Dear SJA:

I got your correction on the other thread. You shared that you had the following relationships:

1) a four year college relationship, 2008-2012, from the age of about 19 – 23, spit amicably, friends to this day.

2) A five year, 2012-2017, fairy-tale-turned-abusive-roller-coaster relationship, starting six months after the above, a relationship that included moving in together and getting engaged. The split was not an amicable and you are currently not in contact with him.

3) A less than two year relationship with “a perfectly lovely & kind person”, 2017-2019 and ended amicably.

You figure that you “have a terrible habit of relationship jumping”. You decided to “relax about my single-ness”, but it is “hard watching so  many people around me be in happy, healthy relationships”, and you would like that to happen for you too, sooner than later.

My input: when I look around me, I don’t see many people in happy, healthy relationships, not at any age. I think that happy, healthy relationships are not that common. Also, it is possible to find “love & partner post-30”, happened to me at a time I thought it never will. And it was post 40, not just post-30.

I think that online dating can work if done a certain way, that is, using it as an opportunity to select men based on their profiles and online communication, then interview a dozen or more candidates in person,  before getting involve with any one of them physically (it helps in keeping our thinking clear and efficient). Practically, it would mean meeting men in a casual setting such as a coffee shop for coffee and a conversation, getting to know each other, gathering and sharing information. That will be the beginning stages of online dating according to my scientific take on online dating.

anita

Hi SJA,

All of my closest friends found the partners they eventually settled down with when they were in their later 30’s. None of my friends (except for one) were really bothered about getting married or starting a family. Meeting the right person is what put them in the settling down mode. The one friend who was quite panicked about not having found someone, and was looking in all the wrong places, gave up for a year or so- only to find the guy she would marry. Interestingly, all of them found their partners soon after having completed some major milestone in their lives:  One had come back from an around the world trip, one had just finished spending a year living off the grid in an organic farm, one had done a 100 mile walk/run for charity, etc. Not saying you need to do any of these things to find the right partner, but when they worked on themselves and didn’t focus on finding “the one”, they did.

I’m certainly no relationship expert, but it might help to be single for awhile, as it seems like you have spent many years being in back to back relationships. It could help you to be more clear about what you want and need from a partner. Also, what  you DON’T want 🙂 Best of luck to you.