Dear singhcool:

On this thread and in your update you shared that you moved to the US when you were 10 and did not see your father ever since, ten years ago. You lived with your uncle in the US, but he treated you like an outcast and a slave. You had to work for him so to pay for your living expenses. Your mother lived with you and your uncle, but she too worked for him and you hardly had any time with her. Other relatives made fun of you.

What a child need is a safe home where you are not made fun of, but instead valued and protected from harm. You needed an adult to look at you with affection in their eyes, saying with that look: “I am so glad you are here. So glad you are in my life. This is your home. I will take care of you, teach you and protect you.

Without that welcome and attention, we disconnect from our emotions because we hurt too much. We think about our lives as if it was a math problem to be solved, as if we were robots who needed the right logical programming to operate. But what we need, as human beings, is our emotions to guide us in life, in addition to logic. Logic is simply not enough and cannot be enough.

The missing link is the link to your emotions. Once you locate that missing link to your emotions, you will feel alive- you will feel hurt but also joy, and you will feel connected to other people, being able to form healthy relationships with others.

You are not the only person in this state of disconnection, with a missing link. I am still working on my missing link. There are many of us. Linking, connecting, healing is possible. Keep posting. It will take time, but there are ways to reconnect with your emotions and (selectively) with other people.

anita

Dear singhcool:

Selectively connecting with people is the way to connect with your emotions. You are doing it right now, here on this website. You are connecting with me and hearing is not required here. Maybe others will reply on your thread or threads and you can connect with them as well. If here is the only opportunity for you to connect right now, take advantage of it.

And then look for those opportunities elsewhere, in person as well. You wrote that “no one wants to hear your problems.” – this is not true. I do. If I met you in person and you would open up to me about your problems, I would want to hear it. Thing is, I am not the only one. There are people who prefer to listen to your problems than they do partying. Yes, there are such people.

Keep your eyes open for such people- maybe they are in the library reading books about their problems, their family members’ problems, trying to find solutions… and talking with you (outside the library silence-required areas) will stimulate them to find solutions to the problems they are dealing with. Maybe you can cooperate with another, as a team, to solve similar problems.

Reply again, anytime. You have an opportunity here.

anita

Dear singhcool:

I am suggesting a correction in your thinking as expressed above. You wrote: “I need to be happy with myself, then I can make a stable relationship.” Having read about your childhood and experience so far, you need to connect with others, and with your emotions while connecting with others, so to be happy with yourself.

we are born social animals, we develop through connections with others. We are never truly independent. Of course, you don’t want to be over dependent, but some dependency is in our nature.

I think you got scared, as a child, about needing people that hurt you. You needed love but you got hate instead (uncle), or you got nothing (father, due to distance; mother due to her overworking). You still need love. But now, as an adult, you have more options than you did as a child. Now, you can choose to (reasonably) depend on a person who is dependable and not depend on a person who is abusive, disrespectful or just not available.

The only choice healthy for us, is not between needing and not needing people, but between needing dependable, loving people and NOT needing undependable, disrespectful people.

anita

Dear singhcool:

You are welcome. And thank you for your sentiment (about meeting me) You asked how can you make a friendship being the quiet, introverted person that you are. My answer: spot a person who is also quiet and introverted. It is about SELECTING people before approaching, then approaching/ initiating a conversation and waiting for the person to respond to you; if they respond positively enough, you talk next, back and forth, a two way street interaction, both parties listening and paying attention.

If a kind, extroverted person approaches you, by all means respond positively. Also, when and if you approach a quiet looking person, do so gently. Quiet, introverted people get scared easily when approached! Don’t confuse a person’s fearful reaction to mean dislike of you or displeasure that you started talking to them. Give them time to recover, and be gentle.

anita

I feel the same. Never felt loved and protected and trying to make sense of life. I recently left a job and staying home. I feel lonely and depressed and have no will to get up and do any work. Working at jobs like a robot is all that keeps me sane. But my mind keeps running.

Feel like giving up, learn yoga and more about spirituality and become a yoga teacher. But again I lack will power.

Following this chain for further advise.

Thanks
Raima