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What to do when your gut tells you the break up isn't right?

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  • November 29, 2016 at 4:03 am #121441
    K
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,
    I’m finding so much comfort knowing I’m not alone in my sadness. Thank you. My partner of 8 years just decided to leave me this past weekend. We had been dealing with his unhappiness over the past year and a half and this summer he took a break from us to get space. The break included going to see a counsellor together and going on some dates. He said he needed to miss me again. I took the break really hard, focusing on the fact that he might not come back. I started to grieve the end of our relationship. Three weeks ago he moved back in after a counselling session where I had said I was done with the break because it wasn’t fixing anything, and that if we were going to work things out, we needed to be together. He came back three weeks ago, but kept himself busy with other obligations. We only spent about 4 or 5 nights together. And now he is gone. He said he needs to go because nothing has changed for him. He’s not sure if he’s in love with me and needs to be on his own. I pleaded with him not go because we hadn’t given it a fair chance. He agreed that leaving might not be the right decision, but it was all he can do now. I feel rocked to my core because I know this isn’t the right decision. He said he didn’t want to get my hopes up, but maybe after sometime apart, he’d feel it again. I realize that the break and now this break up are things he needs. There is something going on in him that’s bigger than I can fix. But, that doesn’t make this any easier. He hasn’t tried to contact me at all and I so badly want to give him the space he wants, but it’s so, so hard. The pain I’m feeling is incredible. I can’t sleep or eat (which is crazy because I’m so good at both of those things!) We also work together and share most of the same friends. I love this man so much and would do anything for him and have for the past 8 years. I know I have to let him go and hope he finds his way back to me. In the meantime, I need to focus on me. Pick myself up and find out who I am without him. I have really been allowing myself to feel the intensity of the emotions and have been reaching out to my family and friends for support, which are both things I’ve never been good at. I’ve been reading a lot about dating yourself and I love the concept. I’m also going to keep visiting my counsellor, to ensure my grieving process is done in a healthy way. I’m just wondering if there is anyone who has let someone go only to have them find there way back on their own? I know I can’t dwell on him coming back because that means I’m not really letting him go, but it’s always nice to hear that it can happen. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
    sunshine82

    November 29, 2016 at 7:16 am #121447
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sunshine82:

    My summary of your post: You had an eight year relationship with a man who, for 1.5 years was unhappy in the relationship with you. He ended the relationship last summer but attended couple counseling with you and had a few dates with you since the summer breakup. This month, November, he moved back in with you but was busy much of that time elsewhere, then he left again, stating that nothing changed for him, that he is not sure if he is in love with you that he needs to be on his own. You pleaded with him not go. He said that maybe after some time apart, he will feel (in love) again. The pain you are feeling is incredible. You work together and share most of the same friends.

    You have been allowing yourself to feel the intensity of your emotions and reaching out to my family and friends for support, reading a lot about “dating yourself”, and you are going to keep visiting my counsellor, to ensure your grieving process is done in a healthy way.

    You are wondering if there is anyone who has let someone go only to have them find their way back on their own, but you know that dwelling on him coming back means you are not really letting him go.

    My thoughts: The positive things you are doing are allowing yourself to feel what you feel, reaching out to supportive family and friends, reading helpful material, and intending to visit a competent counsellor.

    Regarding your wondering if the reader has “let someone go” only to have them “find their way back on their own”- reads to me like he left on his own, without you letting him go. Reads to me that he didn’t make his decision to leave lightly, because he attended counseling with you over a few months.

    Regarding the two of you working together, in what context? Are you two employees? Is his job depending on you in some way?

    anita

    November 29, 2016 at 2:17 pm #121503
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m so sorry. You sound heart broken, and it can be really hard to let go, especially after such a long time.

    But I don’t agree with your gut on this. Your guy wanted to go, he thought it over, he tried to fix it, and he still wanted to go. He’s gone. I’m sorry, but he’s gone.

    Look after yourself, and stop hoping for his return. I don’t think it would be good for either of you, even if it did happen.

    November 29, 2016 at 6:05 pm #121522
    Isabelle
    Participant

    I know the feeling of hoping someone will return to you but I think it is a false hope that we make for ourselves to soften the pain of our broken hearts. 8 years is a really long time so I can only imagine the intensity of the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. In time though, when your heart heals a little more and you can breath and think a little more easily you might also realize that the breakup was for the best. If he is not in love with you anymore then staying with him would only hurt you more. I agree with what Monklet and I know these words are not comforting to you right now but if anything I do think that he loves, cares and respects you enough to let you go when he felt it was not right anymore instead of leading you on and making your pain worst. Your breakup is really recent and you need to give yourself time to heal try to take it one day at a time and let yourself feel your emotions without judging yourself. It is great that you are seeing a counselor and that you are taking time to rediscover and take care of yourself.

    November 30, 2016 at 4:46 am #121571
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi K,

    The title of the post says it all: “What to do when your gut tells you the break up isn’t right?”

    That is implying that YOU have control over whether the relationship continues. Two people have to say “Yes” for a relationship to exist. Two virtual strangers can meet and a second later be in a relationship. However, even if two people had been together for ten years and one partner says “No” the other person could spend the next decade lamenting, debating the break up, contacting the other, etc., etc. and it will still not be a relationship.

    The hard truth is that your BF, after eight years, has said “No”.

    To answer your question, YES, they do (sometimes) come back. But would you really want him then? It would be sometime in the 2020’s, when you are strong, vibrant and happy. He will be miserable and going over his “little black book” (or whatever the technology contact info will be then). He won’t be as handsome, and could be described as “sad”. He’ll call you and he’ll hear your husband and children laughing happily in the background. Surprised that you moved on quite well without him, he’ll mutter that he just called to see how you “are”.

    The breakup will turn out to be a blessing, you’ll see.

    And always remember: “He asked for it!”

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
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