Hi cookie,

OK, are you engaged (wedding date and invitations sent out, ring on your finger) or are you “engaged”? If you’ve just been talking about it, you could easily break up with him, and I do suggest doing it over the phone. A clean break.

If you’ve actively set wedding plans in motion, etc. then see him but only to return the ring.

Of course, you could visit him and all the feelings could come back. But having a relationship and not seeing each other for years is untenable for most people. If you’re young and want children, you have to be free to find someone to give you that family. Even if you don’t, what you’re doing is a burden on yourself.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Cookie,

Others have already given you good advice, and i don’t feel that i am a wise enough person to give you advice, because i don’t know, and i think the only person to make that decision is you, obviously.
But i can relate to you a lot when reading this, that i do want to reply.
I ended my long-distance relationship last December, after nearly 3 years. The only substantial time we had spent together was 6 weeks while visiting his family (that’s another story, probably irrevelant). For quite a while i wanted to wait for him and be with him, and there was motivation to wait. People would often tell me that they would end the relationship if there wasn’t a prospect to be together soon, or live closer to each other. And i would always reply that apparantly he was worth to wait.
But that feeling changed, i didn’t look forward to skype, first i reduced it from daily to every other day and then less, i would often find excuses not to skype. And i didn’t feel like phoning anymore either, while for a long time i didn’t mind to spend my money on it, but then i didn’t feel like spending my money. I often felt absent during the conversations, and was waiting for him to end it (he had a strong leading role in the relation).
For a long time, i had been trying to help to look for solutions as how to manage to live here and to make ends meet. But gradually, i started to notice that i didn’t look forward to him coming back anymore, that i always hoped that he wouldn’t come back too soon, so then i realised that was a bit strange. I also fell in love with a colleague, which helpen to make the decision for myself.
Sorry i am tired and in a busy place so i can’t think very clearly, that is why i am writing it with too many words.

I relate with you, that you feel obliged to give him a chance, that you owe him that.
My ex had offered me a lot of advice (unasked, actually!) and patience, so i felt that i owed it to him, to wait for him and try. But, what did it matter how it had been in the past? It didn’t feel good for me anymore and i didn’t feel that the relation was good for me, which i had actually felt from the beginning. So why forcing myself and waiting until he comes back and then try again, when the motivation was already not there?

I also felt awful when he wanted me to do things for him sexually, which was usually me doing for him and not vice versa, i didn’t know how to say no, and i don’t think it should be like that.

On the phone he won’t accept it and he has politely asked me to never bring the issue of feeling not in love and disconnected again, because it hurts him and makes him feel unsure about himself and us.

This quote bothers me a little bit. He won’t accept it on the phone, but if that is what you want, is he not going to have to accept it? (sorry, this might be a naieve question, i have actually very little experience or understanding about how it works in relations). And him asking you never bring up such an important issue again, that sounds a bit like putting you in a deadlock. If you feel like that, and you can’t talk about it, and he doesn’t want you break up.. what can you do? He forbids you these things because he doesn’t want to deal with his insecurity. I can understand it, i also find it very hard to deal with these feelings, but how is it for you, not being able to talk about it, is not going to help you to do something about it?

Ok, i need to get away from here, i can’t formulate my thoughts properly, it is too noisy here. I hope you get my point. I guess what i am trying to tell you with all these paragraphs, is that just from reading your posts (obviously i can’t read your mind), i feel a bit similar as where i was in my relation, which also happened to be long-distance. That like me, you might be putting more emphasis on what he wants and needs, than on yourself? Does that sounds like it could be the case?

I know this is old, but I wonder how Sann and Cookie are doing and if they can give an update on their situation?

I am a guy and my ex-girlfriend and I did a long distance for 8 or so months (dating for 15 months). The problem was we are from two different countries and in order to end the distance we had to get married. I was ready to marry her but she wasn’t ready to move on to that stage in life. Distance was ruining the relationship for her, and like cookie and sann, she distanced herself from me and treating me like crap despite my best efforts to close the distance. I wanted to Facetime and text and know what is going on with her life, I visited her after our first 3 months of separation and had plans to see her 8 months later. I had plans to take up an unpaid internship so that we can live together for 6 months. However she started to feel talking to me as a chore and obligation and soon conversations became less and less, video chats became less and less. She would not participate in talking so conversations were usually short and awkward with me trying to find various topics to talk about.

Then I couldn’t take it anymore and we had a fight about it and we cried over the phone and she said perhaps its time to break up. It’s 3 days into the break up and I know she is heart broken and sad and lonely and she hopes everything will work out in the end ( I don’t know what that means). All I know is she loves me and she wants to be with me, but she doesn’t want to do distance relationship anymore. She has said before she wants to marry me but she wants to be ready for it and not do it to solve the distance. She knows she can’t have her cake and eat it too and that’s why she said “I don’t know what the future will look like for us, but right now this is what needs to happen.”

I am really upset and everything still feels like a shock and does not feel like we are no longer together. I am dying to talk to her and find out if she is doing okay because I still love her. I don’t know if the time and space will help her change her mind or like you guys, feeling relieved about the break up/end up falling for someone else. Because that would really kill me inside.. I see a future in her; we lived together for 6 months before in our relationship and it was the best time of our lives; we did every family event together and celebrated every holidays together and we traveled the world together. We know we are perfect for each other and that’s why I am so damaged by this break up. What should I do??

I have also made plans (and she is aware of this) 5 months down the road to fly over to her and see her for her birthday. If we are still separated by then, then I guess it is my last time seeing her ever again in my life and it will be a closure visit but deep down, both of us know that this visit is my last attempt to rekindle our feelings and get her back into our relationship..