May 22, 2019 at 12:22 pm #295199
Sure Anita, I am willing to hear from you further.
I would appreciate if she behaved more like a co-worker than sending in similar type of emotions that I maybe vulnerable to but I cannot change what happened and should think of what would be next best for me.May 22, 2019 at 12:46 pm #295205
“sending in similar type of emotions”- would you like to elaborate on what you mean by similar-type-of-emotions that she is sending you?
* I will soon be away from the computer for a while, and be back in about 17 hours from now.
anitaMay 23, 2019 at 12:06 pm #295347
I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, I don’t think am not drawn to her for validation/love it is only a cordial relationship that I expect more mutual I would say, in this coworker’s case it is about priorities and avoidance from her end.
Similar type of emotions I meant is knowing how a person might react in certain situations.
Please let me know.
Thank you.May 23, 2019 at 12:53 pm #295361
You wrote: “I don’t think am not drawn to her for validation/ love it is only a cordial relationship that I expect more mutual”- I am trying to understand:
– do you mean that you do not seek validation and love from her, that you are not drawn to her that way, and that your only interest is to have a cordial, professional relationship at work, and that is all?
(I will be away from the computer for a while).
anitaMay 23, 2019 at 12:58 pm #295365
Yes that is correct Anita; sure will await your valued feedback.May 23, 2019 at 2:15 pm #295371
Only yesterday you wrote about a recent interaction with your co worker: ““(I) asked her if I could join her for lunch.. I was hurt.. Later on she pinged me .. I said: ‘because you don’t have time for me… I don’t think I asked much from you… I was very raged out and stood by her desk demanding an explanation”.
After I suggested to you that I see a parallel between your relationship with your female, older co worker and your relationship with your mother, that your “thirst of validation” was born in the context of your relationship with your mother and it extends to your relationship with this co worker”, you wrote: “yes I see the parallel you are seeing; few years ago I had realized that I am seeking validation from outside because of my relationship with my mother”.
If you see this parallel, do you see how intensely (“very enraged”) you desire her attention, what you call, validation, wanting it beyond a mutual cordial relationship?
* I will be away from the computer and back in about 16 hours from now.
anitaMay 23, 2019 at 2:23 pm #295375
The rage is due to purposeful ignorance that I have noticed between her and other coworkers vs me.May 24, 2019 at 6:51 am #295441
You want a cordial relationship with this woman. Say “hello” or “good morning” to her when you come across her first thing, at work. Talk to her only about work matters if you need to, because your job requires that you communicate with her about this or that matter. Say please if you ask for her help regarding the work matter and thank you if she helps you, then move away from her and resume your work. In the breakroom, if you see her and there is an eye contact, smile but don’t join her. If she asks you to join her and you want to, join her and keep the conversation very small-talk, nothing personal.
Let’s look at recent interactions you had with her: “you don’t have time for me.. I don’t think I asked much from you”, you told her recently after you found her eating with a colleague after you asked her to join her for lunch, expecting her to eat only with you, not with another colleague.
“I was raged out and stood by her desk demanding an explanation to which she asked me to calm down”- you were gone for three weeks on vacation and you felt that you deserved one-to-one lunch time with her at the breakroom after being gone for so long. You felt hurt and rage.
She told you: “You have been doing this drama for quite some time now… I am not avoiding you on purpose but you have these dramas every now and then so I have already distant myself”-
– these dramas, that is, your rage, that does not allow a friendship with her, and demanding a friendship with her will not get you a friendship with her. Really, you have no other choice but be cordial and only that.
Your thirst for validation, a thirst for personal attention, that is a thirst of many years, an intense thirst. It causes you to pay attention to every imaginable offense and take it as such. You interpret events as people being rude to you and you react as if they were rude to you. For example, she sat with another colleague for lunch when you expected of her to be there only with you. But what was she to do if she is sitting there for lunch and the other employee asks her if she can join her, she said yes, maybe thinking that you will join the two of them, not intending to hurt you?
And she is trying to avoid you, this is also true, she said it herself: “I have already distant myself”, because you are too intense, too thirsty… and it is not comfortable for her.
