- This topic has 16 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.
October 24, 2016 at 10:59 am #118823
I lost my temper with my partner a few days ago and now hes split up with me we were together for nearly two and a half years.
It started a week ago when he asked me to come over to his place after I had been out with the girls on the upcoming friday and I said maybe without thinking as I was just leaving work and didn’t really know what was going to happen , where we would end up , would I drink, would I be driving etc.. He did’t like it then said I was being indifferent after we had such a good time at the weekend. I told him I just said maybe and tried explain why I said the maybe and that I wasn’t being indifferent. Next day he accused me of not wanting to make plans with him and that we don’t spend enough time together as it is. He wanted me to apologise for sounding indifferent even though I don’t think I did.
What really annoyed me was it seemed that every time i make plans with my friends , he gets into a mood, a couple months ago I was spending the week at his place and I went to see my best friend an her boyfriend, I was out for four hours . When I got back he told me it was strange that I would be comfortable going out without him with another couple. I said well i never thought about it like that( strange) because it was something we did often , her boyfriend is usually in the background anyways and doesn’t engage in our girl talk . he said well , i guess thats the way it is and the way it will always be . i explained that no not necessarily as sometime i will just spend time with my friend and sometimes with my friends and him and usually it’ll be just us, me and him and it really is ok like that . He said I just TOLD him how it was . A few weeks later I had got some really great results from an online course I did and i was so happy a few days later we were supposed to celebrate , he was in a strop and accused me of getting what i wanted ( passing the tests) so basically didn’t care about him now. I didn’t even know what to say to that as it took me by surprise .
So a few days ago I lost my temper, I must admit I was rude and used swear words( which is never good) because this would have been the third time in as many months that a positive was being turned into a negative. Thats how it felt to me . I mean I do understand that he wanted to spend time with me and was probably jealous but I don’t understand why it would be such a problem for me to say maybe or even no . He said he just wanted a date and after two years he has to beg for scraps and i expect him to just wait at home while i am out with my friend and maybe i’ll come and maybe I wont and maybe I’ll come pissed . I said wow all this and I only said maybe ? We didn’t even have a conversation? Before all that I has said lets try to work with what we have but he just went on and on and I lost my patience . When he has told me maybe i usually say ok darling just let me know . i am really sorry i lost my temper and swore at him , it was unkind and I did apologise now he won’t talk to me and has bought my things back to my house . I offered to call last night and he said no thanks . What now ?October 24, 2016 at 11:21 am #118826AnonymousGuest
Reads to me that he needs a partner who will place spending time with him on a higher priority; maybe a woman who has less of an independent-from-him social life. And you need a partner who has an independent-from-you social life, so you do your thing with your friends often enough, and he does his thing with his friends.
So, not a Match, I am thinking…?
anitaOctober 24, 2016 at 11:39 am #118830
I have to admit that we hadn’t spent much of time together since I started my new job ( two weeks ) and to be honest I worried about how i was going to juggle full time job kids and a relationship . I don’t have that much as a social life outside of him as I have about two or three friends I spend a couple hours with when I can which isn’t very often. once every 3-6 months . We saw each other loads when I was just working part time and now i’m not i thought maybe he would understand that it was a massive change for me and so was trying to cope . I hadn’t seen my friend in months and had cancelled the previous week due to child care issues ans spent the weekend with him instead, he has lots going on outside of us too , hes also self employed and so more flexible. I didn’t think I was making him less of a priority (now you say ) maybe i was ? I’m just very say and annoyed with myself for losing my temper and i am sorry 🙁October 24, 2016 at 1:01 pm #118837AnonymousGuest
Details make a whole lot of difference: didn’t know you have kids. Big difference. And you work full time, to support your kids, I figure. And as a side note, you only see your friends every 3-6 months. That means he may very well be unreasonable to expect you to spend more time with him than you have. After all, you being a mother is your number one responsibility.
It was my impression that you were a single, maybe younger woman who socializes outside your relationship quite often.
About you losing your temper and behaving abusively- that is regrettable, of course. It takes self control, on one hand, to control the expression of our anger. But it also takes planning and managing our lives so that we don’t experience too much distress. So, if your (ex) boyfriend was too demanding of your time, unreasonable in expecting you to not see your friends as rarely as you did, all while you are a full time, working mother- that was the wrong boyfriend for you, causing unnecessary distress in your life.
anitaOctober 25, 2016 at 10:26 am #118885
Dear Anita, thank you for your reply. You’re right, details are important and i guess I didn’t give him enough at the time . Youre also correct in saying about the planning and management and when I said “maybe ” that was what I was trying to do . I didn’t want to go over to his house drunk either as he is a recovering alcoholic (4 Years ) and me being intoxicated was not going to be fun for either of us . And i truly did not know exactly what was happening on the friday night as the details werent finalised. On top of that he was attending a convention that same evening , I told him when I said my friend was driving and not me he could have at least offered to pick me up, that may have helped .
