Home→Forums→Relationships→When to be rational, when to follow heart?
- This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by
Big blue.
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April 22, 2014 at 9:00 am #55190
TinyzebraParticipantHi All
I’m quite new to this, but would really appreciate some advice. I’m in a sort-of relationship with someone (about the 5 month mark) – sort of because he’s told me up front he’s too messed up and scared for a relationship. And for a long time I thought I was too, so taking it slow etc was fine with me. For a bit. I had an extremely bad break up 4 years ago which took me, in honesty, about 3 years to recover from. Counselling, CBT, meditation, you name it, I did it in order to get through what was the single most awful thing that has happened to me. Its not so much the break up, but the way I was after it: I lost myself, was so down, had no happiness in any thing in life any more, questioned everything, and was just generally a different person.
Then about a year after I’d been feeling not just better but completely happy single, along comes this new man. We have great chemistry and make each other laugh, I really enjoy his company. As time has gone on we’ve opened up a bit and he’s got probably more emotional ‘baggage’ than me, and we’ve talked around some of the issues but never gone to the heart of it. The trouble is that he can be very loving and engaged with me at some points (cooking me dinner, buying me gifts, choosing things to do he thinks I will like, telling me how special I am) but then he can be incredibly distant, no contact for days, etc. Then he pops up again and its all fine. He has a complicated life- he is recently divorced with a daughter that takes up a lot of his time. I’m fine with that, I like that he wants to be a good Dad. But I’m slowly realising I can’t put up with the distance he creates/ the pulling away from me, because its setting off various triggers for me that are making me feel quite down again. And I’ve realised I’m not being totally honest with him, because I’m too scared that telling him the truth will either make him pull away completely, or see me as really needy, or coming on too strong ,or well a whole host of things.
Some part of me is saying I should give it a few more weeks and see what happens, but I feel like I’ve been doing that for months, and his behaviour isn’t changing. THe other part is saying I need to be honest and say that I do want a relationship,but I’m scared if its not reciprocated and he’s not prepared to put both feet in that it will floor me again, and I’ll be back at square one.
As I write this I think I know what the answer is, but my heart is struggling. I know I want to love again, and I’m scared if this doesn’t happen.
Any thoughts?
April 23, 2014 at 3:03 am #55234
@Jasmine-3ParticipantHey hey Tinyzebra
Follow your heart as no one knows you the best like yourself. Either way, you will be fine. Love is nice when it uplifts your inner being and lets you be YOU. When love creates negativity or conflicts of mind / body, it spells trouble in all directions for today and tomorrow.
So go and express yourself openly. If he accepts it, awesome. If he doesn’t reciprocate, it is even more awesome as you got to be YOU (who is a free and loving soul). Do not let a bad past dictate your present. You are much bigger than your experiences.
You deserve something awesome and I know that your higher self will look after you either way.
Blessings,
Jasmine
April 23, 2014 at 9:33 am #55244
melParticipantHe told you he’s not ready for a relationship. Believe him. It will save you a lot of second guessing — and, eventually, heartache — if you do. He won’t change, and the push-pull will eventually drive you crazy. It’s already starting to.
April 25, 2014 at 4:10 am #55362TinyzebraParticipantThanks @Jasmine-3 for your kind words.
I thought I would post an update in case my situation can be of any help to anyone else. I did what I was most scared of and I told him how I felt, and the short story is that we have ended things.
AND I FEEL OK.That’s the most important bit.
It was last night, I told him I was scared to say these things, but I needed to be honest, and I told him essentially what I posted above. His response was that he doesn’t/can’t conceive of a future with love in it because of what he perceives as his ‘flaws’ and that he knew sooner or later I would see them too. I told him we are all flawed, but you don’t get anywhere in life without being able to take a risk that to get somewhere really, really good you have to take a chance there may be some bad. I told him his flaws don’t scare me and I was here, and ready to take the next step, and that I cared about him. He said he wanted me in his life but he can’t be someone that is working towards a future with me. It was very hard to hear. But I finally heard it, and I have cried a lot, and I now feel a strange sense of calm.
I just wanted to write this because I think the calm feeling is an end to this emotional roller coaster of not knowing, of feeling uncertain of where I stand, and of letting someone else pull all the strings of my own happiness. I did what I needed to do, and I put myself out there, and it stings that it didn’t work out. Don’t get me wrong I am very sad right now, and I can see roses that he bought me from where I am sitting, and that is a horrible reminder of how nice things were at points. I am sure I will have more tears about this. But deep deep inside I know this is a turning point- I can now get on with my life, knowing I was true to myself which is the single most important thing we can do.
All I hope is that this helps someone else who was a bit stuck like me.
April 26, 2014 at 12:00 pm #55406
Big blueParticipantTinyzebra – that was a brave thing you did talking directly to him to get closure. You grew a lot and you will be better for it. I learned a lot from your post, too.
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