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what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?

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  • May 20, 2018 at 11:08 am #208297
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    You are confused and I am too. I am confused about the eight years, such a long time. It doesn’t fit with the finality of the relationship, him being gone so completely from your life. I suppose he has the information that you need. Problem is,  whatever his reasons for not communicate with you  honestly so far, these are the same reasons that  will motivate him to not answer your questions,  or to not answer you honestly.

    There is the legal/ paper work issue and there is the issue of your confusion about why he left and why he left the way he did. You are also wondering about the future, or non-future of this relationship. Maybe you are wondering like I am wondering, if indeed he has a girlfriend.

    Without enough information I can’t answer your questions. Therefore I have questions for you:

    1. Before he left, what was the nature of the arguments you had? and how often?

    2. What hurtful things did he say to you when he lashed out, recently and over the eight years?

    3. Since he left, how often did you message him, were your messages often of an urgent kind, and were they very emotional? Did he answer at first(and for how long did he answer) before he stopped answering?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

    anita

     

     

     

    May 20, 2018 at 11:59 am #208301
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    We got up on a Beautiful Sunday morning to build a deck together on a piece of properly I purchased for us to build our home on I spoke about earlier.  He was working on the deck and asked me what I thought about the way the boards were being laid.  When I answered, for some reason and really out of his character he yelled and told me to finish what I was doing and leave him alone.  Then I went and started on another project which I needed his help, so he came around and told me it wasn’t a difficult task what was my problem.  My feelings were hurt and I told him I didn’t appreciate him speaking to me like he did and I was going home.  That I didn’t need to put up with his mouth and I could find someone that would treat me the way I deserved. (Out of anger)  He brought me home about 1 pm &  before he drove away he told me I had better watch myself, I asked him what he meant & he said I would find out soon enough, and  he didn’t come home until about 10 pm~I figured we would both cool off and all would be fine…

    Then the next evening he came home from work about 9 pm and I don’t remember what we spoke about, small talk & he went to bed.

    The next day he came home from work at lunch time which is very unusual for him & he got some of his things and told me he was moving out the next day (which I didn’t think he was serious) How do you find a place to live in 48 hrs.~I figured we would talk first.  He came home the next day and boxed up some of his things and I thought he was just getting enough clothes and maybe spend a few nights with a friend or something.  So, I just went to bed thinking once again we would cool off and all would be o k.  The next day is when I realized all of his dressers were empty/closets/all of his tools & huge Safe which weighs a lot. That’s when it started to hit home, he was gone…Then when his attitude changed and I felt like a stranger trying to talk to him.  That’s when I decided to let some time pass, I thought he would get over his anger…but now it is worse.  I don’t even feel like I can predict how he will respond to anything I say or do.  It’s almost like he hates me & I never existed~

    I didn’t text much when he left because I asked him to help me do a few things and he wouldn’t…i didn’t want to get angry so I just avoided him.  and no, he didn’t text back…About a month ago, out of the blue he said he was going to come over a check some things around the house but I was still hurt & told him not to come over…and then about a day or so later he texted “your Beautiful”, which he use to often say, but I didn’t respond.  I felt like he was playing games with me. I did run into him a few days later and I was upset and he asked if I would like a kiss, or a hug and I said no.  But I wasn’t mean, just hurt & he could have taken it the wrong way.  But every since that day he has been very evasive & shortly after is when he told me he had a girlfriend and cut off all communications with me~ It’s been about 2 weeks since he told me he had a girlfriend.  I am trying to remember the timeline, but is it so difficult with me getting more depressed and upset by the hr.  I am sorry, but you are doing a wonderful job at helping me to try and understand!

    Bella

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Bella.
    May 21, 2018 at 2:32 am #208391
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I re-read all your posts this very early morning.

    The easy part to figure is that indeed the legal matters with him have to be settled, back accounts, property paper work and such, all needs to be resolved as soon as possible.

    The more difficult part: what happened in this relationship leading to him leaving and what is happening in his mind currently.

