Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?
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May 18, 2018 at 12:39 pm #208159
BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I have been digesting everything you have told me & all is sobering.
I never thought about him more interested in easy, more than Love. And if I knew he was just trying to sort through his feelings alone for a while I would be able to feel better. I do understand their is no way I will know. The girlfriend thing is what kills me. I can’t imagine him saying he met someone to hurt me & keep from him. I wish I knew the truth behind all of this.
I know it would make me look like I am groveling if I told him how I felt, which one day last week I did tell him I was sorry for anything I may have done to cause him to leave & that I still loved him. (No reply from him), other than he said one evening he wondered if I ever Loved him. Which I assured him I did, once again hoping for a reaction & nothing. That is what I can’t seem to get a grasp on. It is like if he was wondering if I ever really Loved him why didn’t he ask any questions when I told him I always did & still do.
He was just very short and said he was busy. I told him I wanted to be friendly with one another and hoped we could feel comfortable to talk if needed and he said yes, but it was clearly not so because shortly after was when I called with an urgent text and he never replied. That stick in my gut as to how he could not reply after 8 years of being together.
Am I being stupid & should I start purging him out of my system if any way possible and move on. Part of me hopes as time goes by that he will come around and want to talk. But I know in my Heart, I would not forgive him for the way he has treated me since he has been gone, especially , if he does have a girlfriend.
May 18, 2018 at 12:52 pm #208163
AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I will be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. I will read your recent post (and any other you may add before I am back) and reply when I am back. Take good care of yourself.
anita
May 18, 2018 at 2:41 pm #208167BellaParticipantAnita,
Should I try to purge my whole relationship from the past with this man? Would that be best for me, or should I be patient and give it a few weeks and see how I feel… Should I tell him how I feel when I get a little better perspective on things, or am I just torturing myself by even thinking about it?
I know it is not good to make decisions when you are angry & upset is why I am in limbo~ I noticed for others advice was given to tell the other party how they felt & I do know all situations are unique. I can’t seem to get a hold on how I could spend more than 8 yrs. with someone & them know everything about me, so it seemed most of the time, and then now I feel like he is a complete stranger. Seriously, “Complete Stranger”…I could show any emotion to him without reserve & now it feels so strange not to have that. It’s like the man I once knew disappeared…It is so hard not to just have his presence in the house. It is all I have known for many years & I feel so abandoned.
May 19, 2018 at 4:31 am #208189AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I re-read and studied your posts. Here is the key sentence: “Whenever I tried to talk about most things he all of the sudden got tired & would just tell me to go to sleep & it would be better the next day”
Trouble in the relationship started, reads to me, when your plan to purchase a home together got into high gear. The financial and legal actions required from him caused him too much distress. It is his distress that caused him to “all of the sudden (get) tired” and want “to go to sleep”.
The more you talked about it, the different financial and legal steps that need to be taken, the more distressed he became, the more tired, the more miserable and finally he got angry, angry enough to leave.
I suppose you didn’t see how distressed he was and he didn’t tell you in words that he was.
The financial resolution of his divorce, which was to his wife’s favor, child support, loans he took, he was very distressed about it, and it is that distress that was triggered when you were making plans to … get him into a financial and legal bind .. yet again. He didn’t want to be back there, back to a financial-legal prison-like. He didn’t want that distress again.
Problem is, at this point, as I understand it, that he associates you with that distress. He doesn’t want the distress, so he doesn’t want you in his life.
You wrote about him “he can move on so easily with someone else so quickly”- no indication to me at all that he moved on. He moved away from distress, not on, not forward. You wrote: “why he wants to hurt me”- no indication to me that this is his motivation.
My suggestions at this point: if you communicate with him further, don’t send him any “urgent” messages. Nothing to spike his distress or remind him of the distress he felt with you. Don’t discuss financial and legal matters with him. If you find my input here valid, a strong possibility as to what motivated him, you may want to present it to him as casually as you can, not apologetically, not accusatorily, not dramatically, but simply, to the point, not at length. You can present it as a misunderstanding, a miscommunication that lasted too long.
