November 22, 2018 at 11:55 am #240345
I’ve been struggling with major depression for years now and it’s gotten to the point where no decision feels right anymore. I started college last year and came home after a semester because I convinced myself it wasn’t the right school and that I needed to get help for my mental health which was true at the time. I then went to a new school this fall that I chose last minute out of fear and anxiety over the other school I had planned on attending and I have been miserable all semester. I THEN decided to apply to my favorite university as a child (The Ohio State University) and I got in after being rejected freshman year and thought to myself “this is it. this is where I should be. I will finally be happy.” But I’ve been having so much fear and doubt towards going and don’t even know if I am anymore. I’m scared to go and have it not work out. To go and realize that I don’t love it as much as I thought I did. I really don’t want to stay at the school I’m at now because I am not passionate about it whatsoever. I don’t know where to apply anymore. I don’t know if I will EVER feel confident about a school or feel that it is right. I so quickly convince myself that something is wrong and I am not happy and cannot get myself to give anything a chance. I don’t know what to do and I feel this way in all areas of my life. I’ve been stressing over this decision so for long that I’m physically ill, my hair is falling out, I can’t sleep, and my depression feels worse than ever. I truly don’t know what to do or what will be best for me. I don’t know if I want to go anywhere else for an education. I’m terrified of not loving Ohio State and don’t know if this uneasy feeling in me is truly just fear or my intuition saying I shouldn’t go.
I have felt so incredibly lost for so long and like I have no clue who I am or what I want in life. I don’t know where I belong or where I want to be. I don’t know if I want to be on one side of the country or the other and I’ve spent a countless amount of time researching schools and asking myself what feels right and meditating and writing my feelings and talking to people yet I continue to feel more lost as each day passes. I feel like I am wasting my time. I don’t want to constantly feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I don’t want to hate my location and constantly packing up and moving. I just want something to feel RIGHT. Please help me through this.November 22, 2018 at 12:40 pm #240393
I think that there is no one school that will feel just right, not one solution that will bring you a perfect peace of mind at this time. Aiming at feeling better, at making some progress is a good enough aim.
Did you attend counseling or psychotherapy for your depression and indecision? If so, what happened there?
I will soon be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. If you reply I will be glad to post again to you when I return. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.
anitaNovember 22, 2018 at 2:24 pm #240425
I’ve been in therapy for a year and have tried many antidepressants. I never made progress though regardless of seeing specialists and trying various doses of meds. I keep telling people I have an issue with being indecisive and they just tell me it’s the depression. I guess it’s supposed to mean that once my depression is gone then I’ll no longer have the issue, but the depression will not go away and keeps getting worse regardless of treatment. I feel extremely stuck in this state of mind.November 23, 2018 at 4:54 am #243687
I used to feel painfully indecisive myself, unable to make choices, paralyzed in indecision. Through psychotherapy, although late in life, and following a process of ongoing healing, I am able to make decisions that I wasn’t able to do before. When before I questioned every possibility, now things are clear, way clearer than before. The way I am still preparing myself to make bigger decisions is to make smaller decisions first.
Choosing a school is a big decision, but what about the smaller decisions… if you practice the smaller decisions, you too will prepare yourself for the bigger decisions.
Can you, or will you make a list of the small decisions you are facing in a day, from the moment you wake up?
anitaNovember 25, 2018 at 7:47 am #248401
I’m in a similar situation. This fall I transferred from a community college to my local state school. I went to the first week of classes and then i dropped all of my courses. The entire summer i was a nervous wreck and was constantly overwhelmed with anxiety. I was worried about the decisions i had made and i constantly thought about how every thing could turn out wrong. And so i gave up and now i’m not working toward anything. That was the choice i made. I still don’t know if that was the right decision, but i am owning my choice.
I too feel lost and I don’t know what I wish to do with my life. I don’t have any advice to give. But it’s going to be okay. I agree with anita, there is not one thing that is going to make you feel like you have it right. Instead of striving for perfection, give yourself credit for trying and making progress.
I understand why you’re afraid of the school not working out for you, but don’t let fear stop you. I am sending you love and good wishes.