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When Prince Charming Becomes the Beast

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  • #110973
    Morgan
    Participant

    To start off with I am brand-spanking-new to this site, but I have been researching signs and symptoms of mental/emotional and physical abuse for months and the path usually leads me to this site where I am gladdened to see that there is a community of people that have banded together, who have suffered, and in many cases survived their abusive and toxic relationships and have begun to thrive on their own. This gives me a glimmer of hope, that I can read other stories and realize that I am not alone, I am not crazy. This is a real and unfortunate thing.

    I have grown to accept that I have hit a wall. I haven’t had my “defining moment” but I very much want to. A very large part of the reason why this is such a swirling mass of chaos for me is because of the circumstances surrounding my so-called relationship.

    Please bear with me, it is a story that I have been needing to get off of my chest so that I may better understand why it is I have allowed myself to be trapped. I would appreciate any insight as to whether or not I really am… broken.

    I met B when he was 12 and I was 15. I grew up in a very small dairy farming town, my parents are very much city folk and so kept themselves mostly separate from the hunting/fishing types but were amused by the rednecks and tolerated them around me. His family came from a line of loggers, they are all tall, muscular, strong-jawed types, and each of them are obscenely and inhumanly strong. At the time I met B he was too young for me, and I was actually dating his brother S. His brother is a kind hearted man, I dated him for two years in high school, and to this day he has still been the most gentle man I have ever met. B had an alluring magnetism even at a young age and I always found myself wanting to catch his eye, even while knowing that it was wrong. S and I split up and I joined the Navy, I was gone for 4 years and came back home. It was B’s 20th birthday, and he now had a beard and was sitting quietly and calmly taking in his surroundings. He invited me to go out with him and his friends, before I knew it he had managed to drop everyone off at their homes and some how end up with only me. He drove me up to the top of a mountain and we had sex. Two days later I was sitting in his room and I had the most strange urge to reach out to him and place my hands on either side of his head and kiss him gently on his forehead. The words ran through my mind “He is special, and beautiful and I want to protect and care for him.” Then and there I was smitten, as I had never been before. His touch and kiss were like fire to my skin, thoughts of him consumed my days and all I wanted was to be a part of his beauty.

    But he rejected me. Kept me at bay, would have sex with me then tell me why it wasn’t ok. He said he only wanted to be my friend. I was crushed, lost and vulnerable. Here I was, a grown woman, most definitely feeling something I had never felt before and I was getting rejected in a way I couldn’t understand. His father told me it would take someone remarkable to make B want to be with them, and I thought “why can’t that be me??”
    One night after work I called his father, I told him I wanted to talk to him about B. Even just being able to say his name and hear stories about him was enough to jump start my heart. His father drove to my work and drank a beer with me and we talked about his sons and their childhood, that in many ways I had been a part of. We drove to another bar to play pool. This is a man I practically grew up with, he came to my high school graduation and sat in my house with my whole family… I looked at him as my family too, he was someone I trusted. We left the bar, I was happy to be on my way home, I had felt like everything had gone well. B’s dad called my cell phone and told me that he had forgotten he had some whiskey he wanted me to try. I told him to pull over at the bottom of the hill. I smoked my cigarettes and drank more, and we talked about my time in the Navy. Before I knew it I was drunk, and sitting in his truck. He asked if he could touch my leg, I said yes, he asked if he could kiss me, I said yes. Then he told me he wanted to have sex with me. I was jolted back to reality. This was a situation I didn’t want to be in. I told him “I don’t want to, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I dated one son for two years and I want to be with your other son very badly.” I thought he would see the logic in it. He told me it didn’t matter. I protested again “not today please.” He begged. I resigned myself to the situation, as I have so many times before and let men use my body. I drove home afterwards and fell asleep. When I woke up I prayed to God that it had all been a dream, that the line hadn’t been crossed. But it had. I kept it to myself for nine months.

    Flash forward to the day before my birthday in August. B and I have been spending every day together in bliss, the sun shined for me in a way that I’ve never seen before, the colors of the forest were vibrant. Even the air I breathed felt different. I was unspeakably happy. But the night before my birthday B told me that he wanted things to move forward with me in a more serious way, but he told me that I would have to tell him the people I had slept with when we weren’t together. I steeled myself for the information I was about to impart. I wanted to marry him and have his children, I loved him with every shred of me and so I wanted to be honest about what had happened. He began screaming and crying “My Dad?” he punched the wall and began ripping apart my drawings of him. He made me call my family and tell them “what I had done.” My dad asked him to be gentle with me… he said you don’t know what it took for my daughter to be honest with you, think about how much she loves you.

    The next three months were hell on earth. He deprived me of sleep, screaming all hours of the night, threatening to sell me to people that would rape and kill me. Telling me that I had killed our baby by being too much of a slut that we would never have a child breathe the air of this earth. He would fire his gun next to me and I would jump like a scared little rabbit, but silent and enduring. Believing that I deserved every second. Things progressed to physical abuse. I won’t go into all of the details, but I did contact the police and they put him in jail. I went to California to live with relatives for a few months, I felt better in many ways, stronger. But still… I had that suspicion that it was my fault.

