What invisible force is working against me?

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 4 weeks ago.

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    There are a lot of things that I feel unsatisfied with the last two years.
    The first would be my job.  I work in a competitive environment with women. When I first arrived, I wanted friends badly. I am more shy…either way, despite my best efforts I didn’t grow close with anyone. So, my job is solitary. No positive social interactions or meeting new people/friends. It is pretty lucrative and flexible, which is why I have stayed. On the other hand, this job is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO FAR from my personality and I just dread it. It makes me depressed, which I work with through accepting my job, being grateful, expecting improvements,etc. but this is a daily battle 🙂
    I always thought, my job would fine if I just had friends to balance out its negativity, but despite my best efforts…I somehow didn’t make any positive friends? Things kept happening where I would meet just bad people, which further drained my energy.
    The only happiness this job brings me is afterwards, financially. And to show up, I feel I need to be happy because otherwise I feel frozen by sadness. All I have wanted was to enjoy my day before work (I work evenings) and I just feel so unsatisfied.

    Example: Previously I had the perfect morning routine. Workout at my lovely, quiet apartment gym every morning. This would center me no matter what.

    Now, the only gym I take interest is in a little much over budget. So, I have been exercising outdoors for the longest. I don’t necessarily enjoy it, esp because if I feel down I don’t want to be seen in public but there is no where close where I would have solitude. On the days I feel good, I force myself to workout outside. On the days I feel sad, I know in my heart this routine is not fulfilling but I need to workout everyday.

    I have tried to switch it up, and I am always trying to think optimistic. I have gone on hikes, to the beach alone, etc. It is not sustainable for everyday workouts and its just too much.

    So this has been a problem daily- waking up wanting to workout, not being happy  about having to do it outside- either convince myself and do it, do yoga inside, etc. either way it’s not fulfilling.

    I always thought if I had friends then we could hike together, beach together. Or if I had my gym it wouldn’t matter.

    Anyway, sometimes it feels something is working against me despite thinking optimistic and genuinely thinking my day is going to go well.

    Example 1 : I woke up sad and unsatisfied today, knowing I would have to work and that my day would have no enjoyment..just routine. Workout outside, come home, blah blah.

    Someone invited me to hike,  I happily said yes. The plans got tarnished by my first ride being cancelled, and then my phone died before the 2nd got to I had to walk home. In the end, it was too late to hike.

    Example 2: I am excited to work to make money. (I have to build myself up all day) I am ready to go in, and a sibling comes over dumping all of their problems which throws me off emotionally and time wise. Now I don’t want to work, I want to de-stress. When on another day, I could have no interruptions.

    It just seems like everything is purposely getting in my way, throwing me off. I try my best EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Not a single day I have given up totally on myself. I am here, thinking positive, putting in effort- so why do I keep getting tripped up? What’s with the bad luck? I feel so depressed I don’t want to work again




    Dear Bun:

    I read your post. I was wondering why you can’t go to a gym daily, isn’t there a gym you can be a member of and  exercise there daily, one fitting your budget?

    Regarding the “invisible force” or “bad  luck”, reads to me  that better or wiser  planning will take care of that problem: say No to the sibling visiting  you is one better  planning.

    Regarding the ride  being cancelled, making it impossible for  you to do the hike  that  day,  I suppose  you don’t drive? If you don’t drive, what about  public transportation?



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