August 6, 2013 at 7:58 am #39835
Yes I do not know where to start, with what to deal first…
1. Few years ago due to misunderstanding I lost a friend that was really important to me
2. I started a relationship with a guy and after 6 years of living together we broke up. However somehow we decided to go together on the trip that we have planned for the last 5 years.
3. The trip – cycling around South America for at least a year. I was saving like crazy and I put a lot of hopes into it. After a lot of healthy issues that sucked off a lot of my energy and slowly were taking away from me all the stuff that I used to love to do, I hoped that the trip will help me to regain the trust in my body and its strenght. I also wanted to experience something new to become more bold and maybe finally figure out what I want to do. 5 years in my previous job were nightmares and I wanted to change it. So 5 years of saving and 6 months of intense preparation then quitting my job and my life in Ireland. Everything packed and awaiting new beginning. Just 3 months before the departure my ex started to act a bit odd and he pushed me away. When I asked him if he still wants to go with me in reply I heard I will go anyway, with or without you. But we were so advanced in preparation of the trip, so much money invested, time and hopes. And we went together and on the first day we have been assulted and we got robbed they took our bicycles on which we had everything, the only things that were left were the clothes that we had on. Half of my savings were gone within minute but with help of people we managed to be back on road. However behaviour of my ex was getting worse and worse, it was not our trip, it became his… He knew it that I am not able to go on my own on the bike, I did not know how to fix it and after roberry I did not feel safe enough to do it myself. So I kept going and cycling was really amazing, I fell in love with it, such a freedome and my body liked it as well. However my travel companion’s behaviour towards me was getting worse and worse, in conflict situation I would hear how l am nothing to him and if I do not like it I can go my way. This was a man who was planning this trip with me and he must have known how important it is to me. And one day I could not stand it anymore:for strangers we were happy travelers and the reality looked so different so one day I said enough and separated myself from him. He cycled away and he took with him my dream. I was away from my family, friends and I was emotionally broken, for help I had to ask some total stranger as the only close person I had there was my ex.
I was feeling very bad, my self esteem was shuttered and I made the hardest decision ever I abonded my dream and went back to Europe. I was not strong enough, I was not prepared to go on my own.
So here I am trying to figure out how to start new me as the old seems to be gone.
I feel very hurt by someone I trusted
I had a dream, I risked it and what I got in return is me shattered into million pieces – so what is the point in dreaming, in breaking habits, life will kick me anyway
I am not sure where to start my new life, where is home
I am sick when I imagine that after all this effort I will have to go back to office, to the same kind job I quitted as right now I do not even have strenght to think about any alternatives
I am scared that all my healthy issues will return and again will make me powerless
I am ashamed of the way my dream trip has ended
I am angry that he is able to pursue with his dream
I am very overwhelmed by all of this and simply I do not see any sense… It is almost as physical pain, it seems that there is such a void inside me and I have nothing to fill it. I run out of ideas and probably hope that there is something good for me. So much effort into my new beginign and now it is lost. Where to find new strenght and beliefAugust 6, 2013 at 9:55 am #39845
You found more freedom than you realize
Do not let others control how you feel
You have permission to be whole even if you’re alone.
It is much better to be single than in a bad relationship
Also…a thought to have is empathy for that other human who is too caught up in selfishness to even enjoy friends
The first place to find strength will be in your mirrorAugust 7, 2013 at 2:17 am #39883
It seems to me like you’re going through an immensely difficult time in your life!
What always helps me in situations like these is to be as compassionate and kind to myself as possible, and to offer myself all the space I need and not to demand anything from myself.
In addition I try to solve and do the things that I can, and I try not to focus on the things that I don’t have an answer to at that moment.
And probably it doesn’t help you right now, but when you realize you are past most of the things that bother you right now (and you will get past them), you’ll realize that it was all a great opportunity to learn and to become a stronger person.
Best of luck!August 7, 2013 at 5:24 am #39886
Thank you for the words. Yes, it is difficult and it makes me helpless. I am trying but everything here triggers the feeling that it is just pointless. I am not able to talk to my sisters, almost to anybody I know. I push them away, I think I am also a bit rude. Since I am back I have not been talking with my parents because all I could say would be how bad I feel and how I really do not know how to help myself. I would like all of them to leave me alone yet when I am on my own I feel urge for somebody to be nearby. I am a person that is shy with people and usually I have very small cicrcle of friends that is why when one leaves or hurt me almost everything shakes in the foundations.
I know that with time things get better however for the last 7 years instead of feeling of becoming stronger I am under impression that I am figthing with windmills and my reservoirs of strenghts have just gotten empty. And I am looking in the mirror and I cannot believe in all of that.August 18, 2013 at 12:24 am #40680
For the last week I am on my own trying to deal with myself. I thought I am strong enough to do it however since last 2 days I cannot find any comfort and this makes me even more helpless. The lost trip and so lost expectations make me weep and create penetreting endless sorrow. My ex, in my mind I call him dream destroyer, is in my thoughts all the time and I am asking him why this dream had to turn so ugly for me. I am happy for him chasing his dream yet at the same time I am devastated that I was not able to do it myself.
There is not too much anger in me for what has happened, it is the sorrow that really disempowers me and puts on the floor sucked out of energy.
My sister is back in 1 week, so 7 days more on my own and I am not sure whether I can handle it. I do not want to ask her to come back from her holidays earlier than planned as she and her family deserve a rest. I do not know anybody here and I do not even know the language however I am not even able to handle any conversation with people. so I would be grateful for any thoughts…
ThanksAugust 18, 2013 at 10:42 am #40699
I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you. Your situation reminded me of a teaching by Osho on sorrow. Consider the following excerpts from the Osho Zen tarot card “sorrow”.
This pain is not to make you sad, remember. That’s where people go on missing…. This pain is just to make you more alert–because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. Otherwise they don’t become alert. When life is easy, comfortable, convenient, who cares? Who bothers to become alert? When a friend dies, there is a possibility. When your woman leaves you alone–those dark nights, you are lonely. You have loved that woman so much and you have staked all, and then suddenly one day she is gone. Crying in your loneliness, those are the occasions when, if you use them, you can become aware. The arrow is hurting: it can be used. The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears.
Osho Take it Easy, Volume 2 Chapter 12
The image is of Ananda, the cousin and disciple of Gautam Buddha. He was at Buddha’s side constantly, attending to his every need for forty-two years. When Buddha died, the story is told that Ananda was still at his side, weeping. The other disciples chastised him for his misunderstanding: Buddha had died absolutely fulfilled; he should be rejoicing. But Ananda said, “You misunderstand. I’m weeping not for him but for myself, because for all these years I have been constantly at his side but I have still not attained.” Ananda stayed awake for the whole night, meditating deeply and feeling his pain and sorrow. By the morning, it is said, he was enlightened. Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.”
Do you see? There was Agnes the whole time, planning and dreaming, biking and losing, now crying and feeling sorrow. The bike trip, the boyfriend, the sister… those don’t give you what you’re seeking, because you’re looking for Agnes everywhere but inside. She is in there, still looking and hoping. Sad and in pain in this moment, but awake and stirred up. When the pain is enough, when you are awake enough, the pain is nothing but pain, and the present moment blossoms. Then we can build a new dream, one where we step with inner peace no matter what is around us.
Namaste, distant sister.
MattAugust 18, 2013 at 11:04 am #40704
Please. Just 6 minutes
55.5 to 101.5 minute mark