When it feels like people are being mean to you

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    Have you ever been making your way forward after losing someone you love, and found that even after years, it feels like people are still being mean to you? Like you bring up the person at choir practice and you hear someone in the back row whisper “isn’t she over that yet?” Or you talk to your sister every week, especially since the loss, and you find out that she didn’t tell you that your niece was pregnant and had a baby 3 months ago. Have things like this ever happened to other people? What was your experience like? What did you do about it?



    First of all, I want to be empathetic with you on what I assume the pain of feeling like people are mean to you.  That must be really hard in your time of grief and loss.

    Usually I share things that are close to my heart only with people I trust with my heart else I would feel more vulnerable and hurt.  Bene’ Brown talks about this.

    Insofar as talking with your sister, well.. family is more complicated… I don’t know how emotionally close you are with her or your history so that can play into this.  I have a family where my Mother was dying of cancer and she did not want to tell my older brother that for not wanting to worry or bother him.  Our whole family communication dynamic is that way.  I know that I can count on my brothers for support but also we don’t really share our lives and certainly not our “personal” lives with each other.  My brother divorced, married and god know what else without me knowing.

    You ask what do you about it?  I always go to Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication process as well of communicating.  Google it.  It’s a simple and straightforward process.  It is based on Universal human needs.  Out of which, comes the emotions that are based on these needs.  Then there is a clean way of making requests of the other person.  Ex. When I heard that you had a baby, I felt hurt for I need connection and closeness.  My request of you is for us to figure out a way where we can communicate better so I won’t feel surprised about such significant family events.

    I am sorry for your loss and lack of compassion in your life Kristen.


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