    I went back to him… many, many times. He has abandoned me on the side of the road in the middle of the night more times than I can count, destroyed all of my possessions, black mailed me for money, and yet… I still go back. I still want to see that beautiful boy I once thought I knew. I just wanted to love him, and perhaps be loved in return. He is still in my life but I know it is a shadow… just a pale pathetic form of what was once my trust and love for him. He has broken my heart so many times. How do I let him go? How do I bury the life that I wanted more than anything else in the world? How do I let it die? It has now been almost a year since he was put in jail in October, but over the course of this last year he still brings up his father and other people, calling me names and jolting me with his graphic statements. He brings it up again and again. He tells me that I lied to him, that I wanted to sleep with his father, that it happened more than once. He said my story doesn’t make sense. He has made me question my own reality too many times. He has made me feel ashamed of my sexuality. It has made me feel very exposed and uncertain.

    I am sorry this is so long, but I have been so alone in my search for answers. I want to heal, to know that I deserve to heal. Please help comfort me in this time. I feel so very small.

    #110980
    anita
    Participant

    Dear a heartsicklion:

    What a story, and you tell it so well.

    I understand B’s anguish at knowing his girlfriend to whom he was getting ready to commit to a life together (if I understand correctly) had sex with his own father. It is a difficult thing to endure and he is not required- by any ethical requirement- to endure such knowing. It is understandable if upon such knowing, that he would choose to terminate his relationship with you. There is a lot of suffering for him in knowing this and it may be too much to take.

    And his abuse of you is unjustified and wrong.

    I agree: you deserve to heal. For the purpose of healing, you will need to be free of abuse, physically away from B, and due to circumstances, physically away from S and from their father, from the three of them, living elsewhere, where you are not going to come across any of them.

    Then psychotherapy with a competent therapist will help you. When you were with the father, drinking, the alcohol contributed to the lack of good judgment. Also contributed was your pattern of not asserting yourself with men, letting them use you sexually, as you indicated. And then, I think there is that physical attraction you have to the physique of these ” tall, muscular, strong-jawed types, and each of them are obscenely and inhumanly strong.” There are other factors, I am sure. Your relationships with your parents as a child and onward.

    What are your thoughts at this point?

    anita

    #110985
    Morgan
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you for responding to me. I absolutely agree with you that B in no way needed to endure that knowledge and when I had resolved myself to giving him that information I knew that I was letting him go. But it was more important to me to be truthful than be greedy and lie and keep it to myself where it would fester. I told him that I would very much understand if he could never look at me the same way and if we had to part ways. But he told me that there was nothing to forgive because only God can judge us, and that he loved me. It seems nice and sweet, and of course the answer I could only hope for in my dreams. But he would tell me that he only wanted to understand why, and make me repeat my story again and again and again, and appear to listen to me calmly and respectfully and then call me a liar and evil and untrustworthy. He didn’t want to release me, that is the sick part of it all that confuses me. It is as if he uses the shame of what happened with his father to keep me in line and keep me around, then tells me I’m dirty and nasty, yet he is still intimate with me. That part never stopped, perhaps for maybe a day after I told him, but there was no real… break from the physical. I am not sure if that relates to anything, I suppose I am attempting to see where his thoughts were in the beginning of this mess. I don’t live anywhere near his family, and there is no great love between them and me any longer. I have seen them all several times since October but we merely tolerate each others presence, the things that happened are not spoken of with them.

    In regards to a therapist that is something that I currently cannot afford to look into, so I am trying to seek other ways of working through it. I am trying to understand what it was that formed my insecurities as a child and why I grew up with an extremely strong need for approval from men especially, and by in turn I have a great urge to take care of others, which lays the breeding ground for being taken advantage of as I have witnessed many times.

    Now that almost a year has passed since I first told him about his dad, he informed me just last night that he thinks about killing himself on my birthday as a big “F You” to me for ruining his birthday because of when he took me on top of the mountain. I expressed to him how I couldn’t understand his wanting to do that, and didn’t appreciate him wanting to intentionally cause me pain. We are now currently not talking because I was too insensitive to the fact that he wants to kill himself. He has threatened me with this possibility many times.

    But even on the days where we are speaking, I feel as if in many ways he just tells me what I want to hear to give me some hope that he still wants to marry me and have children, but then he will give me some obscure hoop I must jump through to gain his trust. At this point I feel like it is a lost cause. His moods change rapidly, and I am becoming very exhausted in feeling like I am the bad guy when I try to treat him with as much kindness and sweetness I can muster. Even when he is hurting me. I don’t feel like this “relationship” is fair to either of us. I simply try to tell myself that there is a very good chance that he would’ve abused me eventually anyway, and that I didn’t cause this to happen. But the “what if” gnaws at me.

