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when you feel a friendship slipping

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  • October 12, 2013 at 7:46 pm #43672
    Garrett
    Participant

    Hey guys. So I met this guy my freshman year who I fell in love with in a friend kinda way. I’m a guy, and I’m not romantically attracted, but he instantly became one of my favorite people. We did a lot of stuff together and he eventually invited me to study abroad with him in China during this past summer. Well, things started going badly. I started to sense that he was being distant and wasn’t really interested in the things I was saying or me anymore. China came and went and there were some pretty miserable times when I felt that I had lost him. Now we’re back in the same apartment with some other friends for the fall semester and things have gotten worse. He’s been smoking a lot of weed and drinking, things he both swore he was going to quit. I could sense the tension between us because I had brought it up with him in China that I felt that he was annoyed by me and that sometimes I felt my presence was bothering him, but he just told me to not to worry so much because he’s just an asshole and that honestly he didn’t consider me that good of a friend in the first place.
    This semester I began going to therapy because of the situation. I was having suicidal thoughts almost every day and I cut myself one time on the arm with a rock because the pain from it all hurt me so much. After four weeks of us not really talking I brought it up with him again through a letter I slipped under his door with specific examples of the things he had done that had hurt me so much. He came to my room later that night and kept telling me to tell him exactly what he had done wrong. He told me I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and that my problem is that I’m too emotional. He said his parents would beat him for being that emotional and said I need to learn to act like a 19 year old male. And he told me sometimes that he felt that I was a little clingy.
    What can I do guys? I told him I’m sorry if he thinks I’m crazy and that I just considered him one of my favorite people. He replied that he honestly didn’t see me like that and quite frankly he didn’t care. We still talk and hang out and when we do it feels like old times when we were closer and before it all happened and it makes me sad again. I’m not suicidal anymore but everyday the grief still sneaks up at some point. I just don’t wanna let this friend go . . . If he didn’t say any kind of apology for the things that hurt me so bad even though they don’t seem to be a big deal to him if he was a friend shouldn’t that still bother him enough? I really don’t wanna lose this friendship, but sometimes I don’t see a happy medium . . .

    October 12, 2013 at 10:00 pm #43675
    LittleLight
    Participant

    Hey Garrett, I am happy that you are not into suicidal thoughts anymore. I understand that it is very hard to be in such a situation where you love the person wholeheartedly but the other is not really that interested. I guess it is the change in situation (in this case going to China) which has led him into those unacceptable habits. I think you should retain your individuality and not give it up at any cost. Being emotional is not at all bad but just dont let people make use of it. Take a break from the thoughts and spend quality time with yourself. Let the dark clouds pass. You must be a wonderful friend for you value the relationship so much despite the odds. Your friend might become the same old person some day. Lets hope that it happens soon. Even if it is not going to happen, do not regret. He is the one who will be at loss. He will be missing a true friend.

    October 13, 2013 at 7:57 am #43685
    Matt
    Participant

    Garrett,

    Friendship means different things to different people, and just because we place certain value and commitment to a relationship does not mean that it will be the same on their side. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that your qualities are wonderful. You come across as caring, compassionate, open, friendly, honest and heartfelt. Sure, there is some insecurity and attachment, but those will get worked out over time as you find your courage. Said differently, you already have some fantastic roots, and perhaps once you find some folks who appreciate those types of qualities, you’ll see them for the strengths they are.

    In the meantime, sometimes when we notice we are surrounded by people who don’t relate to the world in the same way as we do (such as your emotionality vs his) the lesson is to become the light you seek. Said differently, it is possible and helpful to turn inward and stabilize and invigorate your lovely qualities. This helps us in many ways, and helps those around us. Imagine how peaceful it would be to sit in a group of people and see them run and scurry this way and that, being assholes to each other, being trite, and letting it all stay about them. Being able to love people for who they are no matter how they act is a great strength you seem to be on the cusp of finding!

    For instance, you have a deep love and appreciation for your friend. That is awesome! He doesn’t feel the same, which sucks for him. Where his heart could be open and joyous, he scrambles around with drugs and booze to try to find his peace, his joy. That’s his error, his path of habit and craving, and produces negative effects within his journey. However, he will only overcome it in his time, when he’s ready. It has nothing to do with you, or your lovability… its him and his muck.

    When we accept ideas like that, we can let go and become peaceful within our heart. We can’t change people, nor will they grow because of our desires to be closer to them. What we can do is grow our own roots deep into self nurturing, into our basic warmth and friendliness, and become peaceful no matter what their choices are. Self nurturing activities such as going on a walk in nature, listening to soft music, meditation, yoga… all can help us find that stability. Consider checking on YouTube for “sharon guided metta meditation” for a practice that is highly emotionally stabilizing and nourishing. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, and could provide a lot of relief from the feeling of solitude.

    Namaste, brother, you’re far more amazing than you currently believe, and I hope you find love, light and strength along your path toward joy.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 13, 2013 at 6:32 pm #43733
    Garrett
    Participant

    Thanks so much guys for the quick reply. After all this I’ve really discovered that I can’t keep pouring myself and expecting so much from people who honestly don’t feel that much back. I’ve promised myself to still love him as my friend regardless, but I’m guessing it’s time to realize I can’t expect much in return at least for the moment? And I guess this is where the true struggle begins. All of my best friends are also his best friends and I also want to keep spending time with my friends and him too in the future. But I’m not sure how to manage this. If this guy caused me so much pain I feel like the best thing for me would be to drift away but I know I’m gonna be seeing him on into my college life.
    Also, when I talked with him he told me about how much his parents used to mentally and physically ride him about how much he should be doing and living up to and when he told me that I was simply being too emotional he also said that if he were in my shoes his parents would be beating him right now for being so emotional. I feel that it’s part of my job as someone who values him as a friend to stick with it and maybe show him a caring side, but then he gets mad and detests that emotional side and tells me it should be fixed. I know you can’t change people, but I feel that by giving up on him and not showing emotion anymore I’m not leaving any kind of influence on his life and not sharing my light with him . . .
    If I just start pretending things are ok again after our conversation, he’ll just think I was going through a phase. More than anything I want him to know and see how much his actions hurt me. How they led me to be suicidal, and to hurt myself. I would never tell someone that they were the sole cause of this, but I wish he could taste some of that pain and if nothing else understand and be sympathetic rather than tell me I’m just being too attached and too emotional.

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