I agree with Anita – your children are your number-one responsibility here.

To be honest, I’m a jealously-prone guy myself. It’s a terrible trait of someone who is insecure. While it’s not always the case, it seems that your boyfriend is jealous of the time you spend with your friends. He may also feel this way when you spend time with your children. Not sure as you didn’t indicate this either way. Of course, you must prioritize your children over any man you may be dating, friends, or anyone.

And, while you didn’t broach this, sex always complicates things even further. Always.

You need – and deserve – a guy who you are happy to be with. Someone you look forward to seeing and spending time with. Someone who is selfless – not selfish. Someone who is confident and secure enough to not “stew” at home after you give him an innocent “maybe” about coming over later. Honestly, I do feel for this guy as, like I said, I have been like him; weak, insecure and jealous (of my now spouse). Many guys get this way. It dovetails into a control issue, too. It’s hard and takes work. Just last night I slipped and got angry at my wife. She didn’t deserve my reaction and I should have handled it much better. It happens. That said, I believe you (just you, not the two of you) have two courses to choose from:

A.) If you want to work to keep this relationship (and all relationships take work), you need to make him aware that he is behaving poorly. But you must do this delicately as he is probably sensitive to any criticism. If you love him, tell him that, too. But also tell him that the time you spend with your girlfriend(s) is important to you. Lay some ground rules. He must learn to value what is important to you and you must do the same for him. Do NOT raise your voice (even if he does). Stay calm. Do NOT blow up at him nor call him names (e.g., “you’re being childish”), etc. That will only escalate things – as you have already seen happen.

B.) If you feel that this relationship is not worth keeping (and it may not be), or if you tried “A.” and he’s not responding well and all you’re feeling is anxiety from being with him, then politely say good-bye. Again, stay calm. A break up doesn’t have to be a blow up. Don’t accuse him of anything. Be an adult. “It’s just not working.”

And, as I said, keep your children as your number-one priority. Always!

Keep us posted.

Peace to you today, Blossom08.

Ninja

Dear Blossom08:

I very much like your assertion, that your children are your number one priority and that it is of utmost importance that you are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy so to take care of them, and therefore, indeed, this relationship is not worth keeping.

I agree with the latter because, as you wrote: ” On occasion I’ve had to tell him that a situation wasn’t as he say it was and then he’d say I was calling him a liar”- this tells me he is not even close to understanding his issues, that he is rigid.

Of course, it is sad that he had a bad childhood, as so many of us had. It takes competent psychotherapy to help a grown up like him. And a lot of it. You can’t heal him. The more you try, the more exhausted you will be and your efforts will NOT HELP him on the long run. On the other hand, your children do need you now for their current and lifetime mental health, and you CAN HELP them.

Post anytime.

anita

Dear Blossom08:

The more I read your posts, the clearer it becomes to me that you did the right thing, even if you were not a mother with your children as your first priority: the only way for a relationship with him is if he attended psychotherapy, individual sessions and couple therapy from time to time (same therapist).

In therapy, he would need to learn what projections are, notice that he makes inaccurate projections, get insight into the origins of his inaccurate projection (his childhood); he would need to learn to ask you when he projects so to verify if he projected accurately; he would have to learn to endure his distress, as when you spend time with others, without automatically reacting as in accusing you. He would need to learn to do his part so you don’t walk on eggshells, take responsibility for his feelings instead of blaming you for his feelings… and more.

Even if you were not a mother, this relationship would not have worked for your benefit. Or his. You would think that a man so needy of love would benefit from you loving him, but it doesn’t work that way. Childhood years are called Formative Years because the brain and millions of connections between nerve cells in the brain are formed. To put it in a simplistic way, his brain was formed with “I am not loved!” in it. And there is nothing you can do about it.

All the love, all the time, all the resources you would have invested in him would amount to, in ten years, twenty in the same I-am-not-loved connection in his brain that has been there from his childhood onward.

anita

Dear Blossom08 –

I am so glad that you have removed yourself and your children from this toxic individual. Anita was correct. And regardless of what his upbringing was like or what demons he may be facing, instead of building you up positively all he seemed to do was try to bring you down to his level. I have seen this too many times in others. It is wonderful that your eyes are open and you are strong enough to sever ties. Be strong. You are not responsible for him (and never were). Value yourself and your role as a mother.

If another man enters your life, I sincerely hope he is wonderful and cherishes you for all that you are!

Peace to you today.

Ninja