    Key sentence (about your father): “I never saw or heard him do anything to upset my Mother…All he did was make her Happy & Love her. They were High School Sweet Hearts… That is the way I always thought men were supposed to treat women”

    I think that you expected your now ex boyfriend to be like your father, that is to never look angry or sound angry at you. To never do anything to upset you. To always make you happy. It was an unrealistic expectation and one that damaged the relationship.

    It is impossible for a man, a person, to never feel angry and to never appear or sound angry (even for your father). When your now ex boyfriend appeared or sounded angry, you viewed it as disrespectful, aggressive, very aggressive and abusive and communicated to him that his normal anger is disrespectful, aggressive and abusive. From what you shared here he did not abuse you and did not act aggressively against you. A person cannot help their face contorting some when feeling angry and their voice sounding somewhat angry when angry.

    I think you did not allow him to be angry, disapproved of the emotion and any appearance of it. I think he tried for a long, long time to be as not angry as possible, as patient as possible, tried really hard until he couldn’t, wouldn’t try any more.

    There is the element of him not wanting to deal with financial stuff, distress over such matters, his bad divorce experience, not being employed for two years earlier in the relationship.. but the thing that broke him in his relationship with you, reads to me, is you not allowing him the normal emotion of anger.

    If I am correct, there is a very slim chance to resurrect this relationship. If there is a chance it will be with you letting him know this very thing (if you agree with it), that I suggested here, opening a communication on the issue of anger, his … and yours. As the two of you are allowed to be angry.

    anita

     

     

     

    May 21, 2018 at 5:42 am #208405
    Bella
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

     

    A few things I don’t understand.  I did listen and talk to him about his broken marriage & when he was out of work…He was usually upset not angry at that point.  yes, he got angry and said mean things and I would deal with it in the first few years, it wasn’t that bad & even my friends commented how it was upsetting to them from they way he would say things to me that they were aware of.  So, I am sure I let him express his anger.

    It’s just this last year , or so he seemed to hold things in like when I told you earlier he would just go to bed.  But the things he always avoided talking about were feelings/Bills future plans etc…

    I remember one remark he made the day I told him we were not going to build a new house this summer and sell my house because if we couldn’t talk about everyday finances and life, how could we get through building a house together for 9 mos. and try to makes 100’s of decisions if we couldn’t discuss those topics.

    He didn’t comment on it in the moment , it was after he moved out…He said “I ruined his future & dreams)~He never explained exactly what he meant…But I feel it was because he really wanted to moved and build a new home…I am not cruel but the reason I made that decision is because I purchased the land, the home we were going to sell was mine & he does not have a dime to his name…I told him we needed to prepare for one another’s future and have wills made & take life insurance in case one of us passed away , so the other would be comfortable and would would just say. once again”don’t worry about it, you could just sell it and move again…I got tired of that stock answer for everything…”Don’t worry”  I looked at it as being responsible…

    I am beginning to think he never wanted any responsibility and I was an easy mark when he & his wife split.  I didn’t mention this until I really started thinking about things, but he had 3 children when he left her & has not seen any of them in 5 yrs.  I would encourage him to invite them over for diner and outings but he would say, “They will come around when they get older”  He also never spoke to his ex after the divorce.  Her father had purchased them a home when they got married and she kept it, so he had no where to go when we started our relationship & then he moved in with me.  He has never been responsible for things like that.  I am beginning to see that he just walks away from confrontation & responsibility.

    He did tell me one thing in the beginning of out relationship that I will always remember “I like SECURITY” My Aunt told me when she first met him that she felt he was using me for a place to live, but he seemed to love me so much I ignored it.

    I sent him a text Saturday reminding him of an appointment we had with an attorney today and he said he could call when he got back home yesterday (which he did not)~ Very irresponsible! I am the one paying for it because he could care less, he never pays bills on time…I am so angry I feel like marching down to his work and sitting all of this stuff in front of him and telling him to stop acting like a child.  I don’t want to do that.  Can you please tell me how to handle this situation (conversation I need to have concerning our finances together).