I am not making excuses for my behaviour, I am so disappointed in myself, usually when i feel overwhelmed i try to take a step back and try to figure out if it is him or me ( especially when we argue) . I go off and talk to someone so as to get a different perspective on the situation and I am ok . If he says something i don’t like at the time I try not to respond or if he’s in a mood i give him space , i try not to engage negatively .Sometimes if he said or did something he’d apologise and say he’s not very well and I would always forgive him . I just can not understand why he can’t forgive me .
You are also correct in saying i don’t need someone that adds to the stresses of my life as it’s been a shock working full time and juggling the kids . I was also stressed out how to manage it all as I know he wants to spend time with me and I loved our time together and I love him, it just feels so unfair and it hurts so much 🙁
Blossom08October 25, 2016 at 11:00 am #118886AnonymousGuest
You already apologized for using swear words and being rude to him that one time. I wish you forgave yourself for that; we are not perfect beings, as you know.
I re-read your original post. Even first time I read it I noticed the word “accused”- him accusing you and it caught my eye. He accused you for being indifferent to him when you said “maybe” and he accused him for passing the tests following your online course and therefore, not caring for him anymore. The second accusation clearly is about him inaccurately projecting into you an issue from his past, way before he met you.
Regarding the fist accusation, you wrote: “He said…he has to beg for scraps and i expect him to just wait at home while i am out with my friend and maybe i’ll come and maybe I wont and maybe I’ll come pissed . I said wow all this and I only said maybe ?” My point too. This is not about your “maybe”- it is about him projecting, inaccurately, again, an issue from his past.
Someone, maybe a parent, was not there for him, neglected him, didn’t attend to him. Your “maybe” triggered that old experience.
It takes more than 4 years of sobriety, more than no longer drinking, to heal from childhood injuries. And he hasn’t yet. You wonder why he didn’t forgive you for your verbal outburst. My best guess is that …again, you triggered an old injury.
Your verbal assault at him is regrettable, of course. Also true, his past (childhood, most likely) issues came up again and again during your relationship with him, clouding his vision of reality. Without his healing, it was going to continue this way, creating unneeded distress in your life.
anitaOctober 25, 2016 at 11:02 am #118889NinjaParticipant
I agree with Anita – your children are your number-one responsibility here.
To be honest, I’m a jealously-prone guy myself. It’s a terrible trait of someone who is insecure. While it’s not always the case, it seems that your boyfriend is jealous of the time you spend with your friends. He may also feel this way when you spend time with your children. Not sure as you didn’t indicate this either way. Of course, you must prioritize your children over any man you may be dating, friends, or anyone.
And, while you didn’t broach this, sex always complicates things even further. Always.
You need – and deserve – a guy who you are happy to be with. Someone you look forward to seeing and spending time with. Someone who is selfless – not selfish. Someone who is confident and secure enough to not “stew” at home after you give him an innocent “maybe” about coming over later. Honestly, I do feel for this guy as, like I said, I have been like him; weak, insecure and jealous (of my now spouse). Many guys get this way. It dovetails into a control issue, too. It’s hard and takes work. Just last night I slipped and got angry at my wife. She didn’t deserve my reaction and I should have handled it much better. It happens. That said, I believe you (just you, not the two of you) have two courses to choose from:
A.) If you want to work to keep this relationship (and all relationships take work), you need to make him aware that he is behaving poorly. But you must do this delicately as he is probably sensitive to any criticism. If you love him, tell him that, too. But also tell him that the time you spend with your girlfriend(s) is important to you. Lay some ground rules. He must learn to value what is important to you and you must do the same for him. Do NOT raise your voice (even if he does). Stay calm. Do NOT blow up at him nor call him names (e.g., “you’re being childish”), etc. That will only escalate things – as you have already seen happen.
B.) If you feel that this relationship is not worth keeping (and it may not be), or if you tried “A.” and he’s not responding well and all you’re feeling is anxiety from being with him, then politely say good-bye. Again, stay calm. A break up doesn’t have to be a blow up. Don’t accuse him of anything. Be an adult. “It’s just not working.”