    #110991
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aheartsicklion:

    Just what I thought before I read you stating it: “he would’ve abused me eventually anyway”-

    His abuse of you, torturing you the way he does, that is not a… natural, understandable result of him knowing you had sex with his father. His torture of you is a result of hurt and anger on his part that predates his first alone time with you.

    Reads to me like he needs psychotherapy and I understand you are not a psychotherapist. Even if you were, a psychotherapist cannot treat a boyfriend because of lack of objectivity.

    This relationship needs to be terminated ASAP, please exit this sick relationship.

    (Will be away from the computer for a while).

    #111001
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if he wants to suicide, that is his choice.

    Where I live, we have a name for shooting a gun at somebody without reason; reckless endangerment. It is absurdly stupid and demonstrates that he does not care about you. Think about your military firearms training.

    I agree with Anita, you need to leave the relationship ASAP. And, well, if he does suicide, it becomes a self-correcting problem.

    #111002
    Morgan
    Participant

    Anita,

    yes, I believe that you are right… he has toyed with me in some of the most sadistic ways, and yet he is so charismatic that most of the time when people meet him they are enamored of him and respect him. I regret to say that he still has an allure for me that will take a lot of time and dedication to wrench myself from. I have always prided myself on my ability to make a decision for better or worse and stick with it. In this case, it will take every ounce of my being to keep away from him. He is worse than a drug to me, and just as deadly.

    Thank you for your time,
    Morgan

    #111003
    Morgan
    Participant

    XenopusTex,

    I agree with you about the suicide, it is merely a threat and a ploy to get a reaction out of me. The icing on the cake was one time he took me to a river and told me he was going to kill himself, he left me on the ridge and told me “You better stay here, if you move to come after me I will blow my brains out in front of you, would you like that? And don’t you dare touch my body.” I stood there ringing my hands together, moaning his name and not daring to move, my ears straining for the sound of the gun shot. There it was, the loud crack, I crept my way reluctantly towards the trees where he had disappeared, my heart plummeted when I saw his hat laying in the trail. I began to look for blood and his body, and as my eyes slowly turned upwards, who did I see coldly staring back at me, but the man himself, crouched like a coward hiding in the bushes just to watch my reaction.

    I don’t foresee him actually going through with it. It is just another way to try and hurt me and to try and take happiness away from me, and if he does pull the trigger, I am not responsible.

    #111007
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Morgan:

    You write very well. A story teller, and a good one. Your nonfiction makes for a good read. I think you enjoy the story, living it and then telling about it, exciting, alluring. You wrote that you grew up ” in a very small dairy farming town”- is it the town you still live in? Lots of excitement.

    Is that the allure for you, the excitement, better than a movie?

    And again, my goodness, you write very well, a page turner.

    anita

    #111020
    Morgan
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I will admit that I enjoy writing about it, only then I can I express my true thoughts and feelings. I lived a lonely and quiet existence growing up, I had few friends except for my books and pen and paper. I lived vicariously through the stories of others, and now that I have branched out and have my own story to tell I am eager to put it out there. I feel that it is worth expressing. I truly appreciate the compliment, I seek to have someone be able to see what I see, It makes me happy if I am able to do that in some small measure.
    I no longer live in the small dairy town, you might be surprised at the amount of evil that can lurk in such a quaint place. I can visit, but only in small doses to keep myself from temptation. Everyone I grew up with that remained out there have been dragged down into the bog of drugs and crime. It is a vicious cycle.

    #111022
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aheartsucklion:

    Problem with your writing is I don’t want the writer abused! I’d like you to write an interesting plot but I no longer like horror stories. I used to but my taste changed. I hope your taste changes too!

    anita

    #111066
    HealingWords
    Participant

    Dear Morgan,

    From what I have read, you have made mistakes in your past, but this man you think you love, is manipulating you and being a complete devil. You need to leave this life, for good. Cut all contact, lose his number, move far far away no matter what it takes. This isn’t healthy it will never get any better. I think you are tolerating his abuse far too much, and it may be because you think you deserve it, and you don’t. You do not deserve this life, he has no excuse or right to be messing with you. As Anita said, you are good writer, why don’t you change your life so you have a different story to write, one where you heal, have positive adventures and fall in love with a true sane man who will treat you well and right.

    #111072
    Morgan
    Participant

    Thank you Laure,

    It’s been 24 hours since I last talked to him, it might not seem like much but it is a start. I do not plan on contacting him and I don’t want to allow myself to give into talking to him if he contacts me. It is time for a new story, the one where I am strong and live the life that I want. Thank you for your time and kind words, talking to everyone is really helping me want to move forward.

    #111078
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aheartsickion:

    Hoping to read more from you, a new story where you are strong and living the life that you want. And you are welcome.

    anita

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