 2014 at 2:42 pm #65931MarieParticipant
Okay. So it hasn’t happened yet. But a situation has arisen that’s made me think… what if? And also, am I overthinking this?
I moved out of my boyfriend’s place four months ago after a long, steady 7-year relationship. Why did I move out? Because my boyfriend is almost 40 and refuses to talk about the future (marriage, kids, next week) or his excessive drinking or the fact that he hasn’t had a job in almost seven years and also has lost interest in being intimate or communicating about anything important. Frankly, I think he’s depressed. We still talk and are friendly and love each other, but something definitely had to change, and when he wasn’t changing, I moved out by default. I care for him, but I can’t spend my life like that. I need more communication with my life partner. We decided to take a break.
Recently, he said that he’s going to visit my friend back East. While this friend is not my best friend, we are former college and post-college roomies and I definitely consider her a close friend (she’s in my inner circle for sure). Both my boyfriend and my friend love to drink and most of their sexual experience with others has been while intoxicated. (Longer relationships are the exception, but there are a lot of drunk one-night stands for both of them.) I’ve noticed in the past that they both have the mentality of “Oh well, I was drunk!” when they do such acts. Which is fine. But what is not fine is that I definitely saw them connecting while plastered and not plastered while I was with my boyfriend. There was even a point where my friend drunkenly said she would have a threesome with us (she said this to my boyfriend, not to me). I was kind of upset when this happened in the past, but I really love this girl and think she’s friendly and beautiful and a kind person so I let this pass, even though there were definitely times I felt left out when we were hanging out – just the three of us.
Anyway, it seems that they’re both kind of lost in life and love to drink away the night and not think about tomorrow. I know I have no claim over my boyfriend anymore, but I have commiserated numerous times with my close friend about the break up and the years leading up to the break up (his distant behavior, lack of wanting to talk about future, etc). She was even there the night I met him! I feel like this is just weird and I don’t want to make a big deal about it so I am just sort of waiting to see if they will sleep with each other or not.
I’m just… if something does happen between them. A drunken act of passion. Whatever. Do I even have a right to be upset? My friend, who is friends with both me and my close friend, says to forget my boyfriend and stop talking to him as it is hurting me emotionally, but I’m not good at cutting people out of my life completely and don’t want to. We don’t talk often and it’s usually about silly stuff (what’s for dinner, weather, activities), but when he said he was visiting my close friend I felt left out and sad and weird. Especially since she hasn’t said a word to me about him visiting! Though she’s told other friends that he is coming to see her for a week (she lives by the beach and her world revolves around fun and not looking towards the future).
I can’t help feeling a little betrayed by my close friend. This was a very long relationship and she knows all about it. What’s going on? Plus, why would my ex say he still wants to be with me and then do this? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe he’s just trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe she wasn’t as close a friend as I thought. It definitely seems like if she was she would have at least mentioned he was going to stay at her beach condo for a week.
Oh, life. It hurts. Just the possibility hurts. I want a partner I can talk about the future with and connect with spiritually, emotionally and physically. And he obviously has issues on all fronts, but still…October 3, 2014 at 4:54 am #65951InkyParticipant
I’m sorry you’re going through this. What an icky feeling. You can’t “call” them on it because he’s technically not your boyfriend anymore and you’re also accusing them of doing something they haven’t done yet.
But here’s the thing ~ you know in your bones this will probably happen. There is an unwritten girl code, but will she follow it? The fact that she didn’t mention it means she knows something will happen or she didn’t want to hurt you. He mentioned it for sure to make you jealous.
Tell one or both of them the truth. It’s called social “boundaries”. That the break up is still too raw and that you would hate to dump both of them at once. You can show up at her doorstep and deliver the message! A mini reunion! It will put the wind out of his sails for sure. But at least you’re at the beach! For a week! 😉October 3, 2014 at 8:26 am #65960MarieParticipant
It’s the worst! Ha, oh, a mini reunion. How awkward that would be! Perhaps I’ll let him know – like you said – that that would be crossing some sort of boundary and the break up is still too raw. There would definitely be no getting back together if any funny business did happen between them. I just think it’s weird how he’ll say I’m the one for him forever in one sentence and then say this in another. Why try to make the one you love jealous? It all seems very not healthy. I get it. He’s hurting too. But still. And as for my friend. Wow. I don’t even know. It’s just weird how she hasn’t said anything. Maybe they’re perfect for each other as they both don’t really talk about their feelings. =(