It is a year since my ex boyfriend broke up with me. Time flies and I have moved on with my life. However I struggle to understand why things happened as they did? All I see is betrayal. Unnecessary pain and the power and damage that no communication can have and has left on me. I feel numb and question will I ever be in the position to be able to love again?
To set the scene. I met a guy while studying at uni in my same line of work. We really got on well and he was very supportive for my studies and within 7 months we had moved in together, he was working and I was finishing my course before returning to work. But not all was rosey.I had issues from my past that were never resolved, and always felt a sense of guilt within, to do with a learning difficulty that effected me emotionally with low self esteem. Basically I was diagnosed with dyslexia during my course that same year but deep down I knew that was,nt it. Nothing added up and I struggled more and more to hide my issue which had a major impact on my relationships in general. In fact. I knew what it could be for many years. 8 in fact but for some reason would not accept or hadn’t the ability to solve the problem itself. I have ADHD never able to finish anything I set myself to and the more I get stressed the more introvert I get. This is what happened after I finished my course and the easy way out was to start working in my boyfriends company as he’s colleague said it would be a great idea and pushed me in. Deep down I knew this wasn’t right but I was afraid to go work with anyone else and thought why not help out. Things worked initially but I soon realised that I was falling back into my old ways. There was no way to hide it anymore. Work came home. I was unable to balance life and felt like I was deceitful when all I needed to do was release the pain guilt by opening up and telling my boyfriend so I could get the help I needed. This never happened, until it was too late. It killed me but I was unresponsive unreactive due to my ADHD symptoms. Cold hearted and unsupportive in my current state. I was now struggling in work and at home unable to separate the two knowing everything was falling apart but not in control of anything. Eventually he broke it off I was devastated moving out. suicidal in fact and it was only then that all my past pain came to the surface. Bullying from school and work. It was as like work was more important than our relationship but it wasn’t. I kept working for him after moving out and in great pain. I had to move on but did not have the strength. Things got worse at work and with no answers or communication from my ex but a smiley face you are now my employee I felt controlled my him and he’s colleagues. I felt used and vulnerable. I went to seek help when I was at my worst in bits and got a diagnosis for ADHD, the signs were obvious. I Was told that all actions were not bad but my only way to cope with the baggage. Part of me wanted to leave the work to see if we could get back together but equally stay so not to disappoint my ex but I couldn’t read him I couldn’t make decisions and relied on he’s colleague to guide me. Eventually I suspected my ex was in a new relationship 2 months later and picked up the strength to wish him luck. This was hard but I felt well at least zip can accept he’s decision and move on.
At that moment I near fell to the ground. He told me he was seeing the client. I was shocked. First client relations and second that he had been lying to me all along. He said it was none of my business and to accept it. But I felt betrayed not on,y by him but by he’s colleague. They withheld this information so to keep me on at work. He’s family worked down stairs and no one told me. Is felt sick and fell apart. He tried to comfort me and say it was just a few dates but was clearly in a relationship with her and had been since we broke up. He says he did nothing wrong but it me he was pursued all this time and had an emotional affair with this girl during my most difficult times when he should have been focusing on us. He said he wasn’t celebrating Valentines this year as some way of trying to comfort me. False hopes and I could not understand how I got to this position an employee and our relationship future dreams all up in the sky blown away for ever. What had I done and why was I being punished so much? I eventually having got my diagnosis ran my ex and told him everything. How I was ill and how I had Adhd. He simply said ” oh, really… Well you can get treatment for that” my heart sank and I said to myself ” it is as simple as that, the issue wasn’t the issues it was my issue with the issue myself and me. It was the. That I realised that I had lost an amazing person because of my own insecurities. My own anger with myself which I had reflected onto him being cold hearted and unsupportive. I will never accept that someone could walk all over someone else’s relationship and pursue a guy like that but I guess he was open to it and needed it just as much as I needed to sort me and work before I could give to a relationship.

As you can see I ramble off focus but back the question, what is acceptable or not for a breakup? Mine was a death sentence of unnecessary rounds of pain. In fact I never knew my ex because we was too nice to be true and a fake where as I was too ill to support myself. But I will never understand. Why he couldn’t see that and I wonder had he not iniitated a new relationship could we have been back together? Possible not as I saw he’s true colours afterwards and finally accepted that she deserved him. Not done intentionally but it was my peaceful leaving of he’s workplace that hurt him in the end. I was blinded my my disability. The boundaries between our relationship and work were blurred and there was never any working for him I lost all in order to focus on myself and a fresh start. Eventually I wasn’t anger with him but he’s colleague who manipulated me to stay in the company knowing what was going on a the the impact it was to have on me. I later sent a professional email to say I would no longer be doing work for them and that my own projects would unfortunately have to go else where. I spoke with integrity for the first time able to make decisions and stand on my own two feet. Maybe guys react differently to situations. But I will never understand homie he cared so much he could move on in such a way not feeling a thing for he’s actions now knowing the full story. I opened my heart fully when it was too late but no matter how. A relationship was each deserves respect for each other and what broke all feelings for hi was the lack of honesty and deception that he to this day does not see. No matter what happens in life all I want is honesty and that is during and after a breakup . We are all human but working under fault pretences and withheld information is no fun. I spoke up when I had confirmation of what was wrong and I wonder how long my ex and client would have left me i work before telling me the full story. Yes it was none of my business but the impact was all my business to have to deal with.