    I get it he has moved on/maybe he does hate me/I am not perfect and don’t feel it is ok for him to talk ugly and say mean things only to apologize afterwards and do it again& again…Yes, after a while I did tell him I wasn’t going to listen & be spoken to like that.

    Right now I would love your advice on when I talk to him, how do I approach it?  I will not text again, I am sick of that game & I feel sure he won’t answer the phone when he see’s the #…My only option is call his work phone, or go in person.  How should I start the conversation & watch and listen for so I don’t upset him more…I am afraid to go in person, but all he has to do is hang up the phone if I call…I don’t get it because yesterday when I received his text that he would call when he got in, I actually thought he would, and then again maybe he just did that to stall for time.  I am really confused.

    Bella

     

    May 21, 2018 at 6:09 am #208407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    My suggestion is that you give up completely any hope to resurrect a friendship and otherwise, a relationship with him.

    An option is to turn the financial/ legal issues that need to be resolved to an attorney who will represent you. The attorney will contact him and move things along toward a legal resolution.

    If an attorney is not an option then when planning your next contact with him, focus solely on the purpose or resolving the financial and legal matters and on nothing else. Don’t ask for him to fix anything in the house, your car, anything at all. Don’t mention the relationship otherwise, your feelings, your anger… nothing at all.

    Solely, the financial and legal matter. Nothing else.

    anita

    May 21, 2018 at 11:11 am #208533
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Ironic that he called right before I saw your response.  I wish I would not have answered the call.  It was doing fine because I actually did what you had suggested  before I read your post.  But, right before we hung up I asked him why he had so much anger towards me & he said it wasn’t anger it was disappointment for how he wasted the last 3 years of his life with us staying together.

    I asked him why he never said anything and he said he did.  I never remember him saying much of anything other than don’t worry about it & and come to bed it will be better tomorrow.  I am now realizing we had a bad communication problem & maybe I was unaware his trying to communicate with me.  Regardless, I know it is over…I do have a thought that will not stop haunting me, if he has been unhappy for 3 years , why did he let me get in a financial bind with the purchase of the land we were suppose to build on and why was he so persistent on me selling my house so we could build one together.  He said it was because he wanted to build our own memories together in a new home and all of this was in the last year.

    Also, the big fight really came up when I took the for sale sign out of the yard.  In my gut I feel since I had the control over the final decision on everything he just finally exploded.  I would tell him it was my house and I would sell it when ready.  I just let him talk me in to it earlier that I should have and when I realized it wasn’t going to work I made the decision not to sell.  That is the only thing I feel that could have caused all of the build up.  Everything we had was mine because he came into the relationship with nothing but his clothes and he really never cared about things…He did use to say everything belongs to you!  That is why I decided to purchase the piece of land so we could start fresh, it was just to overwhelming for me & when I told him I wasn’t ready to sell and build and made that decision is when he exploded and got so angry.  It saddens me to think that he would have put me in such a financial bind (he was the one that picked it out & made the decision for it to be our forever home) that I am in at the moment & could loose my home because of it.  I had to call the bank today & he knows how bad things are.  I guess what I am asking after you read this, is it possible he just stopped feeling like a man when I made all of theses final decisions…I found house plans he just purchase right before he left.  It just doesn’t make sense.  What do you make of it. It is very confusing for me because their are so many mixed signals even when I read all that has happened, but maybe you can shed some light for me.  Yes, I know it is over~

    Bella

    May 21, 2018 at 3:59 pm #208581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I was a way from the computer for a few hours and need to be away for the next 12 hours or so. I read part of your post above. Notice that he said that it wasn’t anger- that doesn’t mean he was not angry. People often don’t feel comfortable stating that they are or were angry and prefer to own other feelings instead, like disappointment. Also he told you that for the last three years he was disappointed- this is a retroactive assessment on his part, it may mean that he remembers feeling disappointed (and angry) at times three years ago, not always, not consistently all through the three years .