And, as I said, keep your children as your number-one priority. Always!
Keep us posted.
Peace to you today, Blossom08.
NinjaOctober 25, 2016 at 12:23 pm #118901
Dear Anita and Ninja, Thank you both so much for your replies , they both bought tears to my eyes as I can relate to what you both have written. Anita, yes my ex partner had a difficult childhood and to this very day he has not dealt with what he has gone through, have not forgiven his parents for their neglect of him and therefore have not healed and so it makes it very difficult sometimes to get him to understand that if I say no or maybe it doesn’t mean I don’t love him or I don’t want to be with him .Or if I don’t apologise right away it’s about how I am feeling and not about him 🙁
Ninja, yes he has indicated on more than one occasion that he is jealous of the relationship I have with children, he has said before that I am so close to my children when we are together,he feels left out . I told him I am so happy that we are close but that it doesn’t meant there is no space for him .
I have tried talking calmly or not at all because i know how he gets , I know he is jealous and insecure and I do try to reassure him and I tell him I love him every day, Like I said earlier if we argue i take a step back and try never to respond negatively or harshly . He says he knows he gets things wrong and hurts me and so I asked him for us to get help. He can swing from he knows he hurts me to nothing being wrong with him. I’m sure that sometimes I don’t listen well enough to what he is actually saying and I do believe he distorts reality . On occasion I’ve had to tell him that a situation wasn’t as he say it was and then he’d say I was calling him a liar. It is hard but maybe as much as it hurts me , this relationship is not worth keeping after all . My children are my number one priority which means ( to me ) it is of the utmost importance that I be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy or I won’t be able to take care of them. thank you both so much , I am grateful for your words and your time .
xxxOctober 25, 2016 at 7:30 pm #118921AnonymousGuest
I very much like your assertion, that your children are your number one priority and that it is of utmost importance that you are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy so to take care of them, and therefore, indeed, this relationship is not worth keeping.
I agree with the latter because, as you wrote: ” On occasion I’ve had to tell him that a situation wasn’t as he say it was and then he’d say I was calling him a liar”- this tells me he is not even close to understanding his issues, that he is rigid.
Of course, it is sad that he had a bad childhood, as so many of us had. It takes competent psychotherapy to help a grown up like him. And a lot of it. You can’t heal him. The more you try, the more exhausted you will be and your efforts will NOT HELP him on the long run. On the other hand, your children do need you now for their current and lifetime mental health, and you CAN HELP them.
anitaOctober 26, 2016 at 12:32 pm #118970
Dear Anita, I love your words and your insight, thank you .
Yesterday I was feeling brave, today I am not. The pain is overwhelming and closes my throat, I have been telling myself that I am ok when the thoughts come , they go from i was wrong, I was unkind , I should have done better to I did the best I could at the time, I am allowed to make mistakes , I am only human , I have decided to forgive myself . I too feel for him but I know that I can not help him in anyway and because I love him I have tried to help by watching my words and actions . I guess if it wasn’t me losing my temper it would have been something else that triggered such a response and I would have been here sooner or later . I have thought….. would it have been the close relationship I have with my children or me excelling in my new job, would I have to dumb down the successes of my children and even my own success?, try not to be too happy when I spend time with good friends , say yes to all the things I didn’t like , have sex when I don’t want to, even when I am too ill or too tired ? Would he perceive it all as rejection or make him feel inferior somehow ? That is no way for anyone to live.
Rigid is a good word,one I have used to describe him .
Just my thoughts and feelings , I know it will get easier, I will keep posting and reading. Thank you all for your support .
Peace and love to all xx
Blossom08October 26, 2016 at 6:54 pm #118990AnonymousGuest
The more I read your posts, the clearer it becomes to me that you did the right thing, even if you were not a mother with your children as your first priority: the only way for a relationship with him is if he attended psychotherapy, individual sessions and couple therapy from time to time (same therapist).
In therapy, he would need to learn what projections are, notice that he makes inaccurate projections, get insight into the origins of his inaccurate projection (his childhood); he would need to learn to ask you when he projects so to verify if he projected accurately; he would have to learn to endure his distress, as when you spend time with others, without automatically reacting as in accusing you. He would need to learn to do his part so you don’t walk on eggshells, take responsibility for his feelings instead of blaming you for his feelings… and more.
