Dear Adrianne:

I’m sorry to hear (read) about the difficult situation you’re facing with your family. It sounds incredibly challenging and unfair to be caught in the middle of conflicts that aren’t your fault. I can imagine how isolating it feels to be blamed for things that are beyond your control. Your desire to be seen as an individual and not just an extension of your mother is completely valid.

It’s unfortunate that your dad’s family harbors resentment towards you over the inheritance. It’s important to remember that you had no control over this situation. You were very young when your father died and had no control over the inheritance. Their anger is misplaced.

Losing connections with family members because of arguments you weren’t involved in is deeply painful. It’s clear that you’re caught in a difficult position of wanting to maintain relationships without betraying your mother.

While it’s not your responsibility to reach out, taking the first step may help clarify misunderstandings. If you feel comfortable, maybe consider reaching out to those you were close to and explaining how you feel…?

It’s important to prioritize your own well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends or seek professional guidance to navigate these complex family dynamics.

Family conflicts are unfortunately common, but you deserve to be treated as the unique and valuable person you are as an individual (not an extension of any other person, mother or anyone else). I hope you find a path that brings you peace and reconnection with those who matter to you.

anita

Dear Adrianne:

Thank you for clarifying that you want to keep the focus on your experiences. I understand that this situation is incredibly challenging for you, and it’s important to give your story the attention it deserves.

From what you shared, it’s clear that you’ve been caught in the middle of family conflicts for a long time, often being unfairly blamed or judged based on your mother’s actions. This has understandably left you feeling frustrated, disappointed, and exhausted by the ongoing drama.

It’s commendable that you’ve set boundaries with your mother and are striving to live your own life. Your desire to be treated as an individual and not an extension of your mother is completely valid. It’s also understandable that you don’t want to lose contact with your family, despite the toxicity.

Studying all that you shared, about you: you come across as a sensitive and reflective young person: you are acutely aware of your feelings and the impact of family dynamics on your well-being. Your reflections show depth and thoughtfulness. You strive to carve out your own identity separate from your mother’s conflicts.

Despite the challenges, you remain committed to living your life on your terms and not being dragged into familial disputes. Your primary motivation, in this context, is to live a life free from the toxicity and conflicts that have plagued your family.

You desire to be seen and treated as an individual, not as an extension of your mother or her conflicts. While you value family connections, you want these relationships to be healthy and based on mutual respect.

About your mother: she has a history of engaging in arguments and conflicts with various family members, and she involved you in her own conflicts. She may feel the need to assert control over family dynamics and rally support and loyalty from you and others.

* In general, engaging in arguments may be a way for individuals to express unresolved emotions and grievances that they don’t know how to process or communicate in healthier ways. Examples: (1) a person has longstanding feelings of resentment towards a family member due to past conflicts or perceived injustices. Instead of addressing these issues directly, they engage in arguments over unrelated topics as a way to vent their underlying anger and frustration.

(2) Someone who feels overwhelmed by stress or emotional pain finds themselves initiating or participating in arguments as a way to release pent-up emotions. The act of arguing provides a temporary outlet for their feelings, a temporary relief, even though it doesn’t resolve the underlying issues.

(3) An individual who feels neglected or unheard may use arguments as a way to demand attention and validation from others. Engaging in conflicts can be a way to ensure their voice is heard, even if it’s through a negative interaction.

(4) A person who struggles with expressing their true feelings may use arguments as a defense mechanism. By focusing on external conflicts, they avoid confronting and revealing their deeper emotions and fears.

(5) Someone dealing with internal conflicts, such as feelings of inadequacy or guilt, might project these feelings onto others through arguments. By blaming or criticizing others, they deflect attention away from their own guilt, insecurities and other internal struggles.

Engaging in arguments as a way of expressing unresolved emotions and grievances is often an unconscious behavior. It serves as a coping mechanism for individuals who don’t have the tools or support to process and communicate their emotions healthily.