    Will read the rest when I am b ack and reply then.

    anita

    May 21, 2018 at 4:09 pm #208587
    Bella
    Participant

    Thank You very much Anita~ I look forward to your response.  You are so helpful, your post are more comforting than anything I have done so far…

    Anita, he is coming by tomorrow to sign some paper & I am happy for that.  You will be back in 12 hrs. would you please let me know how I should act towards him…After you read the above post, hopefully it will make sense & if not just throw some advice my way as how to handle his coldness and distance when he gets here.  It is going to be very difficult after what he told me in the above post…

    Thank you once again~

    Bella

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Bella.
    May 22, 2018 at 3:39 am #208635
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I read your new thread and re-read your posts on this thread. I agree with you that there was a serious communication problem between the two of you for a long, long time, maybe from the very beginning. And it is the two of you responsible for the poor communication.

    Your responsibility is, as I understand it to be, is that when he got angry (and he wasn’t abusive when he did), you responded to him as if he was a child who misbehaved, telling him “I didn’t appreciate him speaking to me like he did and I was going home. That I didn’t need to put up with his mouth and I could find someone that would treat me the way I deserved”.

    Good communication would have been to treat him respectfully when he was angry, to ask him then or later, what it is about, ask him gently and listen so to encourage him to be honest with you. Like I wrote to you before, seems like you didn’t allow him to be angry, and it is not realistic to do so.

    I think you ignored a whole lot during the relationship, preferring to not talk about things. “I figured we would both cool off and all would be fine… I decided to let some time pass, I thought he would get over his anger… I don’t remember what we spoke about, small talk & he went to bed”- you didn’t want to deal with his anger, he wasn’t allowed anger, and anger wasn’t discussed.

    When he did talk to you, you didn’t take what he said seriously: “The bad details he talked about were minor things and nothing to end a relationship over”. For him those things were not minor.

    Otherwise, and correct me if I am wrong, I am thinking that he worked a whole lot on your property, a property or properties that require a lot of upkeep. His work was an investment that carried no financial return for him, outside perhaps free room and board during the two years he was unemployed. He wanted to own property, maybe for the first time in his life (the house he shared with his ex wife was purchased by her father and he didn’t own it). He wanted that house he planned on co-owning with you. That would be his return-on-investment.

    Owning a house with you meant you had to sell the existing one. When you decided to not sell it, he felt that all his work on your property was indeed a waste of his time and energy, carrying no positive-return-on-investment.

    You wrote that you are going to see him today. As I see it, it will be two people who lost in this relationship, disappointed, like he told you. He sees you and the thought/ feeling he has is probably something like: I worked so hard, tried so hard…and for nothing.

    And so, if I was you, I would keep the meeting as business like as it can be. Get it over with, settle the legal matters and let him go.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts, feelings and an update regarding the meeting to be.

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 5:41 am #208683
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    After reading your response I feel like it is all my fault & maybe it is.  Confused & at this point I am just so upset thinking that to be true.  I hurt just thinking that is what I may have made him feel, but if it is I know in my Heart it is too late to tell him any different.

    I will take your advice & remain only business with him.  It will be very painful.  Please keep me in your thoughts today to help me through this terrible, but much needed conversation.

    I will give an update afterwards.

     

    Bella

    May 22, 2018 at 6:13 am #208691
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    It is not all your fault. The two of you are responsible for what happened in this relationship. I focused on your responsibility because I think that will help you to have a better future relationship with another man, later. But you have plenty of time to consider this. Too early to think of a future relationship.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and am looking forward to read your update.