I don’t know if it is too late or not, may be too late to resurrect the relationship. But it couldn’t possibly hurt to communicate to him further, as I suggested. What do you think?
anita
May 19, 2018 at 7:54 am #208207BellaParticipantHi Anita~
When you say communicate, do you mean not talk about the relationship as if we were just friends. And does it sound strange if we can’t have a relationship, that I no longer care to be just friends…It would hurt to much , and be uncomfortable for me.
May 19, 2018 at 8:41 am #208211AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I thought you had some significant interest in getting back with him as in an intimate loving relationship (not as friends). What I meant by it not hurting to communicate with him, is that it will not hurt the chances of getting back together.
What is your position: did you give up and are you ready to move on?
anita
May 19, 2018 at 9:16 am #208217BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I would like very much to talk with him, but it feels so strange…I have never felt this way about calling him. I don’t want the rejection, because I know it will make me angry if he doesn’t return my call. I really don’t know how to handle this…
May 19, 2018 at 9:44 am #208223AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
The chances that he will respond to you if you contact him, and the chances that the relationship will resume in the near future look slim to me, based on my understanding of what you shared. It doesn’t look promising to me, not at all. So, likely if you id contact him, he will not respond.
If you are not prepared for this likely possibility, better you don’t contact him. If you were prepared and okay with him not responding, but wanted to give it a last shot at this point, before giving up altogether, then maybe it would make sense to contact him.
If you chose to contact him, then I would suggest to construct a message to him in such a way so to increase the likelihood that he will respond.
Take your time and let me know what you choose to do and if you would like my help in sending a message to him.
anita
May 19, 2018 at 12:07 pm #208247BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I need to speak with him about some important issues involving joint holdings we have that we both need to be present to resolve. I did text him earlier and let him know we both needed to be present for name removal off of property and accounts. I tried to do it on my own, but can not without him present. I texted if we could get together sometime over the weekend for a bit to go over some issues, which he is aware of. I was going to give it some time, but this morning I decided why wait. I am tired of everything on his terms when it is convenient for him~Just because he does not like dealing with Life~
So, of course he did not respond & I called his place of work, which since he has been employed at his present company he has never taken a Saturday off. When I called the secretary said he took the day off and was out of town until Monday. Of course, I was upset since Saturday is a big work day for him and he never took a Saturday off for us to spend together. I still did not call his phone or text him again.
I need to discuss these issues with him because they are important & for me to move on I don’t want his name on my property or accounts. I was trying to be honest with him and clearly let him know it was important and we just needed to wrap up loose ends so we could put this behind us and move forward. I said in the text I just wanted to put it all behind me so we could both be happy and move on…And yes, I am sure he already has, but I also want to, and can’t with these matters hanging over my head. (Not to mention the pain)
If I did the wrong thing, could you possibly guide me in the right direction. The only option he is leaving me is to take the papers to him at his work on Monday, and tell him it needs to be taken care of. I know he does not like confrontation, but I am tired of him acting like a child. I can’t stress enough how much this is upsetting me~ It’s not like I have asked him about feelings, or to come back. Since he has moved out I have not asked him back, yes I told him I loved him but not to get him back or to make him think that, it was to let him know that I cared because he said he didn’t think I ever really cared. I did not want his feelings hurt by thinking I didn’t care, which is silly because he would have to know after 8 years and all I did for him that he was Loved. But to make him feel better I still confirmed it, actually making a fool of myself because he made NO response what so ever…As much since he has been gone in the past 2 months I would have liked to have told him how I was feeling about the situation, I didn’t…I wanted him to have time to be alone and think about things. I Honestly don’t have a clue, but his actions are telling me he must have someone else in his life or he would not be so abrasive. I know him well enough that for him to act like this towards me it can not just be anger, he has someone to make him feel light on the other side of the Rainbow and he is Happy right now as long as things are good.