Even if you were not a mother, this relationship would not have worked for your benefit. Or his. You would think that a man so needy of love would benefit from you loving him, but it doesn’t work that way. Childhood years are called Formative Years because the brain and millions of connections between nerve cells in the brain are formed. To put it in a simplistic way, his brain was formed with “I am not loved!” in it. And there is nothing you can do about it.
All the love, all the time, all the resources you would have invested in him would amount to, in ten years, twenty in the same I-am-not-loved connection in his brain that has been there from his childhood onward.
anitaOctober 30, 2016 at 1:01 pm #119201
Again, thank you .
I have read and re-read your post and wonder if someone like my ex is capable of love . If his brain is wired with ” I am not loved ” does that mean he is incapable of real love ? or that he might be but finds it difficult somehow ?
He got in contact and asked for his keys back, I said no problem he was cold then he was nasty. He started telling me how miserable I was and how volatile and how rude I am . At first I laughed , as this same man would tell me how big I am on being mannerly even when I am angry and here he is telling me I am volatile and rude and disrespectful . I said , stop projecting and go count the amount of times on his hand that I have lost my temper in this relationship . He said he didn’t have to do anything . I showed my friend the conversation, she asked me what planet he was on as I am one of the least rude or volatile people she has known . She even said how it seemed as if he couldn’t tolerate me being happy ? In all that it felt as if he has somehow turned me into a monster or someone I ( or my friend ) barely recognised . I first imagined that it was some kind of coping mechanism to demonise me so that he wouldn’t have to face up to his own demons? I just found it really upsetting and very hurtful, maybe that was the intention in the first place not to get the keys back but use them as am excuse to hurt me , share his pain ?
I am glad that I have not given ten or twenty years of my life and my children’s lives to this relationship.
Blossom08October 30, 2016 at 2:36 pm #119206NinjaParticipant
Dear Blossom08 –
I am so glad that you have removed yourself and your children from this toxic individual. Anita was correct. And regardless of what his upbringing was like or what demons he may be facing, instead of building you up positively all he seemed to do was try to bring you down to his level. I have seen this too many times in others. It is wonderful that your eyes are open and you are strong enough to sever ties. Be strong. You are not responsible for him (and never were). Value yourself and your role as a mother.
If another man enters your life, I sincerely hope he is wonderful and cherishes you for all that you are!
Peace to you today.
NinjaOctober 30, 2016 at 4:22 pm #119216AnonymousGuest
You asked (no one in particular): “If his brain is wired with ‘I am not loved’ does that mean he is incapable of real love ?” I like questions like this so I will attempt to answer…
My answer is a simple YES: he is incapable of real (reliable, dependable) love.
When a person is wired with the message: “I am not loved”- the moment, in the context of a relationship, that he feels distress (sick, tired, lonely, uncomfortable, etc.)- the message is activated. Once the message is activated, he feels ANGER, not affection.
So in between his distresses (as you walk on eggshells so his message doesn’t get activated) he may be affectionate, but inevitably he will feel distress.
You saw him when he picked his keys: distressed -> message activated-> angry (cold and nasty). I too am glad that you “have not given ten or twenty years of my life and my children’s lives to this relationship”
anitaNovember 8, 2016 at 3:26 pm #119960
Dear Ninja and Anita thank you for your responses .
Just to let you know, I have been feeling better already. I feel as if i can breathe. I didn’t realise that I was holding my breath every day . You responses gave me the strength I needed to break and stay free of my toxic situation and to reassure me that it was the right decision. It is wonderful that the positives that I am experiencing in my new job and in my life is remaining positive and not being twisted or dragged down into a negative.
Well the ex contacted me by email ( found it in my spam email ) at around 6 this morning, I found it later in the day and just seeing his name there in front of me in black and white filled me with such fear/dread and thats before I read the email. He said he was just checking to see if I was ok and that he misses me , not how I treated him but miss me . I found it incredulous, my first thought was..Is he crazy ? And then I thought it was some bad joke . next thought…I actually don’t miss you. It wasn’t nice feeling that fear/dread and it did make me wonder if that was how I was existing/living in the relationship, in fear? . Was it there all along or did it just show up after the relationship came to an end?
I deleted the email, don’t want to see it and will continue to delete any that find their way into my spam or junk . I have managed to block him on everything else and will keep it that way . I won’t be reading any of his messages, none ,I won’t be reeled back into that madness , because that’s how it felt on many an occasion , like madness . I like not having to walk on egg shells or watch my words .
🙂 I am grateful,THANK YOU ALLxx