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 12:28 pm #208809
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He came by & was nice, I could tell for the first time he was upset & I feel like him being so mean was to protect himself.  We took care of most of the needed discussion very peacefully.  He said he had a few things he would like to have and I told him he could take whatever he wanted.  He gave me a hug and of course I started crying and told him I was sorry.  He hugged me like he use to when we were happy.  He also told me he had been fired & rehired at his job because a past GM which he did not get along with came back to clean house.  He said he was behind on his child support and his ex threatened to have him put in jail for the late payments.  He said he may be homeless in the next few months and had a lot on his mind.  He also touched on why he left & I told him I was going to leave the door open and would not call or bother him, that it could be on his terms He said he Loved me and always would and wished we would have spoken earlier (which was confusing to me) I tried to express to him I cared and Loved him for who he was, not what he could do for me & I realized we were both at fault and I would like very much if we could talk in the future if he felt like calling.  He said he would…I don’t know if he will or not, but I feel better that we spoke and he knows how I feel.

    After your last few post it really made me realize he probably spent most of the relationship feeling I held the trump card over his head since most of our things were mine before the relationship.  Which I let him know that things don’t matter if he is not around.

    He did lash out before he left and told me he thought I was looking for a new life with a new man. He said the day he moved out he cried for a few days and several nights.  I asked him why he never expressed those feeling to me & he said he thought he did. I told him I had no interest in starting a new life with anyone, that my focus was to try and work on the 2 of us if possible.  He said he had to meet with his boss soon and needed to leave, then kissed me and walked me back into the house and drove away.

    That is it…I do feel better but am unsure about his feelings.  I know I can’t call him for several reasons, I don’t want to pressure him and if we talk I want for it to be his decision.  I am a bit unsure since his feelings were back and forth while he was here~ if he was just agreeing that he would consider getting together soon to talk so he could leave peacefully & didn’t want me upset again, or if he really meant it.

    What do you think?

    Bella

    May 22, 2018 at 12:48 pm #208811
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I think that if he may become homeless soon, like he said he might, then he will be motivated to move back in. Regardless of anything else, being homeless is a huge motivation to seek shelter.

    I think there is a lot for the two of you to talk about if he indeed wants to resume a relationship with you. Lots to talk about honestly and in a straight forward manner.

    First better find out if his motivation is to have a place to live, being homeless. If that is his motivation, you may offer him to live in your house without an intimate relationship (if that is possible..?), as a room-and-board+ exchange for upkeep work on the house, make it a reasonable exchange.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. When I am back  I will re-read your recent post and any post you may add to it and reply again then.

    anita

     

    May 23, 2018 at 7:21 am #208935
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I re-read your recent post. Better communication with him would be my first priority every time you do get together.

    You wrote: “He did lash out before he left and told me he thought I was looking for a new life with a new man”.

    I suppose he was referring to what you told him a couple of days before he left, that you will find a man who will love you and respect you, correct? Did you tell him that often, that if he doesn’t behave nicely, you will find a man who will?

    Another question, very important: what do you mean by “he did lash out before he left”- what did he say and do that you consider to be an act of lashing out?

    anita

    May 23, 2018 at 8:43 am #208955
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When I said he lashed out, it was the remark he made about me finding a new boyfriend.  Which I told him that was the least thing on my mind was a boyfriend and that I would focus on the 2 of us if he would be open to it.

    I must say my ex would bring up things from the past about women that I ignored.   It is not like he was perfect…He use to talk about his past girlfriends, I believe to get a rise out of me and also he would come home from work & tell me about how women at his work place thought he was so cute and he could take them out if he wanted, but he didn’t.  I always thought he was just trying to make me jealous & didn’t reply.  The reason I brought this up was because I was not one to bring up the “I can find someone to treat me right card” I was fed up with the way he spoke to me that day, is why I made that remark.

    He gave very mixed signals, one moment like his old self & then it seemed as if he would intentionally put himself in defensive mode.  I don’t know…I am starting to feel like I don’t want to play this game with him anymore.  I do care & Love him, but it is almost beginning to feel like a project & needs more energy that I have left to give at the moment.  It is absolutely draining me.  I slept better last night, but am actually starting to feel resentment towards him.  I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing at this point.

    Bella

     

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