Missjeenacole,

No problem! 🙂 Thanks

I really want to make the change! But I’m not sure what my first step would be.

Yeah it’s not exactly like practicing for a exam or something, you can’t actually see yourself make progress (physically). This is more an internal debate within yourself. Your ideal man, may in fact be what a lot of women/ men want in a partner. So, i guess not only being aware, but when you are in that moment, when you want to go further in a relationship, just take yourself aside question whether or not you are making an ‘idealist’ choice or a ‘real’ choice. Basically, it’s only through exposure to this situation that you are going to be able to change your attitude and perspective.

I just don’t seem to handle other people’s emotions well.

A,ha! We have a touchdown! This is what i was thinking when i began to read that you didn’t like the emotions that your ex showed. The way you have been writing has been reminding me of my brother. He struggles to express his emotions, but he also cannot deal with others emotions. He views emotions as weakness, if you can’t hold it in, then you are weak. He wants to deal with everything himself, if he needs help he won’t ask for it. And yet he wants love….it’s quite contradictory. It’s like wanting to be with someone who can support you, you can trust, someone who is your friend and then at the same time; someone who excites you, is mysterious etc. It’s two lines of divergent thoughts that don’t really end at the same destination. The main grasp here is to understand that emotions are strengths as well, being weak is only what we deem it to be. Everyone is raised differently, so everyone has a different view on weakness.

I suspect that this has more to do with the fact that, as an individual you should be able to control your emotions, why should someone else do it for you? Their your bloody emotions! And i think this idea comes 360. Because as much as you want to be more than just friends and form a strong connection with someone, you also don’t want to be leaned on by your partner. You gave an example of this before in regards to movie selection. You want someone you has the same mentality as yourself. Truly nothing wrong with this. You want your partner to have the strong, stable emotional center that allows him/ her to deal with their own issues. But it is through our emotional bonds with one another that we connect. Yes, of course you can connect with someone based on looks, on intelligence, on shared interests. But a relationship is about vulnerability, about sharing experiences, emotional or not.

To summarise what i have written, i would say that you cannot change what you are attracted to. I have an ideal type, and so do you. We all do. But i also understand that no one (maybe someone) will perfectly fit into the cookie cutter shape. And if they don’t, that’s okay, because if i continue to pressure someone into being my ideal, then they aren’t themselves and everything would be based on a superficiality to please to me. In the end, i wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone but my own fantasies. I think, if anything you should instead of wasting you time and going on the chase or like wise being chased, direct your search. Actually go after what you want. Whether that be through dating agencies or online. At least then it’s in black and white. I’m sure there are people out there that have some of what you consider idealistic traits. Like myself, i’m sure there are women out there that have some of the traits i value. It’s just that they might have other traits that annoy you/ me 😉 So it comes down to one question; what can you tolerate, what can you not? This is IMO, what a relationship is about, if you tolerate more than the ‘not’s’ well….he/she may be the right one.

figure out what I want and need.

Finally, this is what you could focus on, right now. Try to figure out what you, right now need in your life. We need money, we need a lot of things. But generally we always want more. It’s in our makeup. And over time what you want and need will change. I think what’s driving your ‘where do i go’ questions, is more the fear that you take a wrong turn and end up missing out on someone or something. Which is understandable, but truly there is no right or wrong choices in life, there are only choices. Whether one goes straight, takes a detour, rounds the bend too fast, your making progress. Some things in life are easy, paying taxes, buying food etc. But things aren’t simple with humans. We are all complicated, interesting individuals who have a story and identity. For the everyday person, we make choices everyday that are neither right or wrong, just choices. Through our choices, we learn, through learning, we grow, and through growing we make more choices and the cycle repeats. In your case, just moving in any direction is better than being still. You cannot regret something that has not happened.

So what are you waiting for?

Sincerely,
Matty
If you have more to add or questions please continue to post 🙂