I just want all of this behind me and don’t want to deal with him any longer…So how do you recommend I get him to respond so I don’t have to confront him at work. I see that as my only option at this point. Unless I just sit and wait for him to come around on his terms to wrap us loose ends, which is not fair for me to have to tick away at the minutes to finish with this mess…and wait on him to come around~
May 19, 2018 at 4:34 pm #208253BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Would you mind replying to my most recent post…5/19 12:07 pm
Thank you~
May 20, 2018 at 2:31 am #208267AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I was away from the computer when you posted the message before last until this morning, otherwise I would have responded earlier.
I didn’t know that there were legal matters that still need to be resolved, joint holdings. It is irresponsible and cruel of him to deny you from his needed resolution of such holdings. I don’t understand what motivates him to be so callous. You didn’t share about him being cruel or callous during the eight year relationship.
Why not confront him Monday at work- if it is to spare his feelings, not a valid concern, I believe, because it is his callous irresponsibility that is the cause of the problem. And the problem is those joint holdings that need a resolution or a dissolution.
I feel an irritation myself, a bit of anger toward him, for not responding to what is in his responsibility to respond to in a timely manner.
Any indications in the eight years that he is passive aggressive, callous and cruel?
anita
May 20, 2018 at 4:51 am #208281BellaParticipantHi Anita & Thank You for all of your help,
You have made so much sense out of this for me. He sent me a text last night & only said , he was out of town and he would see how he felt when he got back and let me know if we could meet. (Once again, at his discresion)~
Back to your question, was he passive aggressive, callous and cruel? He could be verbally cruel when he was upset. He would lash out and say very hurtful things only to say the next day that’s not what he said when I brought it up. He would get angry when asked about things he didn’t want to talk about. Subjects that he did not want to discuss would always get verbally out of hand with him, so when that happened I would tell him not to talk to me when he was angry. And he would usually start drinking. (I never saw him drunk, just a few drinks) I never questioned where he was, when he left because I didn’t want to start another argument. He did drink more than my taste, because I do not drink & I didn’t like his drinking. I guess now when I think about it, he would usually go drink when he was upset. Sometimes I felt like he was hiding things from me and would get nasty just so I would drop the conversation, (which I usually did to avoid a fight)~
When speaking with my girlfriend last week she said she was glad he was gone because she didn’t like the way he talked to me.
When I entered the relationship with this man it was different than any other since we were friends first & I really wasn’t looking for Love. He was very aggressive in calling and not giving up as much as I told him how I felt. The longest relationship in my past was about 2 yrs., my father died when I was in my 20’s and we were very close & he was a Wonderful Smart & Humble Man.
He took care of his family & I never saw or heard him do anything to upset my Mother…All he did was make her Happy & Loved her. They were High School Sweet Hearts & then married. That is the way I always though men were suppose to treat women.
When I was in my 20’s and really started going out it seemed men were only after 1 thing, so I just had fun and tried not to get to serious. That’s why it took several years into this relationship for me to really open up my Heart and learn to trust and let go of my fears of being in a relationship…(because I didn’t want to open up to someone & get hurt) which is exactly what I am going through. I have never had any joint accounts & property together (which I owned previously)…So I really opened up for this man to have a piece of my Heart. I feel he has chewed me up & just spit me out! It should have been a joint decision & it should have been discussed. It wasn’t all his decision to make to end and leave the relationship! I guess it wouldn’t make me so angry if he hadn’t pursued me for so long and so aggressively ~ Maybe I felt to secure since we had been together so long, that he would never leave. And maybe because I know in my Heart I would have worked through this without giving up, because 8 yrs. is a long time I thought he would do the same.
