What should I do when he wants to find himself?

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This topic has 16 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 4, 2016 at 7:51 am #94940

Anonymous
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Dear Thrownback:

You posted on a thread that has been inactive for 8 months, and your post is all about your personal experience, so I feel comfortable addressing your post:

You are in a distressing situation right now and it will take time to disentangle yourself from it, one step at a time. There are things to do right now and things to think about later on.

He says he needs to find himself, that is he broke up with you AND he has the pattern of doing so and coming back to you… and you have the pattern of allowing this to happen. So, as far as your kids, I wouldn’t communicate to them anything about a breakup and future of them seeing the guy, or not, because I don’t think you know yet what is going to happen. Whatever it is that is going to happen, if I was you, I would do everything in my power to give and maintain a calm and safe environment, home, for your children.

And there is the very important issue of your mental well being, important for your children and for yourself. Whatever happens with your boyfriend or ex boyfriend, needs to be something that promotes your mental well being, not what damages it.

If you would like we can communicate back and forth about your situation. What do you think about what I wrote so far and what is the situation right now, more of your thoughts…

anita

May 21, 2018 at 7:46 am #208399

Ladybug
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This has been quite comforting and im aswel looking for guidance. My boyfriend of 2 and half years asked for a break from the relationship. he is very goal driven and lately he hasnt been doing so well is hes career and stopped believing in himself. I didnt realise how serious this affected him and he always kept a brave face. he became a little distant emotionally and battled to motivate himself to get things done within the last few months and i at the time took it that he was just being lazy and forgetful so we would always get into arguments trying to get him to take initiative. He is a MMA athlete and he has recently faced a loss and because this has happened before he took a week break from the relationship to figure things out and wasnt sure of he was going to get back together with me. which by the end of that week he did. since then alot has happened and we have moved in together and things are great, he seemed to be getting quite serious into having a future with me. But like i said 2 weeks ago he asked a break and only this time he said he doesnt know how long it will take or if he will get back together with me. he said he needs to recreate himself so that he can be his best self. well i practically went into depression because i completely invested everything into a man who encouraged me to feel safe and secure with him. we also live together so we still share a life together. He still cuddles me at night, we laugh and talk, and we even have sex (we try to keep it purely physical) we gym together and havent told anyone about us being on a break. Although the daily intimate kisses, hugs and eye contact has stopped we still carry a normal life together. we agreed that we wont mess with anyone else until we are clear of whats happening between us. I have been there for him through everything and i truly believe him and i are meant for eachother. so ive been working on myself during this time and i give him as much space as possible. i try a little hot and cold behavior towards him just so that he doesn’t get comfortable with the convenience of having me whenever he wants. i spent the weekend away from him for the first time and i could tell that he missed me and was very attracted to the energy i brought home. i have faith that once he feels stable and confident in himself again he will make room for me again but i may just be looking for every reason to have home. Any opinions?

June 18, 2018 at 7:34 am #212893

thoughtful
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Hello everyone,

I am dealing with a similar situation. I have been in my relationship for 6 yrs and we have a child together. We have been having a rocky yr together and sometime its hard to talk to him. Since January he has told me that he feels like we are growing apart and due to that we took some space(a week) and got back and we were wonderful for a month. Once that month ended we began arguing again not being able to just talk about our issues. Now he moved out and i am trying to figure out how am i going to co-parent with my feelings in this mix. He tells me he loves me some much but we have to see if this is worth being together and what are we doing wrong…But he only sees the negative and all the positive we have goes out the window..he tells that he need to find himself and focus because he can not fully love me if he cannot love himself and that this can take a while but he just doesn’t know… Its not that i do not understand, I just don’t know how to deal with it because hes still around and we talk everyday not just for the baby but being cordial about the situation.. sometime my child would mention his dad and want to do things as a family and it breaks my heart.. I’ve talked to him about this and he tells me this is a good time to realize everything and that he cant help if i decide to move on even if it hurts him and just the same for him that he might decide us apart might be best but hes lost..I know i have to focus on me and I do and but as soon as i feel like things are getting better he calls and i am back to square 1.. I just don’t know what to do ? I always thought we where stronger than this and now i feel lost..What am I supposed to do?
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