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What is wrong with me?

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  • #114746
    Yvonne
    Participant

    So I left my ex 2,5 years ago. We still were friends after the breakup. I helped him deal with stuff, he came to my graduation,etc. A year after (few days after my graduation) he started a relationship. We promissed eachother for our friendship we would tell the other if we met someone, so that the other did not have to find out… but he told me nothing. This ex who was scared to have children, just had his first child. Apparently he and his girlfriend decided to have kids after 10 monts.

    The same ex who was scared that i would start a life with someone else, but didnt want kids before he was 40 and before he had seen the world. The ex who wanted kids with me, but was scared that he would resent me and the kid for not beeing able to see the world before he was 40- now has a kid?

    I know this was not my person… so why does it hurt? I loved him, but over time like a dear friend-my best friend and now he is a stranger who in the hard times had my number.

    So why am i in pain? All of a sudden having the feeling that i was not good enough? I hate this,i am happy he found happiness – but it left me with a lot of selfdoubt. Will i ever be good enough?

    What is wrong with me. I am allways happy of other people their succes, but this has left me with so many questions… my ex this ex has had children that didnt make me doubt myself. But now i am a bit hurt and doubting myself. What is wrong with me?

    #114748
    anita
    Participant

    Dear thoughts:

    I think you feel hurt and feeling hurt well.. it feels badly. You feeling hurt doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Everyone- every person- feels hurt sometimes.

    The fact that your ex didn’t tell you he was dating, doesn’t mean either that there is something wrong with you. Instead, it means that he didn’t keep his word to you. It felt more comfortable for him to not let you know so he chose what was comfortable for him. It is an indication of his thoughts and feelings and not an indication of yours.

    The fact that your ex told you he didn’t want children with you but now has a child with another woman is also, not an indication of there being something wrong with you or that you are less than the woman in his life. What it means is that something unexpected happened to him. That something unexpected had nothing to do with you.

    What happened? I don’t know but it didn’t have to do with you.

    He told you that if he had a child with you he will resent you and the child. Unfortunately, now that he has a child, he may be resenting the child and the mother of his child. That is unfortunate for the child and for the mother of his child.

    Fortunately for you, you are not in her position.

    anita

    #114749
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    There is nothing wrong with you. Maintaining friendship with your ex post-breakup is 99.9% a bad idea. It causes anxiety to at least one person (usually the one who can’t come to terms with the loss) and has the potential to cause problems with the new partner. It’s just a bad thing no matter how you look at it. And yes, there is nothing wrong with you. The reason you feel the way you do is because you kept in touch. Had you let go you’d have been fine by now. You also need to realize that people change. Things that we believe in today don’t stick around for long. That’s just life. Who knows why he decided to have kids with this woman. There are 3 million things that could have caused him to change his mind. None of them imply that there is something wrong with you or that you’re unworthy. That’s total nonsense. Focus on yourself and start cutting out all contact with the past.

    #114766
    rehan007
    Participant

    I am not sure how to create a post on here. Hence, I hope no-one minds that I wish to seek advice on this thread as I feel the topic is still relevant for me.

    I am gay and have never been in a relationship. It is not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I really want to have a boyfriend and foster a good relationship (This is one of my aspirations in life – getting married to the man I love) – friends and family always say to me; you will find someone. But, for some reason, my mind wanders – what if I am the forgotten one? What if there’s no one for me? All my siblings are attached and I am the only one still single. The voices in my head say: What qualities is it that they have that I don’t? Am I not good enough? Many of my friends are also in relationships/married – some are pregnant and others already have children. I fear growing old alone without a companion and it is haunting.

    Over the last decade whilst living in various parts of the world, I have had many casual encounters and have dated guys but nothing blossomed. I am not sure why… I always to quizzed myself afterwards: am I too ugly? am I not enough for a relationship? How can I improve? Why is it so easy for some to end one relationship and find someone quickly whereas, for me, it is hard to form even one stable relationship?

    Whilst I do want to be in a relationship sincerely – not having relationship experience also makes me anxious – my mind wanders: What if we fight all the time? What if we fall out of love? What if I don’t get the freedom to do what I want in life? What if my parents don’t like my husband? What if we have to live apart due to work? – it goes on and on.

    After working for a few years, I moved to a new country to pursue further studies in the field that I am truly passionate in. In my class, I connected really well with two guys. With both of them – but not at the same time, we have gone out to shows, grocery shopping, parties and I walk him home, talk on Facebook messenger pretty much everyday. However, both of them have girlfriends. I enjoy their company and it feels nice and I go with flow. One of them also touches me on the shoulder, my back and on my side. He also smiles across the lecture hall when our eyes lock. All is fine but it makes me feel uncomfortable when every now and then, when they utter the word – girlfriend. My mind wanders: what am I doing? Why am I hanging out with unavailable guys? How do I knock out of it?

    For a very long time – I have this inner desire for a guy to hold me in his arms and love me for who I am and of course – I him. Whilst I am satisfied with my male parts, inside me – I feel and think like a woman at times. For example, yesterday night as I walking my new guy friend home after watching a live theatre show. We passed-by a couple on the street – the guy was holding the girl and kissing her. I wished that girl was me. A few days ago, I was having my lunch at a park and there was a couple cuddling a few yards away on a picnic mat, and I wished that I was the girl – who the guy was holding in a loving embrace. It feels like I am deprived of it and at times, that is why I resort to casual encounters, as means to get some relieve – even if its for an hour.

    I seek your advice to shed some insights on what is going on here with me. Namaste!

    p.s. I have made the most of being single and I guess, for me personally – the hardest part of being single – is the loneliness that creeps up every now and then.

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