Attend to this thirst, so that you can experience more calm in the workplace and elsewhere in life, will you?
anitaMay 24, 2019 at 10:17 am #295535
What you explained in your first paragraph of the response; that is exactly what I have been doing for more than a year now.
” expecting her to eat only with you, not with another colleague.” yes because it was pre-decided.
” deserved one-to-one lunch time with her at the breakroom ” not deserved in a sense but again it was pre-decided.
“You have been doing this drama for quite some time now… I am not avoiding you on purpose but you have these dramas every now and then so I have already distant myself”-: Well I have been the one who has distant myself, you tell me if you have distant yourself from someone would you reach out to that person over skype, email and small talk almost on a daily basis? And if I was the one doing that drama would not I have similar experiences with other colleagues/friends or even outside?
” demanding a friendship with her will not get you a friendship with her” No I am not demanding, i was happy being distant and cordial but conversations have been initiated from her as explained above.
“that is a thirst of many years, an intense thirst. It causes you to pay attention to every imaginable offense and take it as such. You interpret events as people being rude to you and you react as if they were rude to you”: Agreed on that but I have many other friends/coworkers etc. where I have not had such experience.
“But what was she to do if she is sitting there for lunch and the other employee asks her if she can join her, she said yes, maybe thinking that you will join the two of them, not intending to hurt you?” If this was the case I would have texted her in advance that someone else has joined but come and we will continue our convo later on.
“And she is trying to avoid you, this is also true, she said it herself: “I have already distant myself”, because you are too intense, too thirsty… and it is not comfortable for her.” I just read a quote on tinybuddha yesterday that you are not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay maybe it is the case with her.
From what I know about her past experiences is that she was being told by her older group that she is the one indulges in “dramas” maybe she wanted to throw it at someone else?
All I would expect is initiation from her for closure and being only professional colleagues.May 24, 2019 at 10:29 am #295543
I didn’t know that you and her decided to have lunch in the breakroom just you and her. That makes a difference, of course. And if I understand correctly, she contacted you repeatedly, “skype, email and small talk almost on a daily basis” – meaning she pursued you while complaining then (or later) that she has a problem with you being dramatic, saying she is distancing herself from you?
Did I understand correctly, that she displays contradictory behavior, being crazy-making this way, getting closer to you then pulling away, close again then far away?
anitaMay 24, 2019 at 10:47 am #295551
Yes Anita that is accurate; getting close then pulling away as and when suited to her.
My reason to start this thread with my question trying to understand what type of friendship is this; with your and other members suggestions I decided to maintain that balance and keep the relation cordial and more professional.
“meaning she pursued you while complaining then (or later) that she has a problem with you being dramatic” : Yes she was pursuing me; not complaining then but in a sense tried to get closer and moved away when she wants it saying she cannot handle my drama.May 24, 2019 at 11:12 am #295557
I think I understand better at this point, I hope I do. I suppose you do have that thirst of validation (I keep seeing the name you use I blue, so I use it in my posts). And she has her… own whatever it is that motivates her. I don’t know what it is, but it is not good for you. Her motivation is not honest, she is not clear or straightforward. Of course it is best to not have a personal relationship with her and it is best to keep the relationship superficial and cordial, strictly within the workplace context.
Better not ask her to have lunch with you again, just the two of you. Better give up the hope for anything beyond getting along smoothly in the workplace. The closeness she had at times with you, you cannot depend on it and it hurts to lose it again and again.
Better form friendships with people who are clear and not confusing, people who are predictable enough, honest in their dealings with others.
Please let me know if you want any more of my input on the matter, and if so, specifically what it may be.
anitaMay 24, 2019 at 11:49 am #295571
Thanks alot Anita, I feel at ease now and my questions answered.
You are right the at times closeness is going to hurt again in a similar or worse way.
Will maintain professional behavior only in the workplace context.
I was easily getting caught between the getting close and putting away cycle.May 24, 2019 at 12:10 pm #295581
You are welcome.
“getting caught between the getting close and putting away cycle” is unhealthy for anyone. You want reliable people in your life, people who you can count on, whose behavior you can predict to a reasonable extent. Do post again on this thread or a new one anytime you want and I will be glad to reply to you.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by anita.