hi I just need advice never spoke to anyone other than my sister about my crippling fear when I become attached to a person that I could lose and always do.

So my sister has Complex-Ptsd and this is the outcome of being raised by dysfunctional parents.

brief breakdown of childhood

Our MOTHER most abusive of the two, narcissistic, workaholic, who had all her 6 kids and father walking on eggs shells growing up. My Father was a workaholic/alcoholic and spent our childhood drowning his miserable life in beer enabling my mother .   They didn’t beat us – they just forgot they were ment to love us .

Im the youngest of 6 kids now 39 and every sibling is badly damaged and unfortunately only me and one other sister have remained very close and we help each other deal with our challenges . She is diognosed and receives treatment for complex-ptsd and although married with children she suffers far more than I , So I tend to be her support while facing my issues.

My problem is after much self education and a little therapy I have such huge attachment issues . I picked abusive men thinking fear was love till I realised my judgment was wrong I became afraid and avoidant . I’ve never had a good partner  in my life . And now I know what love is and try to dare to be loved I must self sabotage and be so fearful they won’t love me or they will turn abusive they leave me .

im not a borderline person I don’t have suicidel thoughts ,  I struggle to self soothe and have triggers of unresolved panic fear abandonment but once calm I see my panic and anxiety is a trigger when I fear any loss.

It took a long time to work through the tragic mishaps in my life these past 25yrs of my adult life  , and the reasons I’ve suffered in different ways to my sister. She is 5 yrs older and remembers more than I can but sadley through my parents neglect she was raped at 5 by a lodger that stayed with us in our parents then guesthouse. This is so tragic I cry at her sorrow of this as our parents never did anything just chucked the man out and never spoke of it again. My sister was able to find a healthy partner and had a breakdown shortly after her wedding . My parents still never addressed this but I know there just not able to even be anymore than they can be , my dad has cancer now and my mums is so far gone in her self obsession . She has me always and her husband to support her, so that is all can be is supportive to each other .

I  had only two but two of the worst kinda relationships from leaving home .very nasty bad men drunk abusive first one twice my age I was 13 , ….. second one brief but violent and extremely scared. These are in my past I left them both very quickly and raised two beautiful children on my own . My understanding is that my brain may not think productively  when I’ve had parents so messed up , I am so fearful of not seeing red flags in men I’ve spent past 15 yrs single but I’m so lonely and I don’t know how to heal so I can learn to love myself and attract good men .

I know understand what actively look for good men but I kept them away so long I have no confidence in myself . This is so heartbreaking for me because I do have only one friend who always loved me but I was so fearful about abandonment he still remained my friend and didn’t push me for more . He took me out last week as I’ve not socialised in 3 yrs and I was nervous  and scared and he was so lovely we ended up in each others arms . The following day I lost my mind with fear panicking saying stupid things that made no sense , heart pounding with fear I broke down and told him how deeply I cared for him but fear drives me insane and I’d lose him or he’d leave me but I did want to try and make it work . I was always honest with him and I was so sure he’d always showed he’d be there as a friend if I could only give him that . He always loved me .

I gave my heart and soul to this man again and being my best friend I literally was not prepared to have him suddenly go cold and it’s made me panic and panic and I broke my heart waiting a week in silence to be told he didn’t feel that way for anymore . I’ve lost my best friend and the only man I dared to let close to me ……

i don’t understand if he just lied to me or perhaps I’m so crazy he saw me as broken .

Im heartbroken I’ve lost my friend when he could of not perused me as his girl and left me alone . I’m so hurt I don’t understand . I know my anxiety with attachment is messed up but I don’t know how to be secure when even one I let near me brakes me worse than before . I stay single I try and love I lose them and I just hurt myself cox it take so long for the sadness to subside . I love so deeply but never receive it . Can some offer me where do I get help for this . I can’t bare to be alone all my life . I’m 39 now .

Kay