I am sorry, it has been a long restless night with … and looking to what is ahead for the week is bleak~
I need to get back to one of the main questions, How do I get him to talk without being defensive towards me so I can get our joint holdings & Legal issues resolved. I really want to remain very calm with him, so possibly we could talk a little about the relationship. I need to know what is going on & why he is treating me like this. Should I come right out and ask him? Please, any advice on how to approach this thing~ I am so not good with things like this. I am not aggressive & he is, when he gets mean I leave. How can I survive through a sit down with him?
Bella
May 20, 2018 at 5:45 am #208283AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I am trying to understand. I was under the impression that he was not aggressive because you wrote that you were best friends, because you wrote earlier: “We were together 8 years and everyday he would say he loved me & give me a kiss before he went to work”, read like peaceful eight years. You also wrote: “I know he does not like confrontation”- which fits a non aggressive person.
You also wrote: “his actions are telling me he must have someone else in his life or he would not be so abrasive”, which lead me to think that during the eight years when he didn’t have someone else, he was not abrasive.
But in recent post you wrote that “He would lash out and say very hurtful things”, during the eight years, correct?
Another thing, in your original post you wrote that in the beginning you “would receive an occasional text message from him”, in the first six months of knowing him, as I understand it. But later you wrote that “He was very aggressive in calling and not giving up… pursued he for so long and so aggressively”
Occasional text messages for months doesn’t read aggressive to me.
Can you help me understand what appears to me like conflicting information?
anita
May 20, 2018 at 7:04 am #208287BellaParticipantHi Anita,
In the beginning he did send a lot of text & call, until I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Them he continued to send texts and call, not a lot but enough to keep me responding.
He did always tell me how much he Loved me when we were together, but he would still get verbally abusive when he did not what to be confronted, or to answer a question., or if he was in an uncomfortable situation. I would just let it go after I told him I wasn’t going to be spoken to in that manner. Also, as I write I am beginning to remember things about the relationship that were a bit bad. He never left the house without the I love you & a kiss. But, he would still turn around and lash out if I tried to discuss certain things with him he did not want to discuss. I know we are not perfect creatures and I try to give people the benefit of a doubt and I don’t like confrontation, so I always tried my best to diffuse it before things got to bad.
I am sure I am giving mixed signals, but you are sorting through them very well (Sorry) it is easy to only think about the good memories when someone is gone…
I need to be able to figure out a way to say the right things when we get face to face. What would you recommend…
Should I only discuss the absolute important matters (bank accounts/legal etc)
Should I express my feelings
Should I ask if we have a possibility of working through this before we do all of the financials
In my gut I still feel he will withdrawn and not respond to me because of the way he has been in the last few weeks, and then again I am afraid if I don’t do something everyday that goes by will cause us to drift further apart
Could I possibly be so upset over this break-up that my memory only wants to think about the good things? I have moments when I force myself to go back after reading your responses and things were not always as good as I may have portrayed them to be, but he never hurt me, or did anything in public to embarrass me. He was always very…very protective over me with most things. That is one of the reasons I loved him so much. He would ask what my plans were for the day & tell me not to do anything to get hurt. (climbing ladders/mowing grass etc…It may sound silly but with my disability it could be dangerous. Then the same week he left I asked for his help with the grass and things around the house because he said he would & he told me now I could do it myself and I needed to understand all he did for me. He made the remark he was no longer my “take care of things” person. Which brings me back to how after 8 years of him being genuinely concerned about me being safe could he just walk away. So much confusion!! I am even getting mixed signals… Please help me find a way to ask him these questions so that he might answer them for me . I feel I will be able to sense in my gut if I can cause him to put down this wall he has up. I would like to be able to talk to him and get some answers…
May 20, 2018 at 10:22 am #208295BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Could you recommend how I should carry on a conversation when & if we get together and talk? My goal would be to understand why he is so angry and see if the possibility of us talking about trying to salvage this is possible & if I get the gut feeling it is not I will just need to get the legal & financial items resolved and walk away~
Thank You~
Bella
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