About other family members: they take sides in family conflicts, often judging you based on your mother’s actions. Their behavior is reactive, influenced by ongoing disputes and their perceptions of loyalty, and their interactions with you fluctuate based on the current state of family conflicts. They may be motivated by a sense of loyalty to certain family members, leading to divisive behavior. Some cousins might genuinely want to understand your position but are influenced by the prevailing conflicts.

When family members blame you, they may be trying to make a complicated situation easier to understand. Instead of dealing with all the different reasons for the conflicts, they pick one person to blame. This way, they can avoid thinking about the many different things that might be causing the problems. They may project blame onto you as a way to feel a sense of control over the chaotic and unpredictable family environment: by identifying someone to blame, they feel more in control of the situation.

Blaming someone else can provide a temporary release of suppressed emotions. It allows individuals to vent their anger, frustration, or hurt, although in an unhealthy way. Family members’ projection onto you distort their perception of you, viewing you not as an individual but as an extension of the conflicts or negative feelings associated with your mother.

Being unjustly blamed for conflicts you had no part in, you bear the brunt of this projection. You are treated as a scapegoat, which leads to feelings of isolation, confusion, and frustration.

Family members’ actions of projecting blame onto you can be seen as a coping mechanism for their own unresolved emotional responses to the family dynamics. This projection serves to deflect their emotional turmoil, simplify complex conflicts, seek a sense of control, and discharge their emotions. However, it results in unfair treatment and isolation for you, as you are unjustly burdened with the blame for issues you did not create.

* In regard to your cousin from your dad’s side, her happiness at the thought (her misinterpretation) of you not speaking to your mother indicates a strong “team mentality” within the family dynamics. The cousin seems to view relationships in terms of alliances, expecting people to take sides in family conflicts. Her reaction to seeing you in a car with your mother was highly emotional and reactive. She quickly jumped to conclusions and responded with anger. Using terms like “crazy,” “schizophrenic,” and “idiot” indicates a lack of emotional regulation and a tendency to resort to hurtful language when feeling betrayed or upset. By lashing out at you, she discharges her frustration and reinforces her own narrative of loyalty and betrayal. Her behavior reflects a deep entrenchment in the family’s conflict dynamics, characterized by a team mentality, emotional reactivity, projection of unresolved emotions, a need for control, and a lack of empathy.

“Is it valuable to keep them in my life? I am tired by this. I want to live my own life; all this drama is tiring and stupid.”-

– recognizing when it’s appropriate to give up on trying to change longstanding unhealthy family dynamics is crucial, especially considering your young age and the no-mention of an interest from your family in seeking therapy or making changes.

When family members are entrenched in their ways and show no desire to change or attend therapy, it becomes impossible, or almost impossible (says I) for one individual to make meaningful progress in family dynamics. If you are the only one consistently making an effort to improve family dynamics and there is no dependable interest or cooperation from other family members, it might be time to reconsider trying

It takes a family to change family dynamics. It takes a number of family members to commit to making positive changes and to consistently work on it. One person within the family cannot change toxic family dynamics (family dynamics that started most likely way before you were born). Since the effort to change family dynamics is causing you chronic stress, as I understand it to be, it’s essential to prioritize your own mental health.

Trying to change these deeply rooted patterns may be like beating a rock, hoping to get water out of it. No matter how hard you try, the effort will not yield the desired result. It’s important to recognize your limits and prioritize yourself. Choosing yourself is a powerful act of self-care and self-respect.

Choosing yourself isn’t a betrayal of your family. It’s not about rejecting the idea of family, but rather rejecting the toxic dynamics within it. By prioritizing your well-being, you might even indirectly benefit your family in the long run. On the flip side, sacrificing your well-being to try and change them will likely only drain you and harm your mental health. The outcome? More of the same toxic environment for everyone.

Surround yourself with people who respect and support you and invest in relationships that bring positivity and growth. Since currently, this is not available to you within your family, find it elsewhere, is my advice. What do you think?

anita

You are welcome, Adrianne, and thank you